this is a cage,
these are the bars,
these are the scars from trying
to escape, here are the scratches,
the holes and patches,
the claw marks on the pantry door
this is the cellar, the storeroom
for misfits, down in the basement,
musty and damp, there is the clock
with a sticking tick, and here
is the lamp, burnt out blue
this is the view, it’s a picture
of you in a mason jar,
here is the mirror above the basin
where you are, here is the cover of an
empty book, torn out pages,
a startled look
this is the stage
where you read your rage
to a dead audience, here are
the palms pressed to the glass
of a false defense, there
is the lid holding you in, forbidding
air to enter, these are the gasps,
here are the traps set
to keep out the users
here is the salt to rub in the wound,
the broom in the corner
to sweep it away, this is
the truth, the masquerade
and this is the way, the
way you fade.
this is the jar, placed on the
shelf, lined up in rows, a facade
of faces, these are the traces
of what remains, this is the
rain, these are the stains,
all are preserved, properly
sealed, and labeled
"human aches and pain"
here is the hand that put you there
next to the one who ripped out
her hair, across from the one
sitting cross-legged,
barely there, rocking
here come the others flocking in,
more jars, more healing coffins,
a place where you harden
and soften, then kiss yourself goodbye,
this is the dying, these are the ends of
tight ropes, here are the hopes
lost and forgotten, everyone
copes in isolation, everyone copes
this is the sound of desperation
slipping and dripping
down the water pipes, these
are the days, these are the nights,
and here is the shattered lighting,
this is the mirror you’re
fighting, and these are
the souls hiding behind the cold
bars, the lost stars, —the lost stars
in jars
…in jars
……in jars
Author notes
Published in Recursive Angel Ezine
Art by Odilon Redon
Rule for contest : Read - Pink Fire, by Whs sucks
Written December 16th, 2001
In a list
A contest entry
- A Drop of Talent Here, a Splash of Crimson There by dReAmZ-cRuCiFiEd.
300 points, ended November 10, 2005, 68 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 85 of 85
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I'm gonna have to come back to this one... but for now I will say: It reads beautifully, the rhythm is excellent, I love the way it trundles into a gallop which just keeps going...
'see' you later
Sol
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yeah, way back in oh two (2002)... what were we thinking... still it hits on so many levels... who are we and what are we doing here... i don't like being used (or what ever the adver
... well some grow up... glad we can...
still awesome and when i know i will let you know...
Doug
wait... i do know... i am going to be a father... and if these so called jars exist... i will crush mostly all of then and melt and blow a large/boundless jar for my own... -
Extremely powerful! I think I could probably ramble on about this one for awhile, it tweeks the mind. But I'll spare you LOL Excellent form as well. Gypsy
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Great no more needs to be said
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Hermetically sealed to lock in freshness--old scars are not forgotten when they sit on the trophy shelf. There is a sadness to this and an almost vindictiveness in the words. The ending is amazing an I cannot say more though I've read it several times.
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very mysterious, very intense, very insightful, very much like a journey without end as the more we read through your lines the more we want from them! Congratulations!!!
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This is very intense! You are part of the pains. very nice indeed. very good with words!!!!!!
"a place where you harden
and soften, then kiss yourself goodbye" -
Fantastic-- Second Place Winner-- I loved this piece, it flows so well, I'd love to perform it at an open mic! s
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Eloquent and very delicious. I see that you used the adverbial nouns: This, that, there. Here.....Very effective..Loved it.
Those ( another adverbial subject.hehhee) are personal nouns; they give sense and connections to the personal part of us! It's like someone's pointing to the spectrum, ...the idea and/ or the selective theme. I really loved it.............again from you a tidy thought bound in manicmuze illustrations.
Warmly with respect....CookieZeal/Dianne -
A very very excellent piece, in my opinion. Rich in thought. I love it...it left me with that hungry feeling that you love to feel. Thanks for the good read
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very thought provoking ..... so many end up here and sadly they deny the fact even to themselves. I think the deepest few words to me were .. "this is the mirror you’re
fighting" yeah we all put aspects of ourselves ( and even others ) into jars. Very deep piece. I liked the long slow repetitive delivery it drove ur point home like a freight train.
Edited on Oct 20, 10:00 p.m. because ''. -
This was a very powerful piece. I wish the pic was still here to appreciate it as well. I liked the lyrical overtures you presented. Although it did not stand out clearly, the rhyme was beautifully done. There is probably a term for that rhyme scheme, but not sure what it's called (not slant or head, but???). My favorite was the final stanza. I thought the repeated lines brought everything home...
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Sometimes you get on a roll and it just flows out. Is it the Muse, freeing you? I don't Know. Something from within, where there was nothing just a moment before. A balm, for a weary soul, this, something one needs to know, that there are places where we are not alone even when we think we are. Also, it grounded in a place, and a feeling. There are tastes, and smells and colors here, and I always look for that, it show the poet is paying attention not only to the inside of things, but to the things that are around them that define the days, which we find ourselves a part of that make everything a whole.
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Excellent free verse poem. I'm trying to figure out this beautiful phrasing occurring throughout. I'll cut the couplet line forms:
here are the scratches,
the holes and patches,
here
is the lamp, burnt out blue
here is the cover of an
empty book, torn out pages,
here are
the palms pressed to the glass
these are the gasps,
here are the traps set
to keep out the users
these are the traces
of what remains, this is the
these are the stains,
all are preserved, properly
here is the hand that put you there
next to the one who ripped out
here come the others flocking in,
more jars, more healing coffins,
here are the hopes
lost and forgotten, everyone
here is the shattered lighting,
this is the mirror you’re
A reptitous sense of immediacy in this phrasing pattern. Good use of Free Verse form
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What a mesmerizing read, what an enviable write! The painful relentlessness is something I've tried to capture before, but never to this effect.
- Jimmy -
WOW! this is fantastic, to echo what others have said, the images are indeed very powerful, almost to the point of making me feel stifled.
congrats on having it published, it certainly deserves to be read by a large audience. it flows very well, and the sublte rhyme scheme just enhances it -
Powerful images. Reminds me of something... can't quite put my finger on it... I absolutely love the way you write.
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Oh, I can't forget to mention the Picture... powerful image.
-Delia -
here is the hand that put you there
"next to the one who ripped out
her hair, across from the one
sitting cross-legged,
barely there, rocking"
Among the many paragraph that I love in this peice this is the one I want to talk about. The visual...it leaves me breathless. You have a way with words, a way with form. I can seem myself in her eyes I just can't decide of which girl, is it the one pulling or the one rocking. I'll be both in my sleep, decide than which one fits me today.
Good write. I liked it.
-Delia
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Your lyrics are the chiaroscuro within the artwork...You've created a textured lengthy love offering that just makes me go hmmmmmmm FEED ME!
Dang, I remember catching bees and praying mantis in jars...
ROCK!!! *hugs*
Keeping banging the beautiful out of the sublime, Wendy! -
don't touch it!
i like bee-in... on da outside, lookin in-my middle finger upturned, as my tongue hangs in fine repose.
Edited by eddie flamethrower on Jan 30. -
don't touch it!
Poetry perfection, you are a wonderful poetess Wendy.
Love this...;) -
neutral
just echoing previous sentiments
gecko:
on Feb 15,2002, 10:42 :
Spoon poet: 11599 comments. [del] [edit] the voices in my head told me to tell you that this is intense, powerful, incredible, imaculate, devine and basically just fanf**kingtastic.
oh I was looking in my own head AND GOD IT HURT.
sliding down onto the pathway where the puddles feared to tread
(you inspire this in me you know) -
don't touch it!
Bravo! Excellent. Wonderful rythum to an artistic creation. Really enjoyed.
~Mary O -
excellent
. . .very nice write. I didn't understand it all until the last couple stanzas, but that's probably just me. Good stuff. -
don't touch it!
I'll say this is a poem! Congrats on making this! I wish I could hear it read out loud to me... -
don't touch it!
now this is a poem. very well done. you should be proud :) -
excellent
hard work does pay off eh :~>
-Brandon -
don't touch it!
W.w.w.wow!!!! -
neutral
Seems I'm always extending congratulations, wendy. Congrats!!! -
don't touch it!
Damn fine poem, Wendy. Tightens like a corkscrew to the gut. Evocative and mesmerizing. -
don't touch it!
Is there a rating better than 'don't touch it?' because I need one for this! Wow... your work is like a journey, and you want to fasten your seat belt and hold on tight. This piece just took my breath away in so many places. Congratulations on the publication. You earned it with this! -
don't touch it!
Amazing poem,had me breathless,thanks for sharing this.
smiles,VV. -
don't touch it!
wow!!! breathtaking... loving your work... keep it up!
hugs
xxx -
excellent
I love your interior rhymes, and the way you use enjambment to enhance interior rhymes and rhythms. this poem has wonderful flow. you are such an excellent poet! -
don't touch it!
Okay. Now . Ive been on this thing all day and now I'm speechless. That's all. Thanks. -
don't touch it!
I'm loving it.. even on the side.. opportunity knocks once.. and the door slams shut.. -
excellent
What can I say? This is absolutely fantastic; I envy you ability to use detail so effectively. Chris. -
don't touch it!
Excellent write!
Come see me
Blessings
Susan~ -
don't touch it!
WOW! The words and the pace just dragged me through this piece...i couldn't have stopped reading if i wanted to do so. Amazing! -
don't touch it!
Like the other's said
Dont touch it
Susan~~ -
don't touch it!
Print it and frame it.
EXCELLENT!!!
Thank you for sharing this. -
don't touch it!
A brilliant tale and description of being trapped in domestic home-life. I can see the rotting window sills and the spider webs in the corner. -
don't touch it!
I think Craig2 nailed it with 'thanks for the journey', I was there too.
ferg -
don't touch it!
no really, DON'T TOUCH IT -
Birchwood, wow, the feelings are mutual :-)))
Thanks for the read ! -
don't touch it!
mmmmmmmmmm good stuff, very different, formless with form, my favorite kind of poem. The emotions are powerful the form only adds to them, the end is stunning and the read flows like water. Great write, I loved every bit -
don't touch it!
Truly exceptional ..
I smell the fermaldahyde (sp?)
keeping my sorry worries from rotting in that jar
Muse .. you astound me. You really are a brilliant poet. -
don't touch it!
as i said above, this is an excellent write.
:0)
Nam -
don't touch it!
This is one brilliant work of art. I love the metre, ryhythm and content. The flow is perfect! The imagery is amazing, original, and so beautifully done! (I'm running out of adjectives) This is definitely a favourite of mine! Well done! xx -
the voices in my head told me to tell you that this is intense, powerful, incredible, imaculate, devine and basically just fanf**kingtastic.
oh I was looking in my own head AND GOD IT HURT.
sliding down onto the pathway where the puddles feared to tread
(you inspire this in me you know) -
Highland_Dreams, yea, it does... sometimes poems come so fast if i blink, i miss it... this was one of those. Glad you liked it, thanks so much for reading!
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This poem truly lives up to your name ... it has a manic pace to it. Very fresh and original.
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DougMcCue, hey... i'm still trying to figure it out too... but i think i've just given up on that :-))) Glad you enjoyed it, if you do figure it out, let me know...lol
Thanks so much for your comments :-) -
recognize yourself masta'... i did find it to be quite wonderful... i also thought the theme was way original... stil tryin' to figure it out... i dont really want to though... i just wanna read it without knowing... (fav)
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chasingtheday, :-))) thanks !
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arrrrrr label it all up and slide down the depths. excellent poem, deserved to be published. :o)
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Deb Benson, WOW... thanks you so much Deb :-))))
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slagman, LOL... oh my :-) slagman in a mason jar - eerie thought... :-) Really glad you liked this one, appreciate you reading, thanks !
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LOVE YOUR WORK BRAVO!!!!!!! Thanks Deb
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Cinara, awww... wow, i'm flattered you liked it so much...thanks for such nice comments. This piece came so fast, i had no control... so its hard to take the praise for it.
Really appreciate you reading, thanks :-) -
Holy Smoley, Manicmuze! You hit nails on the head (all lined up in a row) with this one. (*Slagman runs away before his face is put in a jar*)
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mystysaint, i'm not sure i'm glad you relate, but you're right... its good to know we're not alone. Really appreciate you reading, glad you liked it :-)
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This is such an unusual poem, very captivating as it progressed into the trauma of someone tormented and desperate. I'll have to say, this is one of the best poems I have read here at Allpoetry.
It flowed very well - nonstop, with such energy and power. You are truly a gifted writer -
dianes, wow, i'm really glad you liked it, thanks :-)
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I relate closely to this, and it hurts.. but good pain, good not to be alone.
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OMG...this is beyond excellent.....wow....I loved it all....
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sweetbrother, thanks, this piece came in about ten minutes... i didn't breathe the entire time...LOL
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dyejunkie, thanks so much for reading, glad you enjoyed it!
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I like the way you capture the desperate mood and the frenetic pace, like the thoughts of someone (something?) struggling to escape...marvelous.
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That's such a good poem. Its got a kind of fluttery way of reading it, likes its jumping around, or like you are reading it out of breathe. Good write :)
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LOL Nam, that's pretty cool :-) Thanks
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damn! already read this, oh well, read it again, and still it was good.
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Dreamweaver... awwww ~) you did give me 10 stars...LOL Thanks, that means a lot to me!
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I have found that at times, these are the best ones.
Oh, and I do rate honestly, not for favours. :o)
Sammy -
Dreamweaver (Sammy), thank you so much... this poem came so fast (within about ten minutes)...and it was done. I never revised it either, i was afraid i'd mess it up...lol Thanks for reading my work, i really appreciate your time!
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Wendy, I liken it to the inmates of a mental institution... Has that 'ring' about it.
Excellent write.. and I mean EXCELLENT!
Sammy
(10 stars if I could) -
Thank you so much Nam! Actually, this piece was published in a magazine called 'Recursive Angel'...a few years ago. Not an easy publication to get accepted in. I was pretty proud of it. Really appreciate you reading!
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Thanks so much kat14903 !
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craig2, i like that you read it three times :-) thanks so much!!
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excellent write! i don't get those four star rates.
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i liked this decription of us as being jars.
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Can't really think of anything to clever to say except that I have now read it three times. Thanks for the journey.
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rmerwin, thank you so much! This really is one of my all-time favorite poems i've written... glad you like it!
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Especially love the meter in this one. Awesome concept for the write. Ended wonderfully.
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