In a visionary second,
bloody eyes at pin- point pose
a psyche of scratches and bubbles,
in a white noise trance.
A crooked finger hovers,
heeding the neighbouring
firecracker;
and holding for a cogent
bang…
A crack and a shimmer
in the mind, the eyes,
from the pistol,
and wavering with the stars.
The amazing lights, in a vivid flash,
are gone.
Author notes
Idea came to me as I watched the film "White Noise" on Bonfire Night, but I haven't got to writing/posting it until now.
It's very basic so let me know things I can add/alter to improve it. However, I must ask you to read it thoroughly before suggesting any drastic changes.
Thanks.
GOT HERE VIA FEATURED? PLEASE COMMENT EVEN IF IT'S VERY BASIC (though I would prefer detailed comments) THANKS.
Written November 11th, 2006
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I wouldn't use vivid flash with amazing lights due to the paradox of the story. I believe it contradicts itself. (?)
I like how the first stanza corresponds to the movie. You did a good job.
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i read it and read t. and i dont understand it. no fault to you. just not how my mind works I guess. the poem in form is good. just the words dont connect in my mind.
good write and God bless
Pastoral Poet
Ben B. -
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Thanks for reading. You do need a pretty deep/open mind to understand my poems (people rarely do understand).
It's about how a raging murderer could get away with it on bonfire night, as bangs are seen as beautiful that night.
The first stanza described the murderer and the second that he/she attempts to kill. The second stanza compares the gun shot to fireworks.
Thanks again for reading.
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I have to agree with the other comments on this piece. The images are dark, I have no clue how you got this much detail into 2 stanzas. I could never do that LoL. You did a great job, I think I would like to see it a little longer though, more detail from the beginning to end. I think it lacks a middle I guess.
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Thanks for the feedback. I'll consider adding to the middle.
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Simple
You did a great job painting a picture with simple forward wording impressive. I enjoyed reading this thanks for sharing.
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Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it.
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Very good imagery here, you create a picture, this isn't just a series of poetic words. There is a certain simplicity here, which works in this poem, overall a fascinating good write, Romanee, xx
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Thanks, glad you enjoyed the read.
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complete
simplicity, depth, clarity yet abstract ... interesting
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