leaving the bar she said
she wouldn't usually do this
I tried to believe her
while we walked the
beaten dirt path
back to her place
where each stumble was
clearly marked out before
below the lights of 452
she lit a smoke
and started a rendition of
Downtown Train
signaling me in
and I no longer cared
whether I believed her
or not
Author notes
Written November 9th, 2006
A contest entry
- Enter Something by naked roots.
300 points, ended February 27, 2007, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
This is an excellent poem. I loved the way it's layed out on the computer page and the vivid imagery. I could imagine the whole scene in my mind as I read, and for me that's one of the things that make it a great poem. Thank you for entering my contest.
-
this is...life. indifferent description at its finest. the only part that seemed unfit was the stanza that read
"while we walked the
beaten dirt path
where each stumble was
clearly marked out before
back to her place"
because the conjunction of time is not quite right. however, "was" does sound better than "had been clearly..." so perhaps you could rearrange the lines like so:
"while we walked the
beaten dirt path
back to her place
where each stumble was
clearly marked out before"
striking poem. one of those which you have to say congratulations to the writer for designing.
-
Wonderful
Again, this is such a potent poem. The last lines are wonderful. -
I like how it sounds unfinished, well maybe not unfinished, but I can't think of another word
It leaves some kind of mystery and I think that's a nice touch. I was stopping by to return the favor and I'm very glad I did. You are an incredible writer 
-
Weird
This reminds me of a few people at my school. No matter how I try to trust them. BUT I think it needs more feeling because it feels like, to me, well, to say the least, cold and like it just stops. It won't finish itself I can tell you that, but maybe there will be a day when you have this epiphany or something on how it ends. Sometimes it just needs more time, good things come with time. Maybe somewhere in the back of your mind you know how it ends but aren't fully concious of it yet.
~The Zebra -
i liked this piece- i feel as though it could be tightened a bit- doesn't perhaps in place of wouldn't? A couple other parts that could have contained more imagery- but overall i think its a strong piece and the idea behind the piece is very strong- thank you so much for entering the contest.
m -
now this is great.. a film noir moment.. the drunken stumbles and the preconceived ideas of what or might not happen..
a good strong piece and i enjoyed it alot.. well done and many thanks for entering
good luck and well done -
Well done
I like the percision of this write, it doesn't have a lot of excess elaboration and the style and fluidity is terrific. I also like the feeling of... I guess I would call it loe confusion.
Wonderful work. ~Genie~
-
Thumbs Up
This is great! Have you heard the old song "Third Rate Romance, Low Rent Rondevous"? Same principle involved. LOL, what won't we do for love...or any reasonable facsimilie thereof
Best wishes in the competition.
-
Just thought I'd stop by to read and I'm glad I did. This is a great poem! I loved how I could picture the entire scene in my mind as I read. Such an honest write, that says so much without being overly lengthy! Brilliant work!
-
Love the ending..lol..yup. A very humanist look at sexuality, honest, and brilliantly written. Well done!
-
Good poem
Great expression tool,i liked it very much!Great write,very well written nicely done!Lisa K Haslett Raytown Mo. -
Hi, I liked this, you left us on a cliff hanger,lol, I can imagine the scene, it works well,pity you could not load the pic but without it it is a good write and does not really need it, all the best in the comp, Di
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
