sweatyscared
under
the sheets
i am dripping
beads
of silence
so rumpled
between linen
and broken strands
of umber
hair
i sit awake
wondering
what did you mean by forever?
i can’t even begin to love you today
Author notes
Written November 7th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Allpoetry Book Project: Teen Inspiration. Win $100 / $30 by Kevin.
600 points, ended April 2, 2007, 57 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 43 of 43
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I have nothing to say really because everyone else seems to have explicated so well, but I loved the title. Its wonderful.
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I like it. Sort of an anti-love poem. Unrequited love from a different perspective. The descriptions where right on. Nice one!
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wonderful. simply wonderful. such a well written piece, heartfelt, and i really love the last line
the layout is perfect; this is one of those rare perfect poems
congrats on your silver; it was very well deserved
lucy
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This is a beautifully penned piece, the spaces were a bold declarition in the poem.This was a very nice poem .
The Inks alive
~Dark
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Interesting piece to be certain, nice flow to it, I find that this is succinct in a modicum of words! Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors. Hetohke'e
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forgot the applause great write
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wow simple and hard hitting ,,, great thinking words and a boom of meaning ...thankyou
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Congrats on the Silver for this piece! It is most deserved. This is an exceptional write. Your flow of thoughts is flawless and the underlying message is profound. Excellent work!
~Lori
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Really made one think after reading this poem, about times when we have felt like this - is this all there is kind of feeling? Wanting more, expecting more and knowing that this is not going to work out, for much longer, let alone forever. Congratulations on winning silver in this contest. Awesome poem.
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great title!
I thought 'today' should be immediately after 'love you' (i.e. only one line break)
Very easy to read, good use of boldface and spacing. Great job!
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and yep now I've edited the last line as suggested by you
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why, thank you Kevin
I just saw your comment on this. Glad you enjoyed the read, I appreciate it very much!
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This got me rolling'what did you mean forever?I can't even brgin to love today'The sarcasm,irony makes this piece real fanciful to me.
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I like all of the emotion you used in it. And as stated earlier, it is difficult to tell a scene in 38 words but you preformed it clearly. It makes me imagine myself laying in bed thinking, but not sleeping.
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Interesting
Who is the persona? Is it a man or woman? I could see both. To tell a scene in 38 words is pretty difficult to do, you did it well. Dripping beads of silence is a great phrase/stanza (sorry I don't know poetry jargon).
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Vivid.
A poem with a twist (effectively awkward because we're positioned as the person you're talking to).
Good description which works on the sense of touch very well. From what I've read you have an impressionist style that combines imagery (of course), emotion and circumstance to a standard equalling any poet you could name.
Also, looking at the title, the fact that this poem has 38 words in it hints that it's a forced union (hence 'forever'). Very clever.
Mesroth -
I like your choice of words. Well done.
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I think that you are an amazing poet, this poem is just so well-written...GOOD JOB!!!!
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VERY powerfull! You have a very unique way of expressing emotion
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SPLENDID
I was atracted,I confess, by the title and after reading this wonderful piece I must admitt it worthed while.Well done! Very original and challanging! It surprises the reader with a very strategic twist of situation at the end. The idea is simply brilliant! -
x
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yes
i read also 'inside' and 'everytime': spacing here at line 9, i can almost see, practically hear the little beads of sweat on the linen and how it's all crooked and half off the bed and half on very effective, the space is like a little silent picture. last three lines are like that space, only this space is written in at the end of the poem. effect of all is a picture of a long, drawn out sigh.
the poem is dark, sweet and amusing. you use much the same technique in 'inside' and 'everytime' with the same effectiveness.
this poem is irresistable.
i wish i could write like that
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amazing
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Oh wow.. each word is so powerful but simple.. just a stunning piece.
jess-
See this is why you are on my favourites list or I think you are :S.. hmm.
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I don't even have words to describe how great of a poem this is.
I love this.
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Interesting
This is raw with emotion, I also think that the format is creative. You hold very Interesting & Lovely works.
Thank you for my comment too. <33 -
this is wonderful...
al -
this is a killer poem, the close is just terrific. Thanks for entering such a fine piece.
al -
AWESOME JOB!!!!! ENJOYED IT!!!!!
This is very unique and original, and as per what I have read/reviewed of yours, somewhat different to your style in writing...... -which I have liked for quite some time-
I enjoyed this piece, for the imagery was there, and although short it had "lots" to say, very good piece.....
KEEP IT UP GIRL, YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!!!!
Be blessed with Love and light always,
Your friend,
AngelicMistress
PS
FOREVER is not difficult, it's what feelings -good or bad-
are all about
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this piece is so different to what iv been reading today but in the same hand it is still a great write... i love how your piece was layed out ... i really hope that you do well in the contest.. great job..
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Rohina,
Where would I begin... this is wonderfully penned. You have taken that talented pen of yours on another adventure. wonderuflly wonderfully expressed... this is by far one of the most interesting pieces I have read!! The ending was brillant!! You left so much to ponder! Very well done my friend!
Mel
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Beautiful
Beautiful. Lovely conposition and thoughts. very thought provoking. You have done well my friend
Go with God
Valerie
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This is short, but WOW!!!!!!! Is it strong! The title drew me in, and WOW! I am glad it did! This is fantastic! I love it. Hope to read more from you, and soon! Keep that pen flowing!
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This is... Wonderful.
Especially the ending.
This Was descriptive and intriguing.
Definately A Great Piece.<3 -
Great work
Excellent poem I liked it!very much It is truely cherished Great piece of work,Lisa K haslett Raytown Missouri! -
Oh my, I read the contest discription yesterday and I thought it was interesting, but I didn't expect to see poems like this in it. But I am very glad this one is, for it is very good. I love how there is no punctuation or anything till you get down to the question about forever, very effective. Excellent..
-Allura -
this makes me think of the few times a man has told me he loved me way too soon for my comfort... even though i may of begun to feel the same towards him. i like this
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Ooh, it's good. Short, but it poses a question that makes you really think.
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I like this!!! The contest sounds interestiong that you entered this into. It tok me a second to grasp the consept of the poem, it I actualy enjoyed it!
nuch luv~
shadowed -
thanks Mary. I was uncomfortable with that too.
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hi- love this piece- just beautiful-
i would probably delete either the and between sit awake and wondering or make wondering into wonder-
nicely done- -
There is no time in the present. We create it as we live it. Promise about tomorrow when we are still finding our balance in today often feels like a trap. To often promise about tomorrow to quickly mean fears about the present and trying to feel safe about being present in it. There are no guareentees only the ubiquitous now. Now, I like this Love, Tom B.
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Hi, short but has great feel, this was a pleasure to read but you already know that I like your poetry, would be nice to see you flit past one of mine once in a while,lol, nice write, all the best, Di
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