Saturday.
Today i
Was supposed to do coursework and research and such.
But didn’t.
Instead my books were buried under a duvet where they couldn’t take me on a guilt trip, like maybe they needed the warmth more than i did, or just a place to hide. And collect dust. And teach ancient lessons and proverbs and judicious morals to nobody in particular.
Today i
Was supposed to write a paragraph on something quite important, but didn’t.
Instead i
Remained in my pyjamas, like getting dressed was too much effort this winter, and i devoured icing out of a cereal bowl because mia’s the strongest, you know. i sang softly to myself, happy birthday, happy birthday, haunting and listless and sofuckingsweet, to make up for no candles, and no chorus, and no first-slice wish either. Today i had a lonely little celebration of mistakes and regrets and everything from then to now
And today i wondered if it was worth even eating at all and ana raised her head timidly, hopefully, but i was quick to dismiss that thought, because mia’s the strongest, you know.
And today i
thought about rationing and the children in Africa who are starving involuntarily and oh god what a fucking waste. And bending over the sink i caught a glimpse of one, two, three people in the mirror and didn’t know who i was or where i was. And for a second i wondered if it was because i’m really so privileged and just want to create a bit of drama, and whether hell is just an illusion painted by sinners from years gone by. Banished though, and then i was emptyemptyempty so i could start all over again.
Today i
Was so cold i thought my blood had frozen and
The fire in my throat was purely imagination
And then i
Noticed my fingertips were periwinkle and that only one hand was daubed in sooty varnish.
But that’s ok, because nail polish tastes bad anyway.
And as i sat in front of the computer screen and crumbled baguette in my hands
Songs swept in and out of my ears, tides of angry people hurling their angry souls away
And i stared at his screen name and wondered what he was doing and
How much
Does the truth hurt, really?
And today i drifted around the mansion that isn’t mine because i wanted the freedom to puke my guts out.
And then i
Sucked energy from elation as they slammed the front door and i needed my fix like the sun needs the sky and like a bird would feel trapped without wings.
Today i speculated about addiction
And if this is anything like being a druggie
But had no one to ask, and nothing to compare
And then i hit my head on the bath and didn’t feel anything and
At least heroin makes you thin.
And now i
Am cold again
And regretting the chocolate chips because backwards isn’t nearly as nice
And isn’t it funny, not as in ha-ha, how different this is to sickness
And how i only care about what’s easiest to get back up
And how i really want peanut butter for Christmas. Still.
And when i’m looking at pictures of skeletons
Their ankles are too thick. Thick with a th.
And i only stopped for a moment to write this before i forget and am consumed by ohmygodgetitoutgetitoutcanyoufeelthebeatingofyourheartinyourstomachandripandte arand-
Splash. Too graphic?
Curtain closes.
And i think
i’d better hurry before hometime rolls around.
Author notes
&£$*&"
sorry.
sorrysorry.
Written November 5th, 2006
In a list
- looking glass wars • next in list
- Oh Baby Baby;; • next in list
- butterflies (fav.s pt I) • next in list
- Light.house [more fav's] • next in list
A contest entry
- Bulimia by walkinthereign.
360 points, ended January 20, 2008, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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You did a great job on this piece. It is very personal and very real. The emotions are so raw and honest. I can definitly relate!!
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Wow!! This is a great prose on the kind of dialogue that can go on inside the mind when you are in the throws of this kind of addiction! I absolutely related to it.
Especially this part:
Today i speculated about addiction
And if this is anything like being a druggie
Because YES, it is like being a druggie... just a different form of abuse and high!
I hope you are winning the struggle!
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im not surprised this is on more lists.
this is truley a prose i whole heartedly wish i could write like this.
but until then im going to just read yours with love and adoration
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oh my word.
you are one of the most painful beautiful writers.
& how come I haven't read you stuff before????
am I that out of it? you've been around forever.[andever... hah. I'm funny.?]
okay wow.
this is haunting. -
Oh....My God.
This is amazing and disgusting and just....fuckkkkk.
There's so many parts in here that are just...wow. &&
I really hate it when people who dont know me go "omg, like im totally here to talk if you want to"
But.
Darling you're too fan.tab to just brush this off.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
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this is so sad, and too familiar, shit... im so sorry sweetie i hate that ur going through this...
i relate to this much too well, n im still avoiding the english essay i have to write before 2moro... but hey yknow me, i don't need to sleep...
i really want to be sick now, i just came in from work and was hungry and now i feel really bloated and gross...
ugg...
"And when i’m looking at pictures of skeletons
Their ankles are too thick"
i always think that too, i look at the thinest people and think - she needs to lose weight... or her ankles are fat/ her shoulders are wide... its so shitty.
im so sorry honey.
i loveyou x -
Never ever be sorry..
Oh, this is just way too real, it hurts. The mirror bit, just that brief glance in the slight gap between pulling your fingers out of your throat and the food coming up. That moment, that seems to last forever, but where you could not possibly stop the future from coming.
I want to go and make myself sick now so badly. SO so badly.
~sigh~ I love you darling, I really do. I've missed you.
Tonight, when you are sitting in bed, shut your eyes, and come to neverland - you, me and con. We can all get there if it's at the same time..
Oh this made me sad, it's just so familiar.
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