This is a lengthened version of a poem I posted here some time ago. It is now quite long - 100 lines - so don't start it if your attention span isn't up to it.
Red-head with phosphorus
Red-haired girl in a white bikini
who he saw for the first time aglow
on a launch moored in a Rottnest bay
twenty-five years ago,
inviting them up from their sailing dinghy
to share the owner's champagne,
as the green water lapped in the sunlight,
as they bobbed on the mooring chain.
He was, he recalls, a painful mess
and she was sweet and kind,
both certainly more than he deserved,
and more than he'd looked to find.
Quaffing champagne in the cockpit,
and diving off the bow.
It would be perfect, the owner remarked
if they could stop time now.
He nodded his agreement,
said something and made a grin,
with all the memories recalled
by sun and salt on the skin.
He thought he concealed those matters
that nobody needed to know,
diving in water like cool green light
with the sand two fathoms below,
with the rolling sea-grass meadows,
and an old fish-darted wreck,
then climbing the Jacob's ladder
back to the sunny deck.
And she, and his friend, and the owner
laughed together in the sun.
He was the moody, silent dork,
just trying to offend no-one.
She bent over them and filled the mugs
with another round of champagne.
For a moment a flash-back took him,
and then he was there again.
And he looked out nor'-eastward,
beyond the island's lee,
where waves ran white on the Transit reefs,
white horses of the sea.
He thought for a moment of Prufrock,
watching the sea-girls swim,
he slammed memory shut on a previous life,
and what it had been for him.
He didn't want any tears to start,
so decreed his final drink,
and sat running verses through his head,
as a way of not having to think.
He watched the others laughing
in another dimension of space,
though he came to notice her lovely shape
and also her lovely face.
With the sun and the sparkling wavelets
in the island morning light.
Her face was framed in a pixie-cut
and she laughed and her eyes were bright.
The water flashed with gold on the green,
the sand was gold on the shore.
Pixie cut ... He wondered which
of the others she might be for.
He held his own face impassive,
hoping it showed no troubles.
Holding it with an effort,
as she squeezed past with the bubbles.
Later they took the dinghy
and sailed in the moonlit bay,
He remembers that phosphorescent time
as if it were yesterday.
Or yesternight rather, past sunset
as they sailed through the easterly blow
with the launches and yachts at their anchors,
and the phosphorous aglow,
with the dinghy's bows splitting the dark,
and the easterly blowing warm,
his friend lying drunk on the bottom-boards,
and she snuggled under his arm.
And lights on the island and anchored boats
dwindled and left them the stars.
The waves rushed in cool green fire
and the sheets were taut as bars.
A wonderful night, he thought as they sailed
(I said more than he'd looked to find).
He'd never forget it, he thought, and he had
no more than that in his mind.
The moon slid down and he put about,
headed back and the reefs slid past.
They came ashore by the Army base
and he thought it was over at last.
They waded ashore through that green fire
when the night was otherwise black.
Then, very daring, he kissed her.
She, amazingly, kissed him back.
When they'd dug the anchor into the sand
and pulled the boat up the shore,
he turned to her in astonishment
to see if the night held more.
That was a night, whatever's come since,
(people and pleasure and pain!).
Oh! Pocket-sized red-headed Venus,
who put him together again!
Author notes
Option 2
A contest entry
- Story Time! by BeautifulCalamity08.
525 points, ended January 5, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make It Romantic by Reflections Lived.
950 points, ended December 23, 2006, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 5 options for the creative poet by bananasfoster42.
525 points, ended December 29, 2006, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Arbitrary by Memoirs of a Girl.
550 points, ended January 7, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Drown me with romance! by The Vulture.
540 points, ended February 1, 2007, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best Pre-Write Ever by a n g e l.
600 points, ended January 28, 2007, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I just want your personal best. by disparate.
900 points, ended February 20, 2007, 55 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best ! by vasi.
700 points, ended March 10, 2007, 123 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark, Uplifting, Heartbroken, Whatever. by All u wanted me 2 b.
600 points, ended April 25, 2007, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tales Untold by Sokarjo.
1200 points, ended June 20, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sea Breezes by daeste.
700 points, ended July 11, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - give me your favourites (prewrites allowed). by aeolia.
500 points, ended July 29, 2007, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-write Party ~ Closes In One Day by Namita.
300 points, ended October 1, 2007, 90 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Three Options by Learning2PaintYou.
575 points, ended November 29, 2008, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Few Options For My Sanity by LunaAmara.
900 points, ended November 25, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - all the prewrites you want (theres a catch) by serenity silvermoon.
400 points, ended January 7, 299 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrite contest open to everyone now first come first serve by serenity silvermoon.
638 points, ended February 28, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
-
It certain ly held my interest!
Described but understated, the emotions here take over the poem, living what many have less gracefully known, to take us to a most satisfying ending.
In any poem, the meaning, story, and emotion are far more important than (sterile) technical form. We have that. However to have both would make it supreme!
Rhythmic without strict iambs, we could edit to change "any" to “the” in “He didn't want any tears to start,” for iambic when the dadaTA dadaTA of anapestic meter was not consistent. Editing is far more difficult than getting the beat from the start!
The ABCB rhyming pattern works well.
Nice to see figurative language: metaphor, "waves, white horses of the sea." also ”phosphorescent time” is a truly original thought.
I would recommend this to be among finalists.
Terry -
A proper story poem, if a bit light on plot. Thanks for entering my contest. celtic queen
-
i do like this--but like you said it's very long
good work though
good luck
-
Thank you for your entry.
-
I am not going to start reading it as per your instructions.
-
Too long, but yea, nice. Godo luyck.
Luv,
Candy
-
Well done
You were not joking when you said it was a bit long...However it was a very good read. Thank you for entering my contest. -
Entry for "Sea Breezes" contest
-
Not too long at all.... a thoroughly enjoyable read. Beautifully worded and full of delightful imagery. My favorite stanza:
And he looked out nor'-eastward,
beyond the island's lee,
where waves ran white on the Transit reefs,
white horses of the sea.
Thank you for this beautiful entry.
-
Removing from my contest did not ask for a form
-
Thank you for the entry, a lovely poem.
-
I thought it was a little slow in the begining but it really picked up nicely. Well written and a pretty good flow, message me if you want your score. Make sure to include the name of your poem. Thanks for entering.
-
I loved the length, I didn't think it was long at all. Any poem well written, no matter the length is easy and enjoyable to read.
I'm in awe of this piece, at the moment. Maintaining the structure throughout the entire piece, creating rhymes that fit over and over again. I often find it's not well done and it's hard to do, and thus, sometimes poems end up feeling very elementary, this one didn't.
I loved the story, the imagery, stanza after stanza. This really pulled me in and I related to it. Anticipating, waiting, hoping for love we feel unworthy of. The reference to Prufrock was an excellent trick. It's one of my favourite's by T. S. Elliot, the line made me recall Profrock's complete sense of self-worth and his complex of feeling superior while feeling completely inferior.
This was very well done, I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for taking the time to enter, I'm sorry it took so long for me to comment on your entry. Best of luck!
-
Stunning
Wow. Thanks so much for putting me on to this piece. It is perfectly charming with such a beautiful flow it took no time from beginning to end to feel those quickened emotions. An amazing work. Just plain stunning. I LOVED THIS TO BITS! ~Pam
-
Stick to your guns
I loved it. The length. Everything.
I do however have a quandry. It seemed as though you deviated in some parts for communication. In a poem of this length I would rework these parts for it makes it hard to swallow
just a reader.
-
long...
...but it has a nice flow to it thanks for the rhyming scheme =) The imagery really brought the moment alive with a gush of romance... beautiful it was indeed. Way to take your time to write such an interesting piece!
Thanks for entering my contest. -
I love that it tells a story, because that's what makes me interested. However, this poem is way too long which detracted my interest. If you could make it shorter, that would be great. thanks for entering and good luck.
-
Best of luck in the contest to you.
-
very very nice! i likeit alot! RYC: there is a box under the poem category list that says, "any notes about this poem." that is where u should put the option(s)
-
very nice! a tad lengthy but well worth the wait! good luck! *kat~~~
-
Thank you for your kind remarks. I am sorry you have not been on a sailing boat - you ought to take the chance if you can, provided the weather is nice!
-
I appreciate your talent to rhyme and move a story through the verses with a sense of love in the memory of something special that healed a sadness within. The picture of the bay and sailing is soft in my mind. I love the sea and live near it, but I've never been on a sailboat, only watched with envy as they grace the water from a distance. What a beautiful view to share. I am a romantic at heart, so the ending would have disappointed me had Venus not been at work.
~ Klassy
-
Hal, I remember this from first time around and the story behind it, it's so you, nautical, romantic and warm on the skin. I usually cringe at 'romantic' poetry all those roses, stars and moons, with you we get a red headed pixie at Rottnest bay. Luverly
Barbx -
Thank you for your very kind comments. Given what you have said, I might with due humilityy suggest you might enjoy my verse "Climbing" though it is in a very different key. Best wishes with your writing.
-
Written by a gifted & talented writer
I was all set to tell you a blonde joke I heard Joel Osteen tell yet you were not making fun of red head and instead a beautifully written poem. So many wonderful stanzas I won't enumerate. Vivid imagery and I felt like I was there. Made me want to hop in the car and drive to the Gulf of Mexico (only beaches I've been to so why I thought of.) I love the ocean. Isn't it odd we only vacation to where we love and often live where we barely survive day to day. Oh well, I will share Joel Osteen's joke too and if bothers you I can delete off this message. Sort of cute and since I still have remnants of my dishwater blonde hair I guess okay if I tell. Actually, term dishwater blonde hair always bothered me more than any blonde joke. Here goes...
A man sitting in sports bar, during half time, turned to tell the woman next to him a joke. Woman said, "Before you tell me this joke I want you to know I'm a six foot tall roller derby queen, the woman next to me is a 6'1" tall wrestler and the woman next to her a 6'2" kick boxer." Man said, "Thanks for telling me as I'd hate to have had to explain that joke three times." -
I see what you mean by your comment on my piece, though this has much more of a story behind it than does mine. I appreciate the thoughts though, well worth the read.
-
Good to hear from you. I hope all is going well for you!
On my afternoon walk yesterday a couple MORE stanzas for this poem came to m, but I figured it was long enough already for this site. I have written them down in the hard version. I don't seem to be writing much new poetry lately, but I am gradually polishing up some old verses like this for an eventual book. The possibility of publishing books of poetry here in Australia is very bad at the moment, however. I have had six books brought out in the past, but all the big publishers have folded their poetry lists in the last few years, and I'm not quite desperate enough to go into self-publishing yet! -
most enjoyable
good afternoon. this piece made for such a captivate read. the narrator's tone is endearing and the descriptions, vivid and detailed as you always make them, are spectacular.
-
Fantastic poem, i love poems that tell a tale WEll done
Adding your comment:
1 - 29 of 29
