one dark night
two heads tipped back
watching it snow
I mentioned it looked like sperm,
your head shook in disgust -
a button was pushed
and I smirked
sperm is too close to sex,
a subject not spoken of
between conservative and liberal -
you’re rigid in belief not in flesh,
talking about ‘some-day’
doesn’t get a damn thing done today
I’ve been bent too far
but you can’t see it
for worrying
the line grows thinner
between your decline
and mine
Author notes
Written November 4th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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images here takes the reader away
well me anyway nice one
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I definitely agree with the "clever and creative" comment on this one. I liked the entire vibe of the piece - the imagery, the candor, the perfect ending thought to tie it all together in a nicely tailored poem.
well done!
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My first impression when reading this poem was that it was clever and creative. I was correct. I love the story that you tell and the way that you have told it. A brilliant last stanza leaves me still thinking about your poem long after I have read it. A great way to complete the poem. Well done dear poet.
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Hello and welcome to my contest. I am always pleased to see names I don't recognize come to play here. It's always the best way to get to know others writing. Or have you been to one of my contests before? You do look sort of familiar.
But I also feel it necessary to tell people unaccustomed to me, a little something about my personality. And that is, I'm inclined to be bluntly honest. Not mean, just straight forward about the impressions your piece left me with and suggestions I might have. You are not obligated to change a thing. But it is always wise to at least take them into consideration.
That being said, let's move onto your piece. Read it, thought it was interesting. If I interperted correct, your talking about this person giving in soon, or so you speculate. Like the scene of falling snow. It was a great lead in for this. There are some good points to it.
On the critical side, I would like to have seen that winter kept it's place in your poem, but I found that it vanished after the first stanza. Not that you should mention it again, but perhaps it could play some role in metaphor. Most of this this was written well enough and conveyed poetically. However, here:
~~your head shook in disgust -
a button was pushed
and I smirked
sperm is too close to sex,
a subject not spoken of
between conservative and liberal -~~
I felt like it fell a little to the right in trying to tell. Perhaps you could find a way to word this, that becomes word play or something. For it become too much 'tell' and no show. In other words, plain speak. It really doesn't fit with the whole rest of your piece. It seems a shame.
But other then that, I thought it came out well. Thanx for coming to play~ -
this is one I think the widow will be pleased with, sensational piece that hits the contest head on...no pun intended
best wishes
Peace Muddy -
Hey, this is a different piece but it is very interesting and different. It also flowed really well. Nice job with this.
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i really liked this piece.
it was interesting.
a job well done. -
I really like this piece, it rings of originality, something that seems to be scarce these days, well at least in many of the writes I have read. (hate to generalize like that, I know is many fine poets out there) Anyway, back to your piece, I love it. very nice job you have penned here.
God bless
Suzi -
The flow is wonderful, really accents the words. Two people together, but not completely. Where will it go from here? Great job!
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Yes, that ending is a neat way to put what it really means - liked the brevity of the lines and the flow of the piece.
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I really like the end of this poem...
the line grows thinner between your decline and mine...
as if it is evident that this relationship will either end up in sex...or the friendship will be broken.
interesting topic! Well done
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