Hey now, look where we are;
I'm here all alone,
I'm flying single now,
I'm all on my own,
I'm stickin it to my way,
and there's nothing you can do!
Dancing in the rain,
Poking and playing,
Learning what it really meant to Love!
Giving it all my heart,
just to be gone,
Giving it all,
Giving it all away.
Hey now look where we are
I'm here all alone,
I'm flying single now,
I'm all on my own,
I'm stickin it to my way,
and there's nothing you can do!
Learning from Childhood,
That it was meant to be.
Knowing we as us were perfect,
and that is was true,
And it was true.
Hitting the ground with my insecurities,
You standing by my side helping me win.
Our love hid our immaturity.
And now were done.
Author notes
Written November 3rd, 2006
I would like more imagery, and a better flow to this poem
A contest entry
- im baaack!!! by nobodys-girl.
500 points, ended April 8, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter poems you genuinely want to improve by Danna Hobart.
415 points, ended April 27, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Please let me die i promise it wont hurt 3> by beautyamoungblades.
305 points, ended April 22, 2007, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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this was a great poem..i really liked the flow and the words you choose..this was a very powerful and emotional as well keep writting your very talented
~Chrissy~ -
Good write but out of all honesty I dont mean to be mean but I think you meant something other than how it came off to me.You have the brilliancy so maybe a better flow would be better,Im sorry i dont mean to be mean
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Hey now, look where we are;
I'm here all alone,
I'm flying single now,
*** Did you mean to say ”flying solo”…? Perhaps you meant a clever variant of the phrase?
I'm all on my own,
I'm stickin it to my way,
*** There should be an apostrophe to show the missing g in stickin’
and there's nothing you can do!
Dancing in the rain,
Poking and playing,
Learning what it really meant to Love!
Giving it all my heart,
just to be gone,
Giving it all,
Giving it all away.
Hey now look where we are
I'm here all alone,
I'm flying single now,
I'm all on my own,
I'm stickin it to my way,
and there's nothing you can do!
Learning from Childhood,
That it was meant to be.
Knowing we as us were perfect,
and that is was true,
And it was true.
Hitting the ground with my insecurities,
You standing by my side helping me win.
Our love hid our immaturity.
And now were done.
*** There should be an apostrophe in the word “we’re,” otherwise it means something else entirely.
***There are different rules for songs than there are for poems. Poetry strives to stay away from cliché, and to show rather than tell. Lyrics often tell instead of show, and songs thrive on the cliché. I am not a lyricist, so I am at a disadvantage here. If you are serious about adding more imagery, then you need to take the images you already have and expand on them, for example:
I'm flying single now,
like Amelia Earhart
That can create a nice allusion if flying single is not really something you want, because we all know how Amelia Earhart ended up. On the other hand, if flying single is something that you are happy about, then you can choose a solo pilot who was successful. You may also be able to expand on the image of dancing in the rain. -
This is being removed from the contest because you did not leave a mote in your author's comments telling me what it is with the poem that you want to work on. You may re-enter it after you have done that.
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oh my gosh this is a great write! i can relate so much and i just love the flow! thankyou for entering and good luck!
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Your lyrically brilliant, but I guess my reaction to this piece was mostly just.... stunned. I guess what this song implied, I never expected, and yet, always expected. Everyone saw perfection, but sometimes perfection isn't what people really run after... And for some reason, that is okay, and right.
But you sound happy, and I hope that you are.
Love you Will,
Shirley
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great
I really enjoyed this piece, and I think I understand what you were trying to get across..Though you loved this person, you realize that it just didn't work out..and you miss them, but you refuse to have it stop your life...and moving on is the best thing, though you truly miss them..Honestly I can relate and I think you portrayed it very well in this piece..The repition and rhyme pattern was a great touch as well..Though I would have enjoyed it to be longer and with more imagery...just a little constructive critisim for next time..though this didn't really have any major flaws..keep writing
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