As the season's now upon us-
the sadness that i feel intensifies.
Bare trees and bitter winds-
conspire to feed the sorrow that exists;
in this desolate place,
a place with no time.
Despite the efforts of the sunshine-
my world is swathed in black and bitterness.
Bleak nights and frozen dawns-
grind me down and dissipate my hopes;
this miserable place,
a place with no light.
As the frost mists up the windows-
i'm tainted by insipid hues of grey.
Cold sheets and candlelight-
await me in my damp and lonely room;
this dispirited place,
a place without heart.
The smell of death is all around me-
winter's came and cast it's wicked spell.
As birds fly to sunny climes,
i'm left alone upon this fragile earth,
In this eerie old place,
a place with no life.
Author notes
OPTION A, depression. Written November 3rd, 2006
A contest entry
- Inspire Me by Shantalina.
700 points, ended January 22, 2007, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pain by Tenchi 7786.
450 points, ended February 15, 2007, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - So You Think You Have Soul?? by Trixie08.
300 points, ended September 2, 182 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Emotions, Desires, and Secrets by Suberu14.
450 points, ended June 5, 2007, 21 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pain and Depression by thedevilsgirl.
475 points, ended November 16, 2007, 55 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Depression, Anxiety & Betrayal's Wrath. by Poetryintheblood.
600 points, ended October 23, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark Pain...Make Me Cry and Feel the Pain by MusicMattnessLives.
375 points, ended March 3, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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wow. i enjoyed reading this poem. i could tell, it seems like the world is lifeless. awesome. good luck and good write.
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This is excellent. I love how you put a different description of the 'place' (or state?) at the end of each stanza. The repetition works well. Your metaphors are terrific. It's great to see a piece about depression that not only expresses what its like, but is truly 'poetic' as well.
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Great piece with superb imagery, best of luck in the contest!
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Thank you for your heartfelt entry, I can relate very well to it, as I can't lift myself out of this depression, Josephine
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"Despite the efforts of the sunshine-
my world is swathed in black and bitterness.
Bleak nights and frozen dawns-
grind me down and dissipate my hopes;
this miserable place,
a place with no light."
Wow to this creativity. This is sooooooo sad. Liked it.
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Wow - I loved this it was absolutely magnificent! You could feel the depression and the lonliness in every word. It was captivating and I loved the flow! Excellent! I wish you the best of luck in my contest! I think you'll go far as a poet, this was amazing!
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this is a good poem. good luck
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The imagery is amazing. You can see it like it's in front of you. Good luck.
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These lines really seemed to pop out at me: "Bare trees and bitter winds-/conspire to feed the sorrow that exists;", "Despite the efforts of sunshine-/my world is swathed in black and bitterness.", "Bleak nights and frozen dawns-", "winter's came and cast it's wicked spell." "I'm left alone in this fragile earth,/In this eerie old place, a place with no life." Wow...incredible, amazing write!!! The imagery, metaphores and passion in this poem all work together, creating this powerful, gloomy, grasping image and mood. The way you use imagery from nature, the bleakness of winter, is superb! Very in depth, strong, eloquent write!!!!
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thank you very much indeed for your fantastic comments,
floorbaords.
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WOW you really have captured pain in this piece and it's so sorrowful and I just feel like reaching out and it's very depressing but, don't get me wrong there is nothing bad about that I've felt that way for a very long time and still feel that way. Which makes rising above it makes it even more beautiful. Thank you and best of luck in the contest.
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very atmospheric. love the colours invoked, and the spindly-ness. The smells, too. It's a very sensual poem, in an anti way.
good job the spring's here, or I'd be quite depressed after reading this! A brilliant slip into abeyance. thanks for the read
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thanks for entering my contest. You painted the bleak picture well with a good use of imagery. good luck in my contest
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wow awesome work.love how you tied it all to nature and the season. great work, lots of emtionand depth.
thanks for entering. goodluck -
Wow, I honestly think this is one of the best poems i've ever read, and that is saying something. I love your form, and I love the motifs throughout it, like how the "place" is different as in correspondence to the verse, and the role the imagery plays in helping the reader understand the deep sadness of the poet. I love the reference to nature, the cold winter representing your emotions, and how not even the efforts of the sun can warm them. Don't we all wish we were birds that could just fly away from whatever befalls us. Brilliantly written!
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Good luck in the contest
Ryan -
GREAT poem i liked it alot !! keeep up the good work
thanks for enetering -
Wow. This was amazing! Im glad to see that you entered my contest. Because this is exactly what Im looking for!
I wont say much except this was incredable.
Keep it up!
Good luck!
Taylor. -
Wow, this is lovely in its melancholy tones and colours. I like it very much - I know the feeling of being somewhere sheltered in grey grimness, frost clinging at the windows and no happiness or movement or life... no vibrance and no hope. Everything fades into blackish mush, cold around your tired body as a wintry lethargy takes over. Myes. Lovely write. x
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I love It I love the wording in it! Great write! Good Luck in the Contest
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Wow...really great. I can see everything you're saying. Really like the way you described everything. great job.
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We are looking for poetry that shows. This poem tells. The reason poetry is supposed to show is that when it shows, poetry engages the reader, they participate in the poem. The difference between showing and telling can be difficult to explain. Let me see if I can show you instead:
There are no images at all in your first two lines. They could be cut without losing anything from the poem.
Bare trees and bitter winds-
feed the sorrow
in this place where
sands do not flow
between the chambers
of the hour glass.
Okay, that sucks, but it is just an example of how to show that the place is without time, without coming right out and telling it. Let’s try another example:
My world
swathed in black and bitterness.
Bleak nights and frozen dawns-
grind me down
until all hope dissipates
with morning rain.
Okay, again, that is just an example. The problem here is that your verb, grind is not congruent with your weather metaphor. Maybe you could try using erode.
Okay, I think you see where I am going here, so I am going to stop critiquing. -
Ouch. I hate feeling like that. I loved the 2nd verse, it made me go OEoAhAhTingTangWallaWallaBingBang...(im a little out of it at the moment, my apologies.) This was excellent work, and i wish you the best of wishes,
--Make sense to me--
Inanonsense~ -
Very hostile poem, and very well thought out. Coming from anothe Alex, I can see part of your life added to the poem. Also, the poem reminds me of our typical winters here in Winnipeg MB
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Amazing!
This is exactly how I feel at this moment in time! With winter I hit this terribly low depression, for I have seasonal Bi-Polar, and this poem is everything I am feeling. The last stanza I think is the best, just because I can relate to it the most. Everyone I have lost in my life I have lost in past Januarys, so it is like death DOES surround me, and its a terrible feeling. Thank you so much for entering this amazing piece and keep writing such!
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Excellent
Alex, this is a very beautifully written and Emotionally charged Poem
. Keep up the great work and best of luck to you in the contest.
Cheers
Terry -
Beautifully written. The repeats are thoughtful too.
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Very nice write. I like your take on winter and not being able to escape it. I know that I hate being cold more than anthing...
I love your flow and your word usage was awesome. Keep up the good work!
Mech
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this is stark and empty. so beautifully written. there is a haunting saddness to it that draws you in and leaves you wanting more. good luck in the contest its going to be a hard one to beat
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Wow, this is an amaising poem. I love the organization and the descent down to "a place with no life" ...very creative indeed. Your combining winter with death is a wonderful blend, and the imagery you used to portray your subject was intense. Well done. I wish you luck in the contest.
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heeheehee, cheers jan,
alex
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Alex, I would like to borrow your brain for just a day. It is filled with intellect, imagination and talent. All this is evident in every poem that I have the pleasure to read. Beautiful!
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Alex! my friend! this has the makings of one of your absolute best! i'm looking forward to reading the end product. Looking good babe. Funcklepounces ya! [snogaroonies]
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