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All Or Nothing To Me

If I were to write something, what would it be? It would be that this writing means nothing to me. All or nothing—it matters not which it would be. All of nothing hits, and shatters hot glass into me.



The blood that once ran through my veins has run cold, and drained from the body that wasn’t yet old. It didn’t just run through my veins, I’ve been told; it ran to my heart, from a heart of white gold.



It ran through my flesh ‘fore my flesh had a heart…a beloved, living being from my single-celled start. Though our love still connected, our flesh torn apart. So, a bane is all writing or any such art. Appallingly pale seems all heretofore hailed as beauty in this, a world now replete with complete incompleteness, its failings unveiled.



For what in this world or this life could have prolonged her joy or her strife, had she pleaded for such? Or what from a Wife spurned, or Mother who yearned for her boy might I learn may have proven too much for even a golden white heart. It emboldened the soul to behold how she held on to hope and to love. But, though love lingers long and still comes, hope is gone—having fallen…being felled on death’s slope.



So slipping, indeed, yes, ‘tis gone, and gone with it is any thought need for joy I once sought. Now, all of my joys and posing possessions and limbs would I give for what cannot be bought. I’m seeking a peace in this bleakness, or at least release from this chasing what cannot be caught. What havoc was wreaked I can’t speak, having been wrecked. I writhe like a worm in it’s grip, but can’t slip from this grasp from which I will never be wrought. And why should I, now that all of my promises, prayers and plans have come full circle—to naught.



Why did I lay on that floor every day, and say I would pray for my Mother, then not? Why would I lie like a liar to the highest desire in my heart, and make my honor a blot? Within me, upon me, my mind is against me. All kind words have left me. My anger burns hot! But like the kind words I never said to my Mother—like these words I now utter—all or nothing will rot.



If all things will be nothing, so let them become, for nothing is all they were ever to be. Let them fall down to the sound of death’s drum, into the freedom of being nothing to me. Return all life’s beauty to where it came from, before it had tricked us by what we might see. Let nothing be anything, not even some, for nothing will bring back my Mother to me.







for Mom

©Marvin D. Johnson, 12 JUN 2005

Author notes

This is truly the truest of Love stories. It's not romantic Love, but I think deep Parent-Child Love is the closest thing we can find in this life to being a human version of the Love of God.



This is also the 1st time I am sharing it with the world-at-large. My Mom died last year (24MAY), and I wrote this on the plane, flying back to Fallon (where I live) from Toledo (home), after her funeral.



This describes a place I was stuck at for about 6 months, and for most of this year have spent much time. I still spend a considerable amount of time there, but I can see it becoming less. There is no "complete" healing, and I expect to revisit--at least occasionally, until I leave this broken existence.



There has definitely been, and will continue to be, healing. And I have since then come to be able to again appreciate beauty in this world. At the time I wrote this, though, anything even remotely approaching beauty seemed to be doing nothing more than making a mockery of life and my Love for Mom.



Ever since I joined AP I've been mulling over whether or not to post it. But, oh well--here goes everything...



God Bless You,
Sincerely,
†Marvin J.


ps-20NOV2006, I just posted a reading of this piece on my YouTube channel. If you want to hear it, you can visit YouTube.com and search for BlackJaPanther--or you can just link to it here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcNtZiNGjck

GBU, MDJ.
Written June 12th, 2005
SPADES

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 53 of 53

  • Sheilasbabygal4life
    October 13

    Edit | Reply
    This was good. I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for entering and best of luck too you in the contest.


  • foreveryourslove
    October 7

    Edit | Reply
    aww this was a really good poem i love it you definetly should get great things from this piece
    with love always
    ~jasmine~
    ps. you can always check out my pooetry very apprecaited


  • xstillbeating
    October 2

    Edit | Reply
    "Though our love still connected, our flesh torn apart" That Line Really cuaght my eye. You have a beautiful way of putting your words. This was a very well written piece. I am so sorry to hear about your mother. Thank you for posting this. Good Luck To you.


    • Black JaPanther
      October 2
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you so much

      Not just for the Gold Award--thank you for that--but even more so for taking the time to specify something that you liked (specifically 8o) about the piece. I hope if you ever find a few free minutes, you will actually visit the link to hear the reading. That's not something I felt free to ask before your contest was over.
      Visited your AP profile and subsequently your MS page. Represent--Ohio (Toledo), God and your American Soldier!! God Bless You Both, And Your Love For Each Other.

      Sincerely,
      SFC Marvin J. †


  • LeilaJayne
    October 2

    Edit | Reply
    It is true, parent-child love is the deepest of all. I felt your pain reading this... it's very nicely done. I could almost hear you reading it to me...
    Thanks for entering x


  • Tqop
    October 1

    Edit | Reply

    Thanks for sharing this:

    I listened your poem and I felt your pain as if it were mine. The Bible brings us hope at, John 5:28,29: 28 "Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgment."

    Revelation 21: And I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the former heaven and the former earth had passed away, and the sea is no more. 2 I saw also the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God and prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say: “Look! The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his peoples. And God himself will be with them. 4 And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”

    Psalms 46:1 "God is for us a refuge and strength,
    A help that is readily to be found during distresses"

    Psalms 37or evildoers themselves will be cut off,
    But those hoping in Jehovah are the ones that will possess the earth.
    ו [Waw]
    10 And just a little while longer, and the wicked one will be no more;
    And you will certainly give attention to his place, and he will not be.
    11 But the meek ones themselves will possess the earth,
    And they will indeed find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace.

    Isaiah 33:24: And no resident will say: “I am sick.” The people that are dwelling in [the land] will be those pardoned for their error.

    Psalms 55:22: Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself,
    And he himself will sustain you.
    Never will he allow the righteous one to totter.

    John 3:16: “For God loved the world so much that he gave his only-begotten Son, in order that everyone exercising faith in him might not be destroyed but have everlasting life.


    Ecclesiastes 9:5: For the living are conscious that they will die; but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all, neither do they anymore have wages, because the remembrance of them has been forgotten.

    Phillipians 4:6,7:  Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let YOUR petitions be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard YOUR hearts and YOUR mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.

    I hope these scriptures are of comfort to you.


  • guardianhost gold member
    October 1

    Edit | Reply

    Golden

    Filled with raw emotions, depth, beauty, sorrow...loss yet a Love so strong.
    Well done,
    Best Regards
    cheryl


  • evershine-90
    September 30

    Edit | Reply
    This is a touching and beautiful write. I'm sory for your loss, well written piece Thank you soo much for entering my contest
    Evershine


  • liquidmindforever gold member
    September 30

    Edit | Reply
    Dear Poet,

    First, congratulations on all the trophies you've won for this expression of grief
    and love.

    thank you for entering my contest "Broken Hearts, Lost Dreams," with your
    submission, "All or Nothing to me."

    this exposure and willing to share may truly play a role in your deep healing.

    wishing you the best
    till then
    stay
    liquid

    • Black JaPanther
      October 2
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you for your kind, fair comment.

      I knew you had romantic love in mind, and after reading this comment started to write something new about the Love that broke me into the most shards, but realized I'm not ready to try to put that into words yet. My piece "The Letter" was written in the agony of that loss, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to write about the actual relationship itself--in any detail that would do any good. Sorry to have disappointed, and thanks again for your heartfelt condolences. Now that your contest is over, I hope you will visit the YT link.

      GBU, MDJ. †


  • SheWasPreternatural
    September 30

    Edit | Reply
    My condolences to your loss. I know personally that the love a parent has for their child surpasses their love for family, friends, lovers, and God. And if it does not, they are no true parent. There is only one word i can summon for this- beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. You have creatively executed this piece and for that I praise your strength and knowledge. Bravo.


  • Antebellum
    September 24

    Edit | Reply
    Awe Im sorry about your mom.
    This is a beautifully written piece. I love the form/ choice of words.
    thanks for entering.


  • BarbedWireButterfly
    September 19

    Edit | Reply
    Sorry but prose really isn't my fortei, so it's not my place to really say much about this piece of work. Some nice imagery though.


  • sighingflosser.
    September 16
    Edit | Reply
    prose doesn't include rhyme.


  • oTazZo
    September 4

    Edit | Reply
    This was well put together no real mistakes spelling wise that i could see
    to be fair it was a very good write and im thankfull you allowed me to read such a beautiful thing.


  • Blue-Rose Beauty
    August 19

    Edit | Reply
    I'm sorry, there's a rule about poems that have won gold trophies, can you please enter another write into the contest "Constructive criticism?"

    Thanks. :


  • tearrsofthemoon
    July 28

    Edit | Reply
    Very moving, heart wrenching peice. You have written an excellent piece here where you havre poured your heart out. I can feel the emotion, and that is just what I want to do. So excellent job here poet. Thank you for sharing your piece and good luck in my contest.


  • Serenity-words
    March 25
    Edit | Reply
    Good job, thanks for entering.

  • ichigosama
    March 10

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    ichigosama

    wow!!!
    this is some strong, cold stuff. nothing is stronger than a parent's love for a child. good job and thanks for entering!!!!!


  • blondone
    March 1

    Edit | Reply
    Strong and powerful; writing here but I do not think this one fits you may try and enter another but this one will be removed Depression is the Prompt... I do feel this is an outstanding write I would only suggest you were to break it down into more of a form the stanza lines are too long sometimes less is more when writing a poem I hate saying all of this cause I am no Pro by far but this is a outstanding write anyways not for this contest try another ...


  • Violent Glass
    February 24

    Edit | Reply
    wow this is heatbreakin, it's very sad, i'm sorry about you mother.... this was a beautiful peice, your right it doesn't fit in my contest but i do think its wonderful, thanx for sharing it with me, i'm glad you did! great piece.


  • Heroesrox
    February 23
    Edit | Reply
    omg. I want this background!

    • Black JaPanther
      September 18
      Edit | Reply

      Heroesrox, I just figured out something...

      ...You said you wanted this background, and I thought you might have to request it. But, try just right clicking on the screen and trying all the options--save, set or copy--listed for the background. Please let me know if any of them work.
      GBU, MDJ. †

    • Black JaPanther
      February 24
      Edit | Reply

      Hmmm...

      ...I'm not sure what happened to it. It used to be under the standard AP choices--either Themes or Patterns. They might keep it in an archive somewhere (It has to be on their servers, or it wouldn't show up on the page.). You can probably check with their webmaster. I hope you can find and use it.

      GBU, MDJ. †


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    February 23

    Edit | Reply
    How very sad. THis is wonderfully writen, I am sorry for your loss, losing someone you love is never an easy hing to go through. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.


  • Aedara-Wren silver member
    February 19

    Edit | Reply
    Its obviously a really heartfelt poem and a very moving one and since it is so personal I don't think any further comment is necessary other than to say it is also a very good poem. good luck in the contest


  • Erozay
    January 22
    Edit | Reply
    its good i like it


  • BlAcKAmythest AnG3l
    December 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i really like this poem. i saw you had put a comment on the girls( dont remember her name) contest thing but u cldnt enter it bc it was a dq feature. well i really think this is a beautiful poem. i'm sorry about wat happened in the poem. its nice for you to be able to write it out that that


  • ASmileForYou
    December 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for inviting me to read this! It is absolutely stunning! I'm glad you decided to finally post this, and I'm very sorry about your mother.


  • trekkergirl
    October 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    not at all sure what to think of this one. Congrats on willing all those trophies it is surely deserved. I think that you wrote this very well. Thanks for joining in on my contest.


  • Ktulu Blackwolfe silver member
    October 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    First of all let me say that I am sorry for your loss. Your words here are very painful indeed as i could feel the heartbreak in every line.

    **Ktulu Blackwolfe**


  • arnica karuna
    October 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Yeah, I've been there too. Your write has emotions expressed so well all through it. The composition has love and affection intertwined so beautifully. It seems dark, but not in a glaring fashion. Your careful choice of words makes a lasting impression and I am glad you entered. I loved the last line which sort of keeps echoing through my mind, because I always have felt so, but have never been able to put it into words so gracefully.
    "Let nothing be anything, not even some, for nothing will bring back my Mother to me."

    Thanks for your entry and good luck in my contest.



  • mcrfan322
    October 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    great poem... it really came together well... u did a great job... i cant wait to read more... i hope you win and thanks for entering in my contest


  • catalyst.
    October 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm really sorry about your mother

    At first I was a bit lost but It all came together toward the end. I like puzzles like that how you have to peice them together yourself. The authors not going to do all the work for you.
    Great write


  • ScarsFade
    September 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really love the way this poem starts....to feel this horrible sense of hopelessness...was what i was looking for. I love the way this was structured very original different and waaaay unique....keep on my writing you have a fabulous gift....good luck in my contest....scars.


  • peregrin
    September 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your entry.


  • Topaze gold member
    September 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very sentimental, and a wonderful display of love and affection. Thank you for your fine entry in this contest.


  • Celtic Legend
    September 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    very well done. i'm sorry for you loss.


  • PurpleEmoFoofCheese
    August 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    heartbreaking~ wonderfully written! the rhyming is done very well, and i find it to be very dramatic. You did an excellent job of conveying your pain and the truth behind it. Good luck and thanks for your entry!


  • Childofserenity
    August 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thats amazing you are able to form your emotions and thoughts into words like this. I cant describe death. nor its pains. Very well done i think you should keep spreading this poem for ppl to see. its great. Thank you for sharing.


  • HazardousHeroine
    August 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow, that's very sa, but i liked it. it was different. im about to start crying. good luck in the contes


  • LittleDecoy
    August 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i'm really glad you did decide to post this. it's a great write, and i'm so sorry you lost your mother.=( that can't be something easy to go through at all.
    i loved this, i loved the emotion. it was beautiful.
    thank you so much for entering.
    good luck in my contest. =)


  • Hetha gold member
    August 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    My deepest condolences on the loss of your Mother. I'm sure she would have been proud of you to see this so lovingly written in her honor and memory. This is quite beautiful, deep, profound, but it doesn't leave the sense of hopelessness, thankfully. A beautiful entry you have chosen to grace my contest with and I thank you for it.


  • Lost Vampyre Angel
    July 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is a very deep write,
    i really like this, it shows much deep love,
    at the same time deep pain and darkened love too,
    all my love, best of luck in the contest,
    kitty


  • Loverdoo
    January 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oh wow that was absolutely beautiful!! I will admit when i was reading this, i knew i as reading it completely wrong so i hard to start over about 3 times (its morning lol) i am so happy you put that youtube link on there because i went and watched it and OH! wow that was so touching and so sweet but saddening... i could tell though your voice how painful it was and how much you truly loved her, this is a wonderful poem
    it brought tears to my eyes, i wish more people did that recording of it because then the readers could get the real sense of how something is supposed to be read (im in theater, i believe in using your voice to portray a point lol)this was beautiful thank you so much for entering my contest btw i have to mention this, you have a beautiful voice for voice over work lol

    ~fallen

    • Black JaPanther
      January 28, 2008

      Edit | Reply

      Thank you...

      You are very kind, fallen. Yes, I loved my Mother very much, and will always, all ways be a little broken because she is gone. I viewed your profile, and the piece you posted to go with your screen name made me think you might like a certain song. I just added it to my MySpace page, and invite you to listen to it. My name there is the same as here. God Bless You.

      Sincerely,
      Marvin J.


  • Jocilynn Destroyed
    May 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Wow.......

    I am at a loss for words. This was so amazing and then how you said "for mom" at the end...oh wow....very very very good.
    Good luck
    Joci ♥

  • Jocilynn Destroyed
    May 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Wow.......

    I am at a loss for words. This was so amazing and then how you said "for mom" at the end...oh wow....very very very good.
    Good luck
    Joci ♥

    • Black JaPanther
      May 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You Very Much...

      ...for your kind comment. God Bless You For It. I hope you have a happy week, Fair Miss Joci.

      Sincerely,
      Marvin J.


  • Sinfully Yours
    March 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Please reply

    Did you recieve points? My computer is giving me trouble with sending them to the winner, which is YOU! congratulations! but you have to tell me if you recieved anything! thank you!

    • Black JaPanther
      April 12, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      God Bless You!

      I did finally receive the points. Thank You Again!!
      ^_^
      I really appreciate your kindness. I just want to say again, the points are nice, but the fact that you felt the meaning and feelings in the piece is worth infinitely more to me. Have a great weekend

      Sincerely,
      Marvin J.

  • Sinfully Yours
    March 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    This is really good. Very deep and well detailed. It's hard to tell, but I think it rhymes if its read with the correct tone. I like that, it makes the outline mysterious while the words describe passion. good luck!


  • Etoile Filante
    November 21, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Woah

    Wow, that was so sad, yet peaceful, so beautiiful, yet eternaly emotion I LOVED IT!!! that really was amazing, but as the fact you wort e that for your mum creats the sence of realsim and beauty, Thansk for the entry and sharing it with me
    Moll xxx

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