As showers show the scare of shocking images
how awkward faces avoid this resting agony
resting and wrestling
Shaking and shivering
Tears threatening with tightened throats
Merciless moistening meeting my eyes
coughing curing blood into sacred cups
called memories
Bases break and sureness shrinks
while weeping widows walk their way
through my conscience
and read my will out loud just to make me realize:
you can die on your way to the distanced doors of Death
Author notes
for people who know people who have died too early ..
I KNOW THE ENDING SUCkS!
I have figured why so less people get published these days:
on paper everything looks quite fine, butt when you insert it into your computer (onto your screen) IT SUCKS!
GET REAL! 
.. I've been awake for 16 hours and the Egyptian food is F-ckung (sorry) bad for your digestive system! (ough ,, my tummy hurts!)
~Omichi (oh .. Enjoy! I guess)
OH! I'm going brown this weekend (in stead of blonde)
Written October 29th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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wow! so dark and thought-provoking. I like the overall messsage of the poem. good one!
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woah .. great comment ...the way you made up a lay-out is great, but not my style (my teacher'll notice! She's great at seeing that), but I can change it to what is mine ..
It's midschool .. or .. well! I don't understand the American school-system .. ! But I've had 8 years of primary school and I'm in the 3rd of my Secondary school .. you tell me if it's mid or high school ..
I like the title with which you came up.. I'll change it, I guess..
Thanks for commenting!
~Omichi -
I found this to be extremely well articualted - with that sort of abstract emotional feel. I also feel like maybe the emotions could be easier conveyed if you were to break the staza's into equal parts, but I really like it as is.
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Oh, and one more thing.
Titles..
the one you have is tricky on the tougue and easily misread.
Try simply ... "Distance" -
Well, you didn't say what grade level but I will assume a mid-high school year.
It reads as if the assignment had a list of poetic devices to include. If so, the piece is packed, if not then the piece is over-written for a simpler expectation.
In the art of poetics, devices at their best are so subtle one hardly notices until well into the poem. Or, trickier still, they are kept to a minimum and expanded in imagery and synonym rather than number of different examples.
In other words, par down the similies and metaphors to one or two themes.
If that seems too daunting, simply eliminate the pronouns. They clutter a metaphor.
then break your line at the action or description
Showers show the scare
of shocking images, how
awkward faces avoid this
resting agony, resting and wrestling.
Shaking and shivering, tears threatening
with tightened throats, merciless moistening
meeting my eyes, coughing, curing blood
into sacred cups called memories.
Then, bases break, sureness shrinks
while weeping widows walk their way
through my conscience and read my will
out loud to make me realize:
one can also die on the way
to that distant door, Death.
df
Edited on Oct 29, 2:21 p.m. because ''. -
It doesn't suck, my dear .. without the -s ..
thank you .. =)
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it is nice and it doesn't sucks.., it is good^^
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