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Puddle




Puddle
ripple in fear
planes roar loudly above
carrying  their  elite  cargo
young well trained soldiers going to battle
do you see the coward in me?
could I pull the trigger?
am I that man?
puddle?

 

 

Killing
I used to play
war games with my brother
bombing puddles splashing water
we feigned death and were reborn as heroes
now  it’s  real  and  so  is  the  fear
guns  fire  and  children  die
I hate all this
killing

 

 

Mother
I could never
find the words you needed
but know you are here in my heart
sitting  here  staring  into  my  puddle
this reflective man is shaking
I  wish  I  saw  the  boy
pray for me please
mother



 


Author notes

Written October 29th, 2006

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think

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Comments

1 - 32 of 32

  • Mezclita
    August 21, 2007

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    Very deserving of gold! triple ricta. + a very important message... got goose bumps by the end... don't you wish the leaders would actually listen? sigh~~


  • trista gold member
    August 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, this is wonderful! Congratulations on the Gold trophy ~ I can easily see why this took top honors. I think this is one of those poems that will be timeless, and as appropriate for our world today as it will be 50 years from now. Sadly, war has always been a part of human existence and I don't see that changing. Sometimes it's hard to get a lot of emotion into poetry forms that are so restricting, but you've done a fantastic job. Thank you so much for sharing...

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • Aussie Gypsy gold member
    August 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is just sensational, I had a tear in my eye as I think of all those fighting battles that should never be and those who gave their all, welcome to the finalist list, this is seamless

    Thank you for taking the time to enter this contest, I wish you the best of luck

    Karen


  • deercatcher
    February 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Like the pic. yours, not the puddle. Gotta school marm grim look about you...
    http://allpoetry.com/poem/2569952
    It is a terrible responsibility to be a soldier, being the point of the spear; seing the consequences of two groups trying to force the other to their point of view.


  • Rachael70
    December 12, 2006

    Edit | Reply

    Great Piece

    Wow, this is really deep. I can't think of a better word for it. This is a wonderful piece. Good luck in the contest.

    ~Majestic Poet

    P.S. Sorry my comment was so short!


  • Lionslove silver member
    November 5, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    awesome!

    Jan: you have done a beautiful job, once again - creating a wonderful force inside the bounds of form. There's not much more to be said, as it is flawless in it's theme and content.

    I suppose....just another thankyou for another great piece of art!

    wml.......................................Lionslove


  • W a s p
    November 5, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    The only good thing to come out of the iraq war is this poem.

  • Billig Billie
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I. . . I don't know what to say! This was so, so good. Not only if the subject matter interesting and heartwrenching (and importntly dire at this momet in history), but the emotion is over-flowing and so graceful. I agree with potanical, the form really suits the poem. I'm just. . . WOW! I am flabberghasted by it's beauty. I really can't get over it! The entire 'puddle' theme is amazing. It's somethign not often used in poems, pleasing to say and see, and somethign everyone can recognize in a nonthreatening and child-like way, which you haven't nessesarily 'perverted' but rather bring it into a new age range of identification. Much more interesting than a mirror or reflective metal surface, as though intentionally close to nature, or even calling out to a greater power through nature (I don't know what your religeous beliefs are, so I'll leave that alone). Anyway, obviously I loved it to pieces, I await your poetry with baited breath, auntie.
    Thank you for your tie and talent.


  • annamoy
    October 30, 2006
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    A very thought-provoking read and written in such an interesting form, it suits the content of the poem very well, I think. Well done and good luck.

    Ann


  • Floorboards
    October 30, 2006
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    wow jan, very impressive, it's got a kinda haunting feel to it,
    very impressive my friend,
    alex snoggle fucks ya


  • Tirrell
    October 29, 2006
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    Beautiful Cosmic Fabric:)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    War is never pleasant, it is ugly. Sherman made war terrifying during the American Civil war. So this poem lends a truthful spector of fear that people seldom forget, Nicely done.--Robert


  • Jason Dorn
    October 29, 2006
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    Haunting.

    So this is called a rictameter. I like this form of poem it is very mathmatic and symetric. Very appealing in appearence. The subject was so awesome to me the uncertainty the fear the moral question so many levels of emotion. I couldnt even imagine what it must feel like to be in this situation. Actually I can a bit better now. Great job not only is this wonderful to look at it is very easy to understand great job.


  • leo2
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    On first read I saw it as a conversation between a mother and son who is about to go off to war. As far as that question goes I don't know of anyone can answer it until they are faced with death themselves. Excellent form and content. Good luck in the contest.

    Sincerely,
    Leo Long


  • SeraphicRage
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    stunning

    good write i loved the style, i plan to write one or two in triple rictameter to see if i am any good with it. Good luck in your future writings, and never stop putting ur pen to the pad!!!


  • MotorcycleFreak silver member
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Bravo!

    As a veteran of two wars, I can relate to this poem. I can relate to the feelings of fear and loneliness. I can also relate to the feeling of victory and a mission accomplished. It would be ashamed to not let that happen to the fine young men and women in the current war. To sentence them to dying for their country for nothing, for the sake of politics and a bunch of whining cowards at home. Well written my fellow poet. ~PeacE~GarY~


  • Rayne Maker
    October 29, 2006
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    Wow!! This is the second triple rictameter I have read and I LOVE them. This was an awesome write. It describes the pains of war so truthfully, as I would imagine it to be. Great write. You are talented.


  • ali34
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    i absolutely love this poem. it is a well written poem. i have a friend who is training for war in iraq and will be behind enemy lines soon, so this is a look into his world. it is very touching. thank you so much for sharing.
    ali


  • hoodoolover silver member
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks very much for this entry, all of the entries are so different and beautiful, and this is no exception. Looks like I have my work cut out for me! Thanks once again and best wishes in all,

  • Uriah Hamilton
    October 29, 2006
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    Death, needless death is so sad and tragic. Give me a cliche:Give Peace a Chance. Good work.


  • Random Lily
    October 29, 2006
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    wow...this is really haunting and sad. loss of innocence is always a great poetic subject. my only qualm is with the last line in the first ricatmeter...i'm not quite sure why there's a question mark there, or what the word puddle had to do with the questions above it. could you explain that to me? otherwise, awesome poem.


  • jasminerose
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Beautifully written!
    Rictameter alone is difficult but to write a triple...excellent write!
    Your imagery is delightful, youth, innocence, then reality.. excellent job!
    Glad I clicked!
    Jasminerose


  • eriedragon
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Mother
    I could never
    Find the words you needed.....

    captivating,moving,plucks at my heart strings!


  • October 29, 2006
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    Excellent

    Wow.. a triple richtameter! I'm still having difficulty doing a single richtameter, lol. This is beautifully written and best of luck to you in the contest, Jan

    Cheers
    Terry

  • opalwaterdragon
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    good!

    Sad and quite moving. I like it!


  • pixxiepoetess
    October 29, 2006
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    Fabulous!! Rictameter is not an easy beast to tame, and you have done it here three times over! Wow. It's a very powerful piece. Best of luck in the contest. --->pixxie<---


  • Cupcrazy gold member
    October 29, 2006
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    This is a truly wonderful write, the form is impeccable and the flow and thoughts are deep and captivating. Excellent work from start to finish! Bunny

  • Northern Downpour
    October 29, 2006
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    Woah, that was awesome! I just was amazed with the depth in the poem. Good job!


  • Silent Cougar Moderators member
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    GREAT WRITE

    well what can one say, but sheer brilliance personified. I really felt where you were coming from in this one, honestly.
    fantastic vision of the thoughts of a hero ?
    GREAT WRITE.
    ~ Mike H


  • grannyeri gold member
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Loved that last verse too - so deep and reflective, makes one think back to their childhood, their mother and how things used to be.


  • skyviewexpress
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Magnificent poem... I loved how you refured to a puddle in the poem and the picture deserves to get credit to! so AWSOME pic, depicted the story perfectly! I loved the format to, never really been a fan of it, but you changed my mind! my favorite lines are...

    We feigned death and were reborn as heroes

    I love how it was refuring to the kids and I loved the "reborn as heroes, gave it a nice touch. I also really liked the line,

    This reflective man is shaking
    I wish I saw the boy

    Although it was really sad, to see something so strong on the verge of breaking. but unfortunately every one has there breaking points! the part" I wish i saw the boy" is what really got to me! It really made me feel sad for that guy, and showed his anxiety and fear. well awsome words to desrribe and awsome poem!

    ~NATASHA~


  • capricornpoet
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    ripples of our lives

    Deep reflective poetry, of youth and what life brings,
    fate is what brings us along..your words were of such sadness.
    I loved the depth of this poetry..it is truly inspiring and unique..

    Mother
    I could never
    Find the words you needed
    As I sit here staring into
    My puddle, know that you are in my heart
    This reflective man is shaking
    I wish I saw the boy
    Pray for me please
    Mother


  • individuality gold member
    October 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    a good piece, i did enter this contest but decided to remove my poem for a personal reason. well i didn't count the syllables lol but it looks okay to me i wish that you have good luck in the contest you have entered. spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...

1 - 32 of 32