We all piled out of the pub
Pissed as a load of newts;
'Where to now boys?'
Bellowed naughty Niall O 'Neill
(that's notorious nineteen pints a night Niall)
As he tottered over to his Pa's Rolls Royce.
'Do ye think ye should be driving
With that record-breakin' skinful
I just seen you put away?'
Enquired serious Sean slurringly
From his slightly inconvenient
Viewpoint in the beery gutter.
So we all clambered gaily into the car
And roared off into the enchanted night
And then this bloody stupid clodhopper
Who didn't even have his driving licence yet
Came round the next corner in his Ford
And got sent to Kingdom-sodding-Come.
'Oh shit, would ye just look at the mess
The oul' fella's made of me Daddy's car,
And it's his pride and joy so it is!'
Cried Niall O'Neill in incandescent rage,
As he surveyed the largest insurance claim
In the County Wicklow for twenty years.
How fortunate Father Tucker and Garda Sergeant O'Toole
Could both testify from their vantage point
In the front seat of the devastated Roller,
The accident was not Niall's fault at all, at all,
As the other stupid sober bugger was on
The wrong side of the goddam street.
Author notes
[For those unfamiliar with the cops in Holy Mother Ireland, they are called the Gardai, not the police]
Written on 28th October, 2006, spellings corrected when sober, three days later.
In a list
A contest entry
- Black Comedy by Erik Ambrose.
400 points, ended September 1, 2007, 2 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 63 of 63
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Entertaining and darkly humorous indeed. I did enjoy the sense of irony and characterization in particular. Thanks for sharing
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Dear Sweet Pete,
What was all the fuss about? Do people not recognise humour when they see it? Me, I thought it was rather funny and a bloody good read.
Yours, Gabriel -
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Dear Mr Hound,
The problem is that some people do not understand irony. Or, put it another way, they can't hold their liquor the way we paddies can.
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well written
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wonderfully written love the part....So we all clambered gaily into the car
And roared off into the enchanted night
And then this bloody stupid clodhopper
Who didn't even have his driving licence yet
Came round the next corner in his Ford
And got sent to Kingdom-sodding-Come.
reminds me of the good ole' days...thanks for memory lane...
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Superb Plus
Ah, 'tis a fine write, me lad. Reminds me somewhat of my poem "Delirium Tremens". Here's a link, if you would care to read it:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2865562 -
The accident was not Niall's fault at all, at all,
As the other stupid sober bugger was on
The wrong side of the goddam street
hee hee this gave me a chuckle well I really just laughed out loud
thanks for the smile tonight
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I'm hungry
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awesome piece
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I have often hovered near a car crash and then descended upon the freshly dead victims to drink their blood.
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What's All The Fuss 'Bout?
I have 0 tolerance for drunk driving also, but I have to say I do have a sense of humor, and I absolutely love this! Great setting, I love your use of words throughout this piece...I felt as if I were watching a comedy, superb job on visual/audio effects
. Really, have you ever thought of writing a book?, with this talent I think you could do it. This actually reminds me of an intro to a book. Well done, poet, thanks for the laugh.
Sincerely,
sassy
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Interesting but not really my cup of tea.
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It's not about tea.
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I have commented on this one before
I didnt want you to lose points so I will leave a note -
haha how cool yesss i tlike this its funnny and yeah
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Made me smile. I loved the accent. Sounds like you may have annoyed a few people with this one. (Not that that's a terrible thing)
Great job, keep writing!
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Bejasus. I'd be thanking you for the gold cup; I can see the reflection of me crippled sister in it.
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Funny
Lol
oh man
I found this hysterical
I loved the accent in it to
awesomely irish
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Made me smile as the humor in Wexford is the same as here in Sligo
Gardai here have been known to arrest a tractor in charge of a farmer....or a quad without it's owner Either way, brightens up the "softest" of days 
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excuse me while I say this
lol
Well done, for a pre-written poem. -
It looks as if you may have pissed a few people off...I felt as if I were there, even perhaps a bit tipsy...People drive drunk everyday...while it sucks it is a part of reality, Watch the news sometime. A person after drinking gets stupid...Poetry is sometimes about the times in your life that we have done stupid things. I have done things I regret, I have yet found the balls to base a poem on them, While I'm sure everyone would love reading my regrets I am not quite ready to share...I read this and took it for what it was, you sharing a part of your life... I LIKED IT...THANKS FOR SHARING!!!
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A drunk driver recently plowed into a church on a sunday morning just as people were leaving, everyone was killed, 23 good Christians. It is a tragedy that church attendances are so low these days.
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I think you will find the correct spelling is "ploughed", even in Newcastle-upon-Tyne.
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well it seems you my poet friend have created alot of controversy with this write..I find a great deal of interest in that fact alone..but isn't that what poetry should do? ..If your goal was to provide us with something to ponder..you certainly have given us that...I like the write very much ..I found humor in parts of it and viewed it as more of a story write than fact at all..
I do sympathize with each of the commenter's who have suffered a loss or who have had anyone effected by ignorance of a drunk driver..I have to be honest I have been ignorant of such things myself..caught up in a few of my own drunken nights..enough said..
Excellent write..
Peace
~A~
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Superb
I love this. Poking fun at drinking and driving. What a shameful way to stick 2 fingers up. There are those out there who will see this as too serious a subject to find humour in it, but not I. We've all done it at some time. Great write, and loved the descriptive prose. Well done
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Usually the ones that are drunk are so carefree that they do not have time to react and just go wi th the flow. Those who are sober sometimes are so tight and clenched that all breaks and they are seriously injured or die at the scene. No one should drive while drunk. Their reaction times deteriorate and they can cause serious consequences tp themselves, their passengers and others in other vehicles or on the road or sidewalk. Easy to read and understand this poem.
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Sometimes Fainess doesnt enter the picture
We were sober and the opposite happened to me yet I was on the right side of the road until he hit us head on. I have never been able to have any children of my own because of this. I wonder sometime if the one that hit us does and how he is bringing those children up. I often wonder I I could have had children what it would have been like to see their morning smiles and their first words being Mommy
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If this was a true account of what happened , I assume it was by your comments.
I would recommend you go to therphy for your drinking problem .
I really dont find humor in drunk driving because i have a stepson who cant move nothing but his head because of the stupidty of doing that!
Hes parilized from the neck down.
Before you feature a poem i would recommend you think about other peoples feelings or is this really something i want to announce to the world .
That i drink and drive !
it really didnt caught my interest at all except make me feel sorry for you , and the people on the roads with you.
Well i will check out your other work so i wont misjudge you by one poem . -
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So glad you realised the poem was satire and humour. I would really have hated it if you had thought it was serious.
Whilst naturally sympathising with anyone injured on the roads, I would point out that the vast majority of accidents are caused by BAD driving by sober motorists, not by drunken drivers. There is a rather silly tendency to try and blame alcohol for all road deaths. Insufficient care and attention and sheer stupidity are the main causes of road accidents. -
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well as you can understand i hope you relize looking at my stepson is no pinic in the park .
humor can be great and belive me i have some .just not on this subject !
Answer this was it somewhat true , do you drink and drive?
See giving you the chance to tell me about yourself cause i dont judge people only their poetry lol -
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No, I never drive when drunk. Simply because it is a stupid thing to do. Also (in Britain at least) there are random breath tests and there is no point in taking a risk of being caught.
But the point remains: most road accidents are caused by bad driving (excessive speed on inappropriate roads, not looking in rear mirrors, ignoring mud/ice etc on the road, overtaking carelessly, driving too close to cars in front, falling asleep at the wheel, using a mobile phone while driving etc. etc.). -
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Glad to hear you dont drink and drive ..you dont lie do you lmbo!
see i have a sence of humor!lol
its very true accidents happen but they are accidents . drunk driving is sort of intentional.
well you sure will get alot of replys to this thats for sure.
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Wow
Three days to sober up 
Must have been a bloody good night, huh I enjoyed this one, but I'd suggest that walking (staggering) home may be a far safer option 
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Comment suggestion: first impression
I have read and re-read your piece.
My first impression was- I don't really get it.
I wondered about the "bloody stupid clodhopper"
who didn't have a license yet- too young? So kingdom-come means he died?
I guess this speaks of the selfish, self-centered actions of excessive alcohol. The car was the concern.
I felt a little rhythm in the lines:
'Do ye think ye should be driving
With that record-breakin' skinful
I just seen you put away?'
Overall, I just didn't get it.
qt -
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You didn't get it? Oh dear. The point was that the stupid unqualified driver was the cause of the accident.
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This is an awesome poem. It was really funny in some parts. LOL But I enjoyed the story and the read.
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Dear poet,I apologize,I only recalled reading this and commenting on it before after clicking in the feature box,it was quite a while ago in my defence lol but will refund the points to you so that you may canvas another opinion.
I recall the write being longer,it seems as if parts are missing,but re the accident being caused by the sober driver a friend recently said if 20% of deaths are caused by drunken drivers does that not confirm that 80% are caused by those that are sober?
I do believe you used alliteration well and compounded the characters nationalties effectively,oh my the Irish love a drink and a joke,which I believe they may call "having a craic" and this write prompted memories of dear Irish friends who had much merriment within their devilment and they would have laughed along with me upon reading this.
Btw that was some hangover,3 days to sober up,the only suggestion I may offer is take more water with whatever you drink
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No, the phrase is not "having a craic". You can "share the craic" which means having a good gossip. Or you can "have a crap", which is different.
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Luck o' the Irish???
Funny in places, the names and the ever omnipotent viewpoint from the gutter. The story within the poem had no point, but I believe that WAS the point. Drunk driving fatalities seldom do. The rich boy with the Gardai in the car was an eloquent touch. Even in Ireland, it's not what you know, it's WHO you know. Weird, but original.
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But the story DOES have a point: it is to state that careful drunken driving is less dangerous than careless sober driving.
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Center justification took something away from this story but I still liked it. Okay so it didn't take anything away but stories should be aligned to the left.
Desiree
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I tried it as straight prose; I tried it left aligned; believe me, Dez, it works best centred. If it works at all that is.
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humpalicious.
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fatbelliocious.
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This looks like an ordinary poem but actually disguises a really effective delivery to a socially conscious message of drink driving. But the subtext of rich versus poor is what makes this such an interesting piece. Its been done in a way that you think you are reading about a few piss heads in a bingle. What one is really reading is a scathing indictment on the legal system, social inequality and a rule for one and a side swipe at the Church and Police for good measure. I liked this a lot.
David
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You are correct in that the content of the poem has a message about the corruption of society in Holy Mother Ireland. It is also a serious warning not to drive on the wrong side of the road after sunset.
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Okay.
Definitely not my cup o' tea, but not bad for what it was. I like the point made, though, so kudos on that.
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A bit mealy-mouthed, that comment.
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What did you say to me? You want some more, do you?
This is everything I held back saying before. You wanted it, you got it.
I didn't like your poem, but I gave you the courtesy of sparing you harsh criticism, because I couldn't find any constructive criticism to give you. No amount of work would be able to salvage this, regardless of how great I am at giving in depth and insightful comments. I still gave you applause, because I couldn't find any good points to compliment you on, either, and wanted to give you SOMEthing, as I'd clicked on your featured poem. I didn't have to leave you any comment at all, and I didn't have to give you any applause, but decided to give you a break and leave you a comment AND applause. A bit of looking a gifthorse in the mouth, that reply of yours. I'll be sure to remove my comment. In the meantime, since you must really want it, lemme go ahead and break down your poem for you, exactly as how I perceive it, so that you can understand why I might think it a travesty; and yes, I think it is a travesty, and that is me being "gentle", with double quotes, because believe me, I could've been SO much harsher after how much you just pissed me off for complaining because the comment I left wasn't long enough, despite the fact that I gave you applause and didn't have to comment at all...
1.) There was no point, emotional or intellectual. Remember how I said I liked the point? I lied. There was so little going for this poem that I had nothing to exaggerate or in any other way stretch to the point of a compliment, so I politely told you that it wasn't my cup of tea, but that it had a good point. The only good I got out of it was the last bit about the car accident because I got to imagine the writer of this poem being punished for writing such an awful thing I'd read, but felt obligated to continue reading so that I could try to say something good about it, cuz you did spend your points to feature it. A.) You didn't give us any emotional attachment to the characters. B.) There was no character progression. C.) There was no conveyance of personal emotion for us to relate to. D.) There was no political thought. E.) There was no social commentary. F.) There was no conveyance of a complex or contradictory concept. This was a laundry-list of events with no conveyance of emotion or thought. There was no point.
2.) It was too long. If you were writing with a point and you needed room for clarification of detail in emotion or thought, I wouldn't mind as much. If the speech patterns were consistent as a narration, and you wrote on an interesting subject, then I wouldn't have minded as much. If you wrote with great imagery, flow, or rhythm, I wouldn't have minded as much. As it is, it appears as a tedious self-indulgence for your whims, in wanting to write at length in a dialect of a language foreign to you, and though I hated the thing, I STILL read the whole thing. MULTIPLE times. Searching at length for ANY reason to compliment you... Moving on...
3.) The spelling and the punctuation... My God, the punctuation... In a poem, either go all out or abstain completely, because anything in between appears as an attempt made by the ignorant. Double quotes for quotations of speech and literature in context, single quotes for referencing terminology as 'so called'. "Slurringly" is not a word. Would you say 'walkingly'? Slur can be used as a verb or a noun, but slur does not become an adjective when you use the present tense (-ing) in conjunction with '-ly'. Happily for you, 'slurring' would fit, but only with a change of capitalization, although there are many capitalization errors. There is an 'n' at the end of damn.
4.) The structure was terrible. You didn't use the typical free-verse style for this pointless story masquerading as poem, which could be viewed as an excerpt for how relevant it is to anything, but you didn't stick to any formal structure, either; nor did you create a specific one yourself, utilizing rhythm, alliterative flow, and/ or patterns of syllabic emphasis to create any form worthwhile. Five sets of six lines do not make a structure, and a story in five sets of six lines does not make a poem.
5.) Rhythm. There was none. No alternating syllabic emphasis indicated, no pattern of syllabic emphasis as pertaining to any sort of structure whatsoever. There was no beautiful music playing a certain rhythm in the background of my mind as I read it, nor even a child playing a kazoo. Nothing. There was no rhythm, and it is important to have SOMEthing to keep the reader reading, even if they're not interesting in your topic and hate your imagery, you know, if it were a poem. Imagery can do this by itself, but it has to be strategically placed to draw the eyes forward, use interesting topics or humor or any sort of meaningful thought to keep the mind interested enough to push on, or use rhythm to keep the inner monologue going, if nothing else.
6.) Flow. There was none. No rhythm, no alliteration, no syllabic patterns, no structure with strategically placed imagery. None. No flow. I find it incredibly difficult to keep going no matter where I start at in the poem.
7.) Imagery? None. An important literary tool is using words that have common emotional or psychological associations for everyone, in order to bring us closer to your view of the subject at hand. It's not necessary in every poem, as sometimes you don't want people to understand, you want them to interpret the metaphor(s) of the POEM differently for their specific life circumstances, to make it more relatable if the subject were too obscure for them. Your STORY was too specific. It alienates people right at the beginning, and does nothing to draw them back. It pushes most people away, and keeps them away, way the hell away from reading this again, and a lot of people DO like to reread poems they've read and enjoyed. This one needed a good amount of detail in the environment, in character, in emotion, in thought, ANYthing to draw us in. Nothing.
8.) It lacked anything interesting. No humor. It was mentioned earlier as a factor contributing to another major point, but is such a huge hole in this that it deserves a numerical place in the hierarchy of errors.
9.) Vocabulary. You made an attempt, but only another halfassed one, as it were, in that it was inconsistent in the terminology used. "Father" and "pa", using "ye" and not similarly changing the vocabulary to accurately reflect the verbal qualities it undertakes, as with downplaying the harder syllables like the 't' sounds, and altering the pitches of the 'ay' sounds to reflect the voice inflections used so prominently as to make them 'eye' sounds...
That was gentle. Brutally honest doesn't even enter in to the equation, on this one. You know what? I'm just gonna leave my original comment there, after all, so that anyone that doesn't see why I didn't just keep my mouth closed cuz I had nothing nice to say can see that you brought it on yourself. You get the point. I'm done.
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Oh, being from Northern Ireland I can just picture the scene. Stinks of collusion !!!! . I was not expecting that ending. Wonderful piece of writing you have here my friend. Keep up the great work.
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You certainly are able to imbue realism within your characterization and the humour woven within the serious outcome was tongue in cheek and adorable,loved the guy in the kerb who had an opinion from literally another view point and adored your usage of describing the evening as enchanting until the crash,I have known a few Irish friends and tis true,they will drink to anything just for the crack and come what may they will drink to get over it.I lost touch with a dear Irish girl,Sue,she was a chosen sister and sad that geography and time have me missing her for she was like a breath of fresh air,we laughed from the epicenter of the belly together,dear poet you remind me of the irrepressible Dave Allen,I used to love his sense of humour and his ability to not so much as be nasty but a revelation and he laughed within it as well as at it,end of rambling
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Personally, then, Mine's a Guinness. Mind you, second hand, I'm told there's a chance of a Guinness. Drinking hasn't affected me at all at all at all. Except for my memory. Hello, my name is Guinness, and I'm a um er (what am I? er or do I do, I mean, WHAT) oh bugger.
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Absolutely love this, the imagery is spot on, I can see this happening in my minds eye. I bet it was you that wrote Seven Drunken Nights.Well done, it's a cracker!!!Val.
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A fellow Dubliners fan? I once met some of the Dubliners in a bar off Grafton Street. They were legless. Sadly they are now 40% dead.
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T'is a larf, to be sure!
Thank you for your entry. Reading it in a broad Irish accent lent the piece a grand sense of the ridiculous, which is what this contest is all about!
You have some good alliteration with 'naughty Niall O 'Neill' and 'serious Sean slurringly' ~ and I love the image of: 'From his slightly inconvenient
Viewpoint in the beery gutter.' Very funny!
A little heavy with profanities, perhaps, which I feel takes away slightly from the overall quality, but since drink and Irishmen are involved, I guess it fits!
(No offence to Irishmen intended).
Anyway, thank you and best of luck.
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the reality is funnier
i work in a morgue and the rate of drink drive victims we get is staggering. a good party hat can cover up a lot of the damage and i thank god for party hats. it is no fun playing strip poker having to look at bashed in heads i can tell you.
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Not so sure having cops in the car when your driving drunk could really be called a glitch...
Probably was for the other guy though...
Of course totalling your dads roller is probably not the best thing to happen either.
A good read, entertaining all the way through
Thanks for sharing this. Good luck
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Top Banana
Aye we'll have some of that and all. Its timeless...its solid gold, 'specially the copper and the father, its black comedy with social satire. Typical Ford driver, if he knew anything he'd know that Irish transport doesn't work when fueled with petrol, must be fueled with Guinness, alas the fundamental mistake and it seems his Irish eyes aren't smilin' =p.
Very nice indeed,
Ravenscroft. -
My goodness I never thought drunk driver can be written like this. You have show me the suprise I really enjoyed this piece of art right here. Very funny. Thank you for letting me read this poem and thank you for enter the contest. Good luck.
Wish you the best
Snow
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twisted
this was twisted funny. a reverse of the usual outcome of drunken driving. good luck in the contest -
Very humurous piece, enjoyed this veru much. Loved the flow and the form. great work, keep your pen forever flowing!
Bunny
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funny
lmao this was good it's for sure a mixture of emotions but all in all it's funny! Thank you for sharing and the best of luck to you in the contest!
Kari -
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