Like a camouflaged soldier hidden in the bush,
I blended in, triumphantly invisible from all.
So much of what had been said, with absolute
intent, was now disguised as pain, or a snake.
She said people loved her, like a cool stream over
pebbles, a single flower in a cracked city sidewalk.
Beauty, it seems, is found everywhere. She never
saw the hissing tongue of a viper when she looked
at her favorite image in the mirror, only a pretty face,
dark eyeliner and perfect dress, for Tuesday. Women,
it seemed, looked in her radiant green eyes to see
a woman without conscience. Men saw something
else altogether; one look, attraction was complete.
Sex was violence of the heart; the body cracked like
a dry bone. Conversation was diaphanous, often
venomous. She lit up like a neon sky for all to see.
Author notes
Written October 26th, 2006
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Wow. Hang on, I'm just going to read this again.
Okay, yes, I really like it. I have an urge to bury myself in this. It's so thought evoking and original. Hmm, that sounds like a bit of a cliche - but it really is.
I'm glad that you kept the lines of this poem long rather that short and abrupt because it really suits the theme. It makes the poem feel more concise, more concentrated and exudes a feeling of control. Not sure if you structured the poem like this on purpose, well done if you did.
A great write. Thanks for entering and good luck.
xAx -
Describing the eyes put a lovely touch to the poem...And the mirror don't lie either...
Good piece...thks for sharing.. -
a single flower in a cracked city sidewalk
That Is Such A Beautiful Image. Your Words Stand Out So Brightly.
She lit up like a neon sky for all to see.
Wow.That's Amazing. I Wish You Really Good Luck, Great Poem
-greysen.
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Billy joel's She is always a woman to me.
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Good work, my dear. Almost venomous - have any antivenom??
I know a few too.. -
I don't think it percieves very deeply, but for that it's very interesting.
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Truth
I've been about for a while and I have met a few like her, I have seen her male counterpart operate too. Now, their preening and self esteme is laughable, but I suffered in my youth. Thank you for striking revenge. jono -
Intense
This is a very good write with an amazing imagery.
It flows nicely and your imagery is perfrect.
It is an enjoyable read. I hope to read more of your poems. -
There is something about this piece that simply draws one to it. It is undescribable for me, I did really like the wording, and you have done a good job provoking thought amongst your readers.
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You have, in sixteen lines' span, completely brought forth the image of a true narcissist. I could just imagine this being my stepmother (although she doesn't have green eyes) as her self-important personality makes this poem fit her description to a tee. Too often people like this end up putting ego before everything else--and sometimes it takes a trauma for them to get grounded and see that looks really don't mean everything.
I love your imagery, especially in relation to the hidden viper. Conceit is a little prick who, if allowed to run amok, can ruin everything. Well done.
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
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Not what I expected when I clicked. (not a bad thing) I thought it well written and full of amazing imagery. Good write.
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powerful and intense
Excellent, dramatic, powerful though short with plenty of substance and real depth.....Do you write books? -
I agree with masterblaster, I have known quite a few like that in my life. Really good poem, truly it was skillfully written.
Blessed be,
LeFay -
very good
very powerful
view of a vile character trait
i like the way
you made it seem like the worold was hers for the asking
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Superb/Fun/Intriguing/Unique
An excellant write indeed. Great imagery -
Hi, I've known a few in my life like that, but also men with the same charm,lol, very nice poem my friend, all the best, Di
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Superb write
Holy what an incredibly powerful read this one is. Full of intense imamgary. A truly amazing poem in all resepects. Love, hugs and sunny smiles. Marilyn -
Abdul Tawala Ibn Ali Alishtari
Your poem emulates forms
turning upon itself rife
like snakes and worms
twisting slithering through life.
Abdul Tawala Ibn Ali Alishtari -
Sometimes, the best work leaves little to write about. This is that situation for me. I could gush and analyse, but why? The piece speaks for itself.All I can say is this is my favorite thing I've ever read by you. Later bro.
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wow the imagery kinda blew my mind, you made it flow so well and still keep pace with what you wanted to say. it kinda threw me a lil at first but it came into view nice work
sparrow -
very very nice...so was the chic a prostitute? thats what i was getting...though it is the morning and i just woke up...but i truly enjoyed reading this...thanks for posting and good luck in the contest!
miranda -
WHOA! What words of powerful conjection...Your imagery is well visable here.. Also the title is fittng as is the background selection! There is a sight hint of pleasure with more so of sadness!Although it captures one attention and holds itther until then, therefore a Great write! I wish you well..
Bless
Iculookn -
this was definitely a different path from most writes.. i even went back to re-read i enjoyed it that much!...peace and harmony...desi
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i like the fact here that you are not starting new lines when you uses fullstops and start anew, i got some right stick for doing similar in another site in my poem as strong as perfume in its final verse. (it's not posted here at the moment) mind you that site was mad, someone went into one of my sonnets and suggested a rewite which they then did in their own way and their piece ended up with 15 lines and looked insane anyway, yes i like that aspect here. good use of language here and presentation. spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...
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Thank you so much for reading and commenting on my poem. Always enjoy such positive feedback. Thanks again. mj=)
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wow... so powerful...and yet strangly....i want to sy simple but that doesnt deel quite rite....
i love the image of the snake - i think it added to the power...
well done... keep on...
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