His heart was an ever blazing fire, an undying flame,
But to her it was nothing more important than a game;
He would have given his life for her, going to the very end,
But to her it would be suicide to even consider him a friend;
Her bewitching charm captured his heart in a flash,
But little did he know that she planned to throw it in the trash;
From the moment that their eyes met, the kindle was lit
And little did he know that his heart would soon be split;
He was carried away by the love he thought to be true;
Her love being the disease upon his soul, the flu;
Oh if only he knew how she covered his perception;
If he only could see through her lies and deception;
A blanket of fog covers his vision, his emotional state of mind;
Her fingers have dug a deep crevice into his heart, uncaring, unkind;
And then – one day she is gone. Disappeared into the winds of time,
And is there punishment for killing the soul, the heart, for this crime?
This is just one tragic story of the many that have been told;
How can one recover when their heart is thrown out into the cold?
Author notes
This is written for the Poetic Challenge Season 2, Assignment 1. The assignment was to write a metaphorical love poem between 15 and 20 lines. This is 18 lines long. I used a variety of metaphors throughout the poem (several in each stanza) all with a sort of different theme coming together.
I would like to say that this isn't person, but that would be a lie. When I first joined AP a little over a year ago, I met this girl who we "fell in love". We talked on the phone a lot, wrote poems for each other, etc. Ends up that every thing she told me... her life story, who she was, how old she was, where she lived... everything was just a lie. She is now dead in my mind and heart, but the memory is still carried with me. I'm sure many others can relate in some way or another.
Thanks for taking the time to read this piece. I appreciate it, as always.
Written October 25th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- The Trouble With Love by OnlyInMyDreams.
300 points, ended November 12, 2006, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love's Death by Asylaarix.
450 points, ended November 28, 2006, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - STAFF ONLY CONTEST by Kari.
450 points, ended December 17, 2006, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - #86 Write me something sad ~ prompted by Frodofan by Andantino.
650 points, ended December 16, 2006, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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Stop writing about me. This...was once me. Anyways, I just really had to comment it for the simple reason that I am glad I am not that anymore.
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Hoodwink!!!
It is easy to see why this one won a gold trophy! It is a winner through and through! Well crafted and wonderful use of metaphor... nice flow! Love it!
Frogz~
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Wow, you used brilliant metaphors, your creativity signs through flawlessly! Very, very good poem here, it was more than pleasing, it's fantastic... Happy Valentines, and Happy Hood-Winking!
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Such a sad write so full of emotion and pain. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I actually met my husband on line in a chat room. So don't give up it will happen when the time is right. Excellent flow and content.
Good luck in the contest
By the way you have just been Hood-Winked
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This piece left me speechless...you did a great job here. The best of luck to you in the contest
Kari -
I absolutely love this write ... you really put some feelings into this piece ... and to know your story behind it ... makes it even more precious ... you did a very good job ... good luck in the contest babe ...
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Tim i loved this, you always seem to write beautiful poems. and the way you make them rhymn is fantastic. Great great job and i wish you the best of luck in the contest.
XOXO and God Bless
kara -
Oops... didn't know I couldn't tell. Oh well, if you read last season's finale you'd have known that anyways.
Oh, and hey! I'd be more than happy to fill out those questions for your Spotlight column. I'll try and do so either tomorrow or the following day. Thank you.
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I thought we weren't suppose to know the judges
I appreciate your feedback and it definately helps. Just so you know, I don't try to do simpler rhymes. I write one line and then look up what words rhyme with the last word in the sentence and it just works out that way. But I will keep your advice in mind for my future writings. Thanks man
--Tim -
Congrats on making the cast, Tim. As a judge, I will offer you this piece of constructive criticism. Rhyme can become very monotonous or predictable, but that is what you do. Since you are a rhymer, and I'd actually prefer to see you stick to what you do, I will offer you this tip. Try and rhyme with words that are unique. Try and stray away from simple rhymes. Also, I'd suggest that you maybe try some unique rhyme schemes and test out your skill and beat. I believe that you can be a real wower if you stay with your rhyme, but grow in it.
Onto this piece, while there were a few parts that bumped in beat, I still enjoyed your message. I found it a pleasant write, and I wish you well in the judgement to come.
Justin -
Tim,
Like you, I know the feelings of which you speak in this wonderful piece you have penned. I think you did a fantastic job with the metapors and all!!!!!!!!
Nyetta -
Nicely done
This side of love is one that can't be denied. The emotion of hurt and abondonment by love comes though well. Very nice. -
Tim,
This piece speaks volumes!! I am impressed at your emotion display throughout the words! Nicely done... deception always plays a role in relationships.. unfortunately once it is inroduced between lovers or friends.. the relationship will never be the same even if it does survive! Well written!
always,
Mel
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Well done
Wow...great write but sad storyline within.
You have great rhyme and flow here.
Well done indeed.
I wish you better luck in love next time...perhaps someone who lives nearby??
Blessings! Tammy -
a strong contender!
Although I found the lines a little long, which hampered the "tightness" of this piece somewhat for me, I, as the others have spoken, and you yourself, see the creative use of metaphors, alliteration, flow and thematic continuity.
I found the ending to be quite good - posing a direct question..as a double-play on the whole theme: we must enter in to all things with discretion, patience and examining eyes to differentiate between truth and deception.
Well done, Tim! This is a very strong and well-written piece overall and still resides as a contender in my opinion.
Best of luck and blessings in/for the contest!
................................Lionslove
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A beautiful write Tim but so sad
. Poeple need to learn that playing with someone's affections can be very soul destroying. You have written this really well, the message I got was one of sadness at deception and heartbreak and you rightly question whether the heart ever mends. It does but a ssmall piece remanins broken. Best to you in this contest
Gaylene
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this is absolutely amazing and just feels straight from my heart I can relate to this situation myself and the metaphors just add fire to the already blazing hearts desires great work sharcu I hope those who comment and did the same to someone will realise what a great piece of pain you have posted here...
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I loved it. I like how you got it to rhyme. Very good. Keep up the writing!
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outstanding...
This is charged with emotion and you created some stunning imagery... the metaphors you've used are clever on the mind, and fits well with the subject...an excellent flow of rhyme and gentle alliteration
you mention that this wasn't a personal matter when you penned it but I think because you've experienced something like this, as you've explaind in your notes, I can see how the words would flow easily through your pen...
A striking poem and very well executed, it touched me as I read because quite often beauty can turn into a dark corner of hell...this piece emotes sadness but has a message of deceipt and innocence...I enjoyed it thoroughly, thank you.
Love and smiles
~sis
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Am sure many can relate to this kind of deception; maybe we have even been on the other side, dishing it out. Sentiments well expressed, easy to read and understand what you are saying.
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You know I can relate to this. You know about what I'm going through so, this poem actually means a lot to me because I know
how it feels to have your heart broken. Great poem, Babe. I love it.
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Tim, you have penned a masterpiece here. One that sadly can ring of much truth in the lives of many. I am so honored to have gotten the opportunity to read this write. Your talent is remarkable to say the least.
Hugs, Suzi -
This really great!!! I love the rhyme and rhythm too, it a little similar to the way I use rhyme in my poetry and a poem that tells a story I like that in poetry. Very well written!!!
Love & Light
Twinstar
Edited on Oct 27, 7:12 p.m. because ''. -
The truth will set us free...
I love this poem - and you speak the hard, cold truth, Sharcu! You are a powerful writer!! -
Hi Tim. A sad lament on false love. Very good imagery, flow, rhyme and tone. Deep expression of emotion. Very nice descriptives and word choice. Nice alliteration and metaphor. Well done. Shelley
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This is just amazing Tim. I'm not sure what to say besides this has left me in a state of depression. Beautiful. Keep up the killer work, take care, and keep on writing!
~ImmortalUndead~ -
Actually, honestly I didn't really write these off of my personal experience. After I was finished writing and editing, I realized that I could relate to it. But when I originally wrote it, I wasn't writing off of anything personal. Just trying to write a metaphorical love poem. And how I came up with this theme is rhyming the first and second line - flame and game. And after that it all fell into placed.
Just thought I'd explain that. Thanks for commenting
--Tim -
Wonderful expression of your betrayal. It's painful to realize we've been suckered, especially when you are beginning to feel something deeply for another person. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but sadly, it seems to be a part of life.
You wrote this piece from inside yourself, inside your broken heart, and those emotions shine in your lines. You've shared a part of yourself that suffered and was damaged. I personally think the best poetry from our own experiences. So, I thank you for sharing and inviting us into your life. Beautifully sad write. Well done!
~Lori -
a 24 yr love of mine ended in lies and deceit...I was a victim of the twice bitten and it took years before I could trust again.
My lovely wife went through much of the same and we both had our guards up...the truth will set you free, free to be the best of both as one.
Not a big fan of rhyme, but this was really good and very thought provoking.
best wishes
peace Muddy -
True, this is really heart felt and sad too. It's very touching.
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this is very heart felt. i have been through pretty much the same things. i mean yea i have my problems but my ex was worse off than i was and still am a little but i am doing better by writting on ap
-sharon
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In the 3rd stanza, last line, you wrote "If only he could see through his lies and deception." I think you meant her.
I really like the last two lines. -
This was a very interesting write, thank you for sharing it and keep up the great work!
God bless!
Annie
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It's so difficult to know a person when they are right in front of you let alone over the phone or the Internet. It's easy to fall in love with a beautiful picture painted in one's mind. I'm sorry this is a personal account for you, but it is beautifully written. You have mastered rhyme. Great piece, Tim. Hugs, Patricia
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I have had other accounts on this site but they were purely to wear a disguise so that I could write out of the box. Relationships are very important to me. To deceive in this way is hateful. I am sure, because of karma, someday she will meet her match and stop the foolish games. This is a very emotional writ. It is good that you were able to pen these feelings. I do hope you have moved on. Life is too precious for us to waste it away weaving vicious webs of lies. Excellent poetry my friend.
Blessings & Love ♥
Renee
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It's an extremely long story. She actually had over 5 identities on this site at the same time - different story, different name... she did the same thing to several others as she did to me. And I'm sure she's still on the internet doing the exact same thing. That isn't what inspired this poem. Her inspiration left me a long time ago. I wrote this poem and then was able to relate to it. But anyways, thanks for the comment
--Tim -
Cannot imagine making up a life on this site - a fake ID that no one can call you a liar on. You have expressed your sentiments well in these lines.
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deep
Awwwwww my Bro..I have to be careful and bite my tongue on this BUT I can so relate to this is ALL I can say..I'm sorry you where hurt huney..It does take time to heal..trust me..it does You did wonderful
Kari
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