scrawny scribbling
Septembered as a squawk
manacled to integrity
Jagged jerking
jumps
jammed..
Drain it away
with all the mistakes.
Shellac shoved down shopping aisles.
Surely some of it can be negotiated?
Broken wings loves him forever
while I am a mess of slogans.
So shy.
Coffins in the wind.
Let the mocking world go round.
All you need is a funeral.
Count them as they dribble away
like they do in those cosy homes.
Bash brained bottle.
The moon is as bloody
as my face.
All those posing people,
where do they all come from?
Where is Peter Sharples when you need him?
You,
you can be different.
Just watch those teardrops fail.
So shy
this knock kneed October.
Author notes
It is what it is.
You can be different, you.
Written in October
A contest entry
- October by ea.
700 points, ended November 1, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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A knock-kneed October is very compelling. Imust admit I never saw him this way... I like how this starts out as "Septembered as a squawk," as well. Sorry to say I don't know who Peter Sharples is - is it you?
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if this isnt a brain wringer. jagged and jammed together, thoughts crashing against each other. it works somehow. somewhat.
intensely creative and striking lines.
"scrawny scribbling"
"manacled to integrity"
brilliant combinations. i would never have thought to put them together.
"All you need is a funeral."
"The moon is as bloody
as my face."
"Surely some of it can be negotiated?"
startling and clever. and the use of everyday objects (i.e. shopping aisles) is quite effective.
despite the many awesome lines, they are slapped together so choppily and randomly that i think it is a little too abrasive and distracting.
perhaps some of your innovation ("Septembered as a squawk") may have to be sacrificed for a little more cohesiveness and coherence amidst this scramble.
not sure about the "j" alliteration.
still, intriguing, creative, thought-provoking and strangely beautiful. love the ending. doesnt shed any light on what comes before it as far as i can tell, seems possibly slightly out of place as an ending, but its beautiful in itself.
in any case, impressive! -
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Thanks for your comments. You see this as I see it. Thoughts jammed together, crashing about, not really in control.
It is what it is. Someday again I will write something that is all one... meanwhile this mixed up life spills onto the page. Thankyou so much for the positive appreciation too.Your comments are always challenging and useful. I really value the detailed way you look and the honesty.
You give me lots to think about which is excellent.
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I think the reason I am having trouble with this poem is because I can relate to it, the way it is, so much. When I read it the first time it was like you were writing it for me. It was the first time I felt that way about any poem. Taking a step back from all that I can see what you mean.
I like the idea of the first line, but I don’t think it fits, at least not as the opening line. I would like to see it somewhere else, or maybe something that gives off the same image or feel. I think a break in the flow of the poem occurs after, “Surely some of it can be negotiated?” I think that line a lot and it works well with everything before.
Something that can be added to the beginning to bring the poem together would be to say something about being or feel shy. I don’t see a clear place for that to go, so maybe the beginning; although that might make your poem a little more about being shy than I believe it is.
“Bash brained bottle” This line ties into the alliteration in the beginning.
And while I like the line, “The moon is as bloody as my face” (In fact I think it brings a powerful image to the reader) I think it would almost be better to use something on Earth and smaller. You’ve used things like shopping aisles, bottles and tears. In a sense these are random things, and the moon isn’t. Bring in something else that people wouldn’t normally see included in a poem might help.
Something to bring into the first part would be the idea of wanting to feel different or about conformity. A small place to do that would be in the part about the manacles. Writing about how constricting they are, for example and the marks that it leaves.
As for Peter Sharples, I like that you added that as a personal detail. It really brings you into the poem. It’s not something that the reader cannot really understand themselves, without the rest of the poem as a guide. Which is always good!
Oh, and I feel honored to be called your guardian angel!
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Thankyou. As usual I feel that this could be quite different. It was written as two separate almost random gabblings on evenings when I felt disconnected. I'm glad you think it hangs together. So often I try to make my poems say somrthing universal and I need to ground them in very specific details. Thanks for the "die in peace" ...it will be changed. I'm surprised you didn't find more!!
it is fascinating to read reviews/you see more value in this one than I hold!
Peter Sharples was a friend with whom I talked the universe, played intense tennis.. and he saw snippets of life as lnes from songs... some parts of this poem have bowdlerised lines from famous songs... and I have not seen or heard from Peter for along,long time ....and he is none of the people I found when I googled!
Thanks again for your support... you keep me on my toes with poems. you are a good guardian angel looking over my shoulder.. encouraging and understanding but not letting me get away with substandard lines. -
And it is amazing I really like this poem. It is very strong; I feel this poem. “manacled to integrity” This is a great line, personally I can relate to it in a strong way. Your whole poem in fact, I can relate so well to it. This is one of my favorites from you and in general!
“Shellac shoved down shopping aisles.” Great details.
This line, “while I am a mess of slogans” is my favorite.
I like the use of cosy, it adds a lot to your poem and drives a point home.
I really like the questions you added to your poem, you always so a really good job of incorporating them in. I was really intrigued by the Peter Sharples reference. I admit that I did have to look him up and I am hoping that I got the right person. I kept getting mixed results. The most accredited person I found was from New Zealand. I’d like to know, when you have time if I did get the right man and you insight about him regarding this poem.
The part that starts off as, “To die in peace.” I feel like this is the weakest part. I almost feel like something is missing or there should be another line. I might consider changing “to die in peace” to something a little stronger. There is an extra space after, “as my face.”
I really like the second to last part as well. It is very strong and a unique way of putting it. “watch those teardrops fail.” I kept reading this over and over again and I continue to want to. As for the ending I liked the use of the months. It brought closure to the piece and brought it full circle. I hope this is somewhat helpful.
Also, one last thing, I really get a sense of the universe from this poem, with references to the moon and where you said, "Let the mocking world go round, like they do in those cosy homes."
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thts nice.. very nice.. beauty in dissonance
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Interesting write. I liked the flow of this. Seemed to express sadness or some sense of hope in the world to be an individual and not to give in to society's pressures. Anyway, good write.
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