I sit alone in the quiet room
The alcove of my mind
My thoughts a haunting elegy
Transposed upon my life
A template for existence
Which my fingers read like braille
Events transcribed with invisible ink
Disappear before my eyes
Instruments of destiny
We are bound to cause and effect
Tools of plastic paradox
We pull on our puppet strings
Dust flecks descend warily
Through viscous atmosphere
Time slowed down in a capsule
A void filled inner sphere
The speed of sound immeasurable
Transformed to energy
A sadness wells up in my heart
Bursts forth to wince the dark
Infinite pathways opened
All leading to dead ends
Detached intimacy
Outlines the script we follow
Limits self inflicted
Rules us into submission
Alone among a madding crowd
I wander haplessly
Suspicion is erosion
Of all that we have built
Question our motives
Too late, we're in a trap
Bittersweet memories
Forever in us collide
Steps veiled in silence
Outside the mourners come...
Author notes
Written October 18th, 2006
A contest entry
- Give Me Your Best!!! by Tomorrows Window.
300 points, ended June 2, 2007, 41 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING! by Beating.
1300 points, ended September 13, 2007, 103 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Things we lost in the fire... by Jai Guru Deva.
500 points, ended January 26, 2008, 85 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hit me with your best shot by Wrozes Thorne.
365 points, ended March 19, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - all the prewrites you want by serenity silvermoon.
600 points, ended March 29, 2008, 150 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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Instruments of destiny
We are bound to cause and effect
Tools of plastic paradox
We pull on our puppet strings
Pure poetry right there. Good job and good luck. -
"Bittersweet memories
Forever in us collide"
I really like those lines. I think you really bring out a lot of though provoking thoughts, and makes the reader take it a step further. I love that.
However, since this has won gold before, I have to disqualify it. -
WoWWW....This was written so well and your word choice was amazing! I love this sooo much! I love the last stanza the best. Great job and good luck in the contest!
<3 Jenerali
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This is a deep and meaningful poem, with so much imagery. The rhythm was good
Instruments of destiny
We are bound to cause and effect
Tools of plastic paradox
We pull on our puppet strings
The above is my fave stanza.
you are very talented keep on writing -
hmmmmmmmmm.......... this is a very thought provoking write. Are you talking about the end to a relationship or just about how we aimlessly wander through life? A great write indeed! Thank you for sharing and featuring this write it was quite pleasant to read.
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'Instruments of destiny
We are bound to cause and effect'
This was a great two lines. Actually there are a few in this poem which struck me, though this one really stood out. I don't think your poem truly personifies silence, rather, I think it expresses what silence causes - the musings and fears and ponderings that arise when there are no other worldly distractions. It had a gloomy, defeatist feel to it that I found suits my mood perfectly, or perhaps thats just me projecting, in which case the poem is even better because it has emotional versatility
Great read, look forward to more.
Avian xx -
wonderful
So much imagery in this poem, so much rythm, so smooth and deep. Your use of vocabulary shows intellect and imagination. The surprise ending was the best part in my opinion, how you built it up with your use of imagery and metaphors and let it loose right there at the end what you were reffering to. great job.
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Seen better
The speed of sound is hardly immeasurable,
it is decidedly slower than light,
ask any third grader.Why do the mourners come, to lament the death of a hearing aid battery? That would be silence; hardly a poem...Bob 42 -
Ah it's a shame you entered a poem in a contes that for all intent and purpose is to deride the author, gently but determinedly. I agree with you take on things, a reader must be allowed to judge for him/herself what the poem forms in their own mind, structure be damned. If it is beautiful then write on dear poet write on.
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I can`t see it
Though it does appear to be in quatrain smudges
and does not make much noise, must be on silence.
I refuse to strain my eyes, am not blind yet
Tis my last critique til clarity budges.
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Hi
I've amended the font. You're more than welcome to have another look.
Regards
Previn
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I am sorry about the lengthy copy and paste in this , but that is the only way that I can explain. I read this (completely absorbed in the silence) and I was just seeing and feeling it all. I skimmed over the comments later (therefore deleted my first one that I started to write) and wanted to comment on this reply of yours as well. I am not sure which critique this is directed at (but it caught my attention as much as the poem did)for those are exactly my sentiments. I NEVER look for any sort of fault in a write, unless it is so obvious that it is the only thing that jumps out)I have to "feel" a poem, I have to be able to relate in some way. All the rest is just secondary. I have read some great form poetry, but I would venture to say I have read more *awful form poetry" where the author focused so much on the form and or rhyme, that the whole subject got lost
I also did not notice any intentional rhyme in this , nor any obvious cliches. Once the focus of the reader concentrates strictly on form----the art is lost. We become like Pavlovs dogs (salivating at the same thing....and too much of "the same" becomes a cheap imitation rather than "art"<---------for it is the individuality of any artist that earns him that moniker and you certainly accomplished it with this piece
Best wishes in this contest,
always,
z
reenie
Previn
November 24
?
Edit | Reply Hi
I acknowledge your comments, however it would be remiss for me not to point out some things:
Firstly this is not a rhyming poem nor was it ever intended to be. I read it again just now and still can't understand why people see it as a rhyming poem.
If the intention was to rhyme I would have done so. If you dont believe I'm capable of rhyming you're more than welcome to check out some of my other stuff. I wrote poems titled Tales of The People which are of a rhyming form.
When I wrote this I didnt sit down and think to myself, "ok now I'm going to write a poem". Its just words that came to me, spilling forth from my mind onto the screen.
And I know that the poem does not use imagery but that is something you must take up with my muse. I just take whatever she gives me.
I have written poems with imagery which you will see if you take a look at other writes of mine.
I would be grateful if you could point out the cliche phrases for me, because I assure you I did not resort to cliche phrases just for the sake of convenience. I didnt even realise that this poem was inundated with cliche.
And most importantly what I hope is that one day you will realise that true art, true beauty, true poetry, has nothing to do with form, structure, rules etc. Its about making the reader/viewer/patron, feel something, its about evoking an indefinable emotion in a person. And when you read a poem, you shouldnt read it looking for glitches, mistakes, whether it rhymes consistently, etc. You should merely read it without thinking about anything else and then see if it leaves you with a distinct impression.
Therein lies the essence of true poetry and the spirit of the true artiste.
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I like silence sometimes.
so much can be said without words.
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Dark And Soulful
A deep introspective poetic success. This is brimming with vivid images. "Bittersweet memories/Forever in us collide" That is certainly one of my favorites. Line 17 is a bit of a quandary to me, since the spped of sound IS measurable, throws me off just a wee tad.
The last line gives me the shivers. Best wishes in the competition. This is well done.
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Very good!
Very impressive. The flow is excellent, the words are perfect and there is a reflective confidence in the individuality with which you potray this poem! Wonderful! -
Excllent Poem
I think your color contrast makes this poem unable to stand out to the reader as it should.Maybe you could use blue background with black letters. I think this poem might go on longer than it should. I think you have two excellent poems here only beacause of the nature of the content.Your use of metaphors and similies are excellent your words paint a picture. You have excellent use of the english language and your grammar is astonishing.You are a Poet with insight and depth and your writing excels in poetic form.
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Instruments of destiny
We are bound to cause and effect
Tools of plastic paradox
We pull on our puppet strings
what an amazing stanza????
This is a splendid piece of all aspect. Wow, you sure have the talent to create. Keep up the great. Oh by the way, don't forget, too much of quietness is not good for the soul. -
Rhyme doesn't work
The first thing I notice is that you have a very even meter to this, but some lines rhyme, and others don't. Some of the rhymes are abcb and others are abcc. If you are going to employ rhyme, you need to do it consistantly.
The next thing I notice is that you are not using imagery to show your reader what you are saying.
The next thing that I notice is that you use several cliche phrases. Cliches are prefabricated phrasing that may be used without effort on your part. They are thus used at the expense of individuality. Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print. If you're depending on a stock phrase, you're letting someone else do half your thinking for you.
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Hi
I acknowledge your comments, however it would be remiss for me not to point out some things:
Firstly this is not a rhyming poem nor was it ever intended to be. I read it again just now and still can't understand why people see it as a rhyming poem.
If the intention was to rhyme I would have done so. If you dont believe I'm capable of rhyming you're more than welcome to check out some of my other stuff. I wrote poems titled Tales of The People which are of a rhyming form.
When I wrote this I didnt sit down and think to myself, "ok now I'm going to write a poem". Its just words that came to me, spilling forth from my mind onto the screen.
And I know that the poem does not use imagery but that is something you must take up with my muse. I just take whatever she gives me.
I have written poems with imagery which you will see if you take a look at other writes of mine.
I would be grateful if you could point out the cliche phrases for me, because I assure you I did not resort to cliche phrases just for the sake of convenience. I didnt even realise that this poem was inundated with cliche.
And most importantly what I hope is that one day you will realise that true art, true beauty, true poetry, has nothing to do with form, structure, rules etc. Its about making the reader/viewer/patron, feel something, its about evoking an indefinable emotion in a person. And when you read a poem, you shouldnt read it looking for glitches, mistakes, whether it rhymes consistently, etc. You should merely read it without thinking about anything else and then see if it leaves you with a distinct impression.
Therein lies the essence of true poetry and the spirit of the true artiste.
Kind regards
Previn
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Thank you so much!!!
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Hey, we chose the same name! Must have been a good choice. I like your change of wording in the second line, it creates an excellent image and idea, almost as if your sitting on the sidelines of your mind and watching. This poem is full of feeling and also seems to be full of insight into humanity.
Well written and good luck in the contest. -
Very lovely and full of rich sentiment- thank you for entering the contest with this piece.
m -
A lovely sentimental piece, very nicely done...
al -
not just returning a favor but this piece touched me somehow...and that is truly something considering that i really do not like rhymes but somehow i relate (more or less) to this poem... since i saw in your profile page that you started to write in freestyle more, i think that if you were to re-write this (freestyle) i would love it... oh, enough rants... nice job, i am glad i came across this...
koroviev
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Thank you,
Hugs
Previn -
WOW, that's all I can say that hasn't been said. This piece was so deathening to read, I wanted to scream and then cry by the last stanza. Wonderful job! Poet, Pen On~ Cuddles
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this is a write that beckons to be read more than once. to capture 'silence' with words is difficult at best, rewarding when done well
and you've done it well
you've some excellent phrasing going on such as 'Limits self inflicted Rules us into submission' and 'Suspicion is erosion'. there are many self truths in this write.
good writing
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the alcove works much much better yes
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Hi
I've made small adjustment, you're welcome to comment.
Regards
Previn -
I sit alone in the quiet room
The quiet room of my mind
not too sure here with the beginning, having quiet room at the end of one line then it also beginning the following line. you can say the same thing without the repeat by simply adding a semi-colon at the end of the first line. the rest of the poem is fine and flows well, just that begining for me.
spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...
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I am so excited to have discovered you and your writing! You say in your profile that, "The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out"... Stephen King.
I agree with you wholeheartedly, but would like to suggest that you are mastering the use of words in such a way that they no longer 'diminish the feelings', or 'shrink things that are timeless'. This write is an example of this. I feel that I cannot say anything that will not diminish the value of this remarkable poem! So I won't - except to say a very humble and heartfelt, "Thank You".
Moira
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The entire piece is so powerfull and I agree with all the comments you have received but this last stanza just the best ending to a great poem. Ami
Bittersweet memories
Forever in us collide
Steps veiled in silence
Outside the mourners come...
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Dark & Beautiful
Dark look at the sounds of silence. This is an extremely talented piece and a serious contender for the gold. One line, however, I don't quite understand ~ fifth stanza, last line "Bursts forth to wince the dark." Perhaps I'm reading out of context Your write is captivating and held my undivided attention throughout. Thank you for a wonderful read.
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What an incredible write. I have never read a poem that hits the nail on the head like this one before. "Silence" Your description quite apt. I am overwhelmed by your intensity, let alone the sincerity that bursts from your write. Amazing what inspires us to write from the depths of our soul. I thoroughly enjoyed this write.
Thank you for sharing . . . Like Nicole says, no need for good luck. . .
J -
All I can say is thank you
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Profound
What a profound take on silence. You have such great power in your words and never cease to amaze me with your insight.
Love and luck to you. I'd wish you luck in the contest but with this piece I don't think you'll need it!
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