Those who argue with sheep
are shammyclad in basic black,
as controversy needs
an open mind.
Odd innovations
forward of our time,
are emerging into our
brickwork today.
Yet, we stand in yesterday.
In a liberated world
individuality should be
as novel as vanilla.
Instead, it’s as rare,
as amaranthine blooms.
Author notes
Very basic, straight forward poem about discrimination of individuality.
I'd love suggestions on this, all great or small are welcome. I want to build this up because it's quite raw at the moment.
Furthermore, I'm not happy with the title, any ideas?
Thanks.
Written October 16th, 2006
In a list
Was it different?
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Good Message
"Individuality should be/ as common as vanilla." Those are great lines. I also think the opening line is perfect. The second stanza seems awkward for some reason, I think because of the first two lines. "Forward of our time" does not work after "Odd innovations."
This poem illustrates human nature: People are too afraid to speak their minds, even though they wish they could. Despite all the changes that have occurred, and how people want diversity and acceptance, we can't get past the need for conformity.
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I think this is fine as it is. The title fits well so don't worry about it. I loved you word choice in this, it was beautiful.
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nice
i really like the break line in the middle... but it kinda threw the ballance a little bit off when the last stanza had 2 lines less... but that's just for me
awesome.
i have no ideas to make this poem "better", it's really good raw. -
yes
it was a straight forward but meaningful poem, nice ideas put together well. a great write
an dea for a title could be;
live together, die alone
or doesnt that fit right?
plz let me know.
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I like the message behind this piece, and your wording is great
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Hmm, no criticism so no favor asked in return. Dug this, very lucid. I like the four-leaf clover. Simple enough for all minds to grasp. This is a deep muse, so I don't think everyone will get your meaning, but the view of stagnation in the face of liberality is clear enough that I think everyone (mostly) will get that. Enjoyed. Peace.
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I think Break the mold; or broken mold;
I WONDER IF THE CONNOTATION OF "CONDEMNED" MAY BE PREJUDICIAL. ANTI-PROTAGONIST SO TO SPEAK, BREAKING THE MOLD SHOULD HOLD A PERSONA OF ALOOF AND ELITE, SUGGESTED REVISION:
Those who argue with sheep,
are condemned to be black,
Those who argue with sheep,
are shammyclad in basic black,
I THINK THOUGH FOUR LEAF CLOVERS MAY BE RARE TO FIND, THE IMAGERY AND REFERENCE IS VERY COMMONLY USED SO IT MAY NOT CONNOTATE THE RARITY YOU WANT TO CONVEY. AN ALTERNATIVE:
instead, it’s as rare,
as a four – leaf – clover.
instead, it’s as rare,
as amaranthine blooms
A SUGGESTION FOR AN ADDITIONAL STANZA CLEVERLY
USING CLICHED PHRASE TO DESCRIBE CLICHED OUTLOOK
Spin-Doctors making the sale on the main path,
Beaten to death by an over-popular drummer
___________________
explanation: twisting the cliches to make them fresh:
CLICHES: (marches to the beat of A different drummer;
off the beaten path; beating a dead horse)
I really enjoyed the clever mechanisms you've used, i hope these suggestions are helpful!
xx oo
dk
I'd love for you to visit my poetry list and select something to read! -
A+
Very well written! I got what you were saying pretty much, although many messages could be gleaned from your words. As I read this I couldnt help admiring the style and metaphors you used to get your point across. What more can I say...a supurb write indeed. You will certainly join my favourites list. Take care -
This was a deep thought which I liked a lot about individuality. Keep writing, this was a great sociological poem although a little sad in a way
Thanks for your critique I’ve made the changes 
All the best
Pozo
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LOL. Yah, I guess thats a lot to ask. I do that in my poems, but I wouldnt want you to change your writting style. IM me when you change it.
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Thanks for the comment. I NEVER write without punctuation because I feel it's bad English, but I will play with the punctuation a little if it helps. Thanks again.
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This was interesting. Theres a lot of things you are trying to get through in this poem, and I think the puntcuation is taking away from it. I think you shoul either get rid of the puntcuation, or play with it a little. I think it would help the flow. Other than that, everything else is pretty good. I loved the line;
"Odd innovations,
forward of our time,
are emerging into our
brickwork today,
yet, we stand in yesterday."
Yet we stand in yesterday, very cool. Very good and thought provoking piece.
(Read any of my poems and I'd be happy
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Thanks for the comment and all but the poem doesn't rhyme...or it wasn't meant to, so I'm slightly confused there. I do think four - leaf clover sounds better too. Thanks.
Edited on Oct 16, 3:42 p.m. because ''. -
Great start
The first two lines were great, the irony, "novel as vanilla" is quite interesting, individuality should be accepted, but then it becomes mainstream, doesn't it? Hmmm. I think I know where you're going, and this is a good start. And I think the title works o.k., but "four-leaf clover" is more correct, less distracting. title could also be Individuality, or Black Sheep. Keep working it out. (take a peek at one of my most recent poems please) Write on...
Edited on Oct 16, 3:47 p.m. because 'Ooops!'. -
wow....*goes speechless* wow. others are right this is straight forward yet it says so much that i can't explain. well done and well written
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I really liked it, I think it flowed well and I totally got what you were saying even before I read your comments. I am an odd bird (so I think) and I embrace individuality, I encourage that in my children and give teachers the evil eye when they want to stiffle it in my kids. Good Job! Honestly I like it how it stands now, title and all. LM
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It was very straightforward but very interesting
Very well written
I think the title fits quite well
The poem works very well
Very well portrayed
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Wow I must be really unclear with my writing because I thought this was black and white compared to my other works.
Apart from the fact I said what it's about in my authors comments, it's about how modern society should accept individuality, but we don't, yet. There is still discrimination.
Thanks for reading and commenting. -
I think i like this alot but i am not exactly sure that i am taking it as you are writting could you tell me what exactly your are saying ..... Thank you , i love it.... even though i might not understandd!!!
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