Whether I like it or not
Whether you can stand me or
You cant stand me
I guess that's my fault
I don't feel it though
Were just the common threshold
And its been years since I wore my welcome away
I got no idea why I'm afraid, 'not to stay'
I'll never get the exaltation
Of you
If I lie down with your expectation
Of me
Follow the pattern on my chest to my Achilles heel
And sink your poison tipped teeth in to make me feel
Is it my fault that I confuse lust for love
Im just so desperate not to be alone
That I forget the false in someone
And I think this disease
Is anchored to me
I’m so bitter
That taking you seems unfair
Like the arrow in the soldier's eye
The point won't hurt
If something was never there
You can't take back what you lose
That's why I swear to use
Every last part of you
So will you take this
For what it is
And just leave it be
Or will you bleed
Until there's no fight left
Could you expect the fate
Or do you still believe in closure
I'll never understand the concept
Something I can accept
Will this thread,
Hold,...Hold our heads
From falling away from the ground
Cause after all these are our worst fears
A broken line we've kept
For twelve years
Author notes
okay the lay out of the song is verse chorus verse2 interlude Repeat chorus bridge repeat chorus
Written October 16th, 2006
A contest entry
- For poets who are sick of seeing contest that are invite only and no pre writes allowed by angelinthelight17.
300 points, ended October 31, 2006, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Cellophane Flowers of Yellow and Green by Alien She.
483 points, ended December 6, 2006, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Fear by brokenpoet.
300 points, ended December 22, 2006, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Very Best #2 (pre-writes allowed) by Dark Whispers.
415 points, ended April 18, 2007, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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The rhyme is a bit sporadic, but when put to music it may flow just fine. When reading it though, the broken rhyme scheme was a little bit distracting. You've got some really strong lines. I especially liked
"I'll never get the exaltation
Of you
If I lie down with your expectation
Of me"
I think you do a great job of avoiding cliche, which can be hard to do when writing about this subject. >pixxie< -
I Love the Arrow and the missing Eye!!!
This is shear genius! I love everything about this when it comes to great Writing!!!! You have really done your readers a great service by writing such an awsomed piece of perfected thoughts and expressions and feelings that are beyond this world and into the next!!!
take care!!!!
-ibsons
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Hello this is a wonderfull poem my the wording and imagery was just great I really liked this part "So will you take this
For what it is
And just leave it be
Or will you bleed
Until there's no fight left
Could you except the fate
Or do you still believe in closure
I'll never understand the concept
Something I can accept" good luck with the contest
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some areas of this poem is a little confusing, It needs some wotk, or you could just change it back into a story.
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The poem needs some work. Writing a story and chopping it up into stanzas or rather, in this case, "paragraphs." Some of it doesn't make sense- foggy. Say what you want- to the point- and try to be ambiguous a little more for this style. You don't need to say word for word- be a little subtle. It shouldn't read like a story. I another suggestion for you. Try to read a lot. That has always helped me. Also, this poem is most certainly not bad- I just see room for improvement. We all can improve- especially mine ... Don't be defensive- I mean no harm and I am just suggesting a couple things that may or may not be benifical. I maybe completely wrong. Keep writing... M.T.B.
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NIce piece of writing I could hear this being played in a bar somewhere or in a concert hall, really nice lyrics, Rocking out with a beer in one hand a zippo in the other saying play on dude play on!!!!
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Wow!
definatley a different write. But very good none the less. Best of luck in the contest. Keep that pen flowing. -
This is very different than what I expected, but it is good nonetheless. I hope it does well in the other contests! It should, by far.
Thanks for entering,
Melissa -
good write!
this is nicly written and portrayed, good luck in the contest! ~paint -
I very much liked the last stanza of this poem. There was something inviting but scary with the last line, a sense of obsession that seemed very suitable for the poem, and worked well with all that lead up to it. You've done a nice job of it here, and the story was entertaining.
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I liked this. One minor point:
Could you except the fate
Or do you still believe in closure
I'll never understand the concept
something i can except
I think you meant 'accept' both places that you have 'except'. Reading back, 'expect' would work too, so I am not sure which you were going for, but I would guess 'accept'.
Overall very good though.
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it has the beautiful ring of a song.i like the wordsif something is not there,you can not take back what you lose.
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i really liked it!!!!
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Like the arrow in the soldier's eye
The point won't hurt -not sure about this picture. Point in the eye I think would deffinitely hurt.
If something was never there
You can't take back what you lose -great line
That why I swear to use -did you mean 'That's'
Every last part of you
Other than that I think your piece carries good sentiments and flows well.
~Mary O -
yeah thanks for letting me know about the spelling mistakes i used the spell check before but i guess it didnt catch everything wierd
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Great lyrics you havae penned here; just need spell check to go over words, and put those apostrophes in where need be and this would be an excellent poem. Keep writing...
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i enjoyed this, particularly the lines:
You can't take back what you lose
That why I swear to use
Every last part of you
it feels heartfelt and real - which is what we strive for right?
blessed be,
sidenote: you have worst as wrost in the second last line
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