Have you had the feeling that you were fighting not just for your life...but for your sense of self?
I have.
It is a horrid thing to think that someone could take you away from yourself.
You feel empty inside. Think that anything could be a filler.
Even though that filler could be a killer.
Love is temporary, if you can deal with it.
Problem is, I didn't, I wanted to get it over with.
So I found my mom's happy pills everytime she tried to get me downstairs again.
I guess if it feels good its ok, do it over and over again.
Then, it got strange. She wanted me to choke her while it happened.
I didn't want to, but I didn't care.
Then, she pulled down her underwear.
I pulled mine down because she would if I didn't.
Then, she did that all familiar thing.
I popped the pills while she wasn't looking.
She put it in her mouth, then told me to lay down.
I thought it was funny, like she was a clown.
I couldn't stop laughing, until she made me.
She started to choke me while she moved up and down.
I didn't know what was going on and I started to freak.
She stopped then said do it to me.
I felt strange. Would I normally do this?
Was this who I was? All I was to be?
Then I did it and, after a while, she screamed in orgasm.
How could she get satisfaction from this?
What was it doing for her?
Then, she made me cum so I didn't care.
Why didn't I care? Would I normally? I don't know.
I don't even know myself.
Author notes
This is one of the most defining moments in my life. I wrote this poem because it was blasted back to the front of my mind so I decided writing about it would be a good way to rid myself of the emotions again.
This abuse was reported and all that. It was my baby sitter.
Written October 12th, 2006
- Poets Against Child Abuse group list • next in list
A contest entry
- It's the past you can't change it, or run from it, What are you running from? (My 7th Contest!!!!!
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest- Post Secret::My Secret Inspired *Now Your SECRET!* by Dead Star--x. 350 points, ended February 14, 2007, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest- oogaboogashoogalooga...this is serious by Starlette. 525 points, ended December 7, 2007, 150 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Post Secret::My Secret Inspired *Now Your SECRET!* by Dead Star--x. 350 points, ended February 14, 2007, 44 entries
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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that is really good and it is good to get it off you cheast
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Wow, I know how those memories can invade. I am so sorry for what happened to you. I am glad that you reported it. It takes so much courage to speak out against abuse and share our horrible memories. Thank you
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Its sad when you come across true times like this. memories hurt and a blast for the past can be even more hurtful.
Situations like this make you have so many questions you wish you had answers too.
But it was brave of you to share your journey.
you're obviously big enough and able enough to move on and file it away in your head so that you can move on.
good luck in the contest.
lexy xx
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"Even though that filler could be a killer.
Love is temporary, if you can deal with it."
oh wow... very deep poem
im sorry for all that, really
XDax
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wow that is deep and very descriptive. great poem and i am glad to hear it was reported.
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the way it's written suggest theres some hidden emotion, i think you're brave for being able to write about this. You're a strong person for making it through this. it disgusts me to think that someone could manipulate another person into something so cruel. i give you mad props. i don't have a lot of time right now, but i will definitly get back to you with some more of my thoughts on this. and if you could, please check rule number 4
-angel -
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fixed it...sorry about that...
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wow... frightening.. i appreciate your honesty and strangth to write this... sometimes its easier to write things then it is to sdpeak them,... i find myself writing a lot and pretending to be okay and happy to everyone i know.. thanx for entering and good luck!
*Abused
*
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What a screwed up world this is! As a mom, this is my worst nightmare, to trust someone with my kids and have this kind of thing happen to them. How do you tell which person is trustworthy and which is not?
I had a babysitter do some stuff to me when I was a kid too, but never to this extent. Geez, and the worst it should be is she talked on the phone all night or something.
I'm sorry for this loss of your innocence.
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Very hard hitting and full of raw emotion, you did a fantastic job here. i sympathise.
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Man that's fucked up how could she do something like that to you. No one should ever have to go through something like that never. I'm glad that you were willing to share this piece with me and others alike. I agree with thedrunknextdoor that you are an amazing writer and so full of talent. I loved the emotion of the piece it's so full of imagery it made me want to cry in a way
. I hope things are better for you these days. Thanks again for taking the time to enter my contest. Best of luck and keep writing!!!!!!
--Trixie
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this is so sad and so full of emotion. Your an amazing writter you are so full of talent. Keep writing your amazing
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hey, o my gracious stars, that is so horrible i can relate my dad did it to me and i know what the feelings are that run through ur mind i have lost all self control,and have lost my insanity its awful thing to loose, I often cant control myself and have to try my hardest to control myself i could go out and have sex but that wouldnt get me anywhere and im trying to break the habit that my AWFUL dad started...
In GOds Name
Midge Duckie
Blonde
LeeAnn -
Thanx...i figured this would explain my hate for authority.
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i loved it
damn......thats really sad...but think of it like this...the things that fuck us up are usually the things that make our poetry work with genius...lol... keep writing..
blessed be
Clair De Lune -
Oh my goodness, dear...That is such a horrible situation to be put in, especially at such a young age, when we are taught not to contradict authority. Whoever did this to you is an extremely horrible person, and a poor excuse for an individual. I admire you for being strong enough to share this with the rest of us, and we will all keep you in our prayers.
God Bless,
Laura
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