It took me long to sit down and write it,
This,
This poem, pain, howl... you name it.
I played delay games hesitating between names,
Between Your Beautiful Eyes and Toy and Tribute
and Murder, Planned and My Friend, Gone and You...
Finally I had to sit down,
Choose the title, call back the unending howl, pain, poem,
and write it.
The untold untellable story of Toy.
My dog.
Gone. Dead. Today. At my murderous hand.
Oh, the beauty of those deep brown sugar eyes,
The smirk in that quashed muzzle, the huge paws,
the knots in that long hair hanging from your ears,
the knots in my throat right now wishing it was I not you
lying there cold, rigid, unseeing. Dead.
The little ribbon I tied from time to time to your forehead,
You looked like a clown... so beautiful.
Sure I remember.
When you arrived like a mad cyclone from the depths of a horror story
running through the house like a pack of mad wolves
chewing to death everything that didn’t move
licking to death everything that did
peeing and shitting with joyful glory all over the carpets
and bed sheets and all around the newspapers I laid down for you
never on them... making mush of me already then
and I fell in love with you and now you are gone.
Once in your life, only once, you growled
and you were so embarrassed and so ashamed at the sound
that you never did it again. Love, only love, this is all you knew to give
and you gave and you gave and you gave so much of it.
Always alongside me, with me,
in the bed, in the bathroom, in the car, at friends,
you demanded your place in my life and you got it,
half of the place and all of my life,
sneaking with you into shops, cinemas, restaurants
where you were fast to hide underneath the table
waiting for me to share with you half of my hamburger, half of my chips,
my spaghetti, my ice cream, my pizza, the cream and the cakes.
Always thanking me. With love. Endless love. And tail wags.
So elegant,
folding your leash in four symmetrical parts
picking it up as the symbol of your liberty
and waiting at the door... OK, let’s go together... you said.
Time. Heart. Sickness. Still dragging along with me. Everywhere.
Slowly. Unrelenting. Happily. Slowly. Slower.
Our last night together.
Weak, hardly able to pick up your body,
two weeks your stomach got nothing but a few pills,
some water. You were still smiling. You were in pain but didn’t tell.
But I knew. Your murder was planned for the following day
so I refused to come home, I refused to let you go, but I did.
You still wagged weakly your tail, unable to get up.
You licked my hand. You rubbed your head against my knee
wishing to leave something with me, your smell,
a few hairs black and white and brown, your flag and mine.
Did you know already? That you will die?
That I will die with you after that night to end all nights?
I watched the needle enter your muscle,
the plunger pushing the liquid in, half of it, then all of it.
I couldn’t watch the second shot,
ran out of the room and hid in a corner
howling in my mind howling in my mind howling in my mind.
Respecting you. Letting you go. With dignity.
Oh, so painful it was letting you go...
Then he told me with fake sorrow in his voice that it was over. I paid him.
I took you with me.
There will be flowers above you, and around you, and in your heart.
And all the world’s desert in mine.
I loved you, friend mine. Like a child.
I have no choice now but to become a believer.
I must believe that I will meet you again.
Author notes
Written October 12th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Memories of Animals - How they Live and Die by Judith Chandler.
525 points, ended January 13, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make this THE largest Contest EVER on AP [enter, enter, enter!] by Symphony.
18000 points, ended April 28, 1011 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
-
This was heartbreaking ... Have been that 'murderous hand' once too often, because animals live for so much less time than us - BUT -
I urge you not to think of it in such a manner [though that makes me a hypocrite as I view myself as the murderer of my soul pet, who I had euthanised just gone five years ago] -
and i know what this guilt, and way of thought can to do a soul. yes, at the end of the day, when they grow weak, and unable for their usual routine, it's time to say goodbye, and only we can utter the words that they so need - the wordst hat will set them free...
This was a very moving piece; you described your pet in so many personal ways, making it truly your own - and, i'm sorry for your loss
-
"Gone. Dead. Today. At my murderous hand."
No. Not at your "murderous hand" ~ at the jagged request of your infinitely loving heart, your unending compassion, your depths of devotion. There are some things that are unthinkable...but we must allow them to leave us so their pain will cease. I have been in this shadow, more than once. My arms are held out to you, across these oceans, these continents between, to tell you Toy loves you still...& yes, you must believe, because it is the truth. Wanda
-
There are some really nice details here describing the dog (knots in her hair, etc.) and her arrival and disposition as well as her relationship with you. You write so movingly of the decision you had to make and of the dog's death.
I do have to point out that the entry is rather too long. I think you might have cut most of those lines about the title, right at the beginning.
Thank you for your entry. I just reread it; it's a very moving write. -
yes, sometimes the kindest gift you can do to a creature - human or animal - you love is letting go. funny how all you talented poets (you’re not the first, sorry
) seem to be able to find that “heart” of my poem which says it all, with the rest just there for decoration . i am delighted to have friends and attentive readers such a you. and thank you for your comforting words.
-
"you demanded your place in my life and you got it,
half of the place and all of my life"
that's the heart of it all right there.
When we had a few animals of ours put down (due to painful arthritis) I coudn't go. I stayed at home to be as far away as possible, or in the vehicle where I was still able to hear them crying.
That's the heartbreaker of the animals I've had. Mostly all have had to be put down because of their bodily pain -and that my parents couldn't afford surgery or pills and we never wanted them to suffer.
*hugs* sorry for your loss
♥ Jenn -
my dearest friend, i know. i feel. i pain. i am glad to have you around to share with. thank you.
-
the world would be a better place if there were more “crazy” people such as you around. thank you for adding your personal story here, sandi, sharing does – to a certain extent – dampen the feeling of powerlessness and loneliness. and, maybe the wrong place to say it , but i enjoy seeing you basking in the happiness of your newly found love.
-
my dear “old” friend khanh, so glad you still remember visiting me even though i do such long disappearing acts, i feel like what i write is worth reading when old friends come back, and i am really thankful for both your comment and your visit. i know you prefer my stories, there are a few out there waiting just for you to read them ... so many thanks again.
-
thank you angela, for your compassionate comment, and for... finding again the way to my domain. i hope to be more present in the future, i consider myself lucky to have readers such as you.
-
Aaawh, Joe...this makes the tender branches of my heart quiver. I expected something else (maybe because the title speaks to me personally), but once again you chose the title so well after all the pacing and the tears. I share your love of dogs and you made me remember my own Penny and Kali - my two labradors I've lost the last 3 years... Yes, they are our children, a part of our lives; they teach us what unselfish love is really about.
I can not help but remember the words of the dutch poet who wrote: "Alles van waarde is weerloos" - everything of value are defenceless... This touched me....those last two lines says so much..
~ Nicolette
-
Oh mimi!
I'm so sorry for your loss sweetie, I know how hard this was to write. Letting go of our best friend and seeming child is hard, so hard they fill such a place in our lives.
Bittersweet and so beautiful this tribute for Toy, And yes, I believe you will see him in another time and when you least expect it.
We had to put our beloved Gigi (wire haired duschond)down and six months later I was walking in a park on holiday when this pup came bounding up to me off a leash. It was as if time had reversed back 17 years, there were so many similarieties in its behaviour but I tried to tell myself that it was only my imagination, didn't all pups act the same? I got down on the ground and played with him at least 10 minutes when a man came up to me and called the dogs name Jos. but Jos wasn't paying any attention to him, instead he jumped on my lap and greedily licked my face and wouldn't leave. The man told me he'd been looking for Jos for the better part of an hour, he had jumped over the back fence and ran off. This tiny dog had gotten over a six foot fence.(Gigi did the same, he climbed it, one link at a time) I picked Jos off my lap and held him up looking straight in his eyes, he never flinched or looked away from my stare, instead he let out one little bark. I started crying and held him close and the man stood there looking perplexed at me and his dog. He said Jos never let strangers hold him, shied away and didn't act like the puppy he should be acting like until now, he couldn't believe it. I cuddled the pup for another minute and whispered thank you in his ear and told him to go home. He got off my lap and barked again going to the man. I'll never forget the look on his face as he put the leash on Jos. I remember smiling then and I don't know why, but said take good care of Gigi, then I got up and walked away, not looking back.
I think I understood the look in the pups eyes when I held him up, it was Gigi, somehow he did come back and I guess just wanted me to know, or...I could just be crazy and read more into it than there was, just a coincidance in nature, but I felt better for whatever reason after the encounter.
Wishing you a better day and even better in the days to come
many blessings Sandi
-
oh my gosh, that must have been so hard to do. I never had a pet that I was close to, but the last one I had that died, made me pretty sad. So I can only imagine how hard it was to lose something so close to you. I'm so sorry.
Connie- -
To loose your child, your best friend... oh my friend you expressed the grief beautifully. I just wish it were one you did not have to experience.
Edited on Oct 12, 3:16 p.m. because 'I need spellcheck'. -
thank you my friend
-
this would make even an ogre cry i think .. well done
-
thank yo for your comment
-
im sorry.....i dunno what more to say. It's very emotional and makes me f@kn sad, so im very sorry for your pain
Adding your comment:
1 - 17 of 17
