a pale entity
exists here before you
an anxious moment
for the pale entity-
tense, nervous, sweating...
waiting...
perhaps for the sound of a heartbeat
not its own,
or...
in the noisy confines of the visible world, where such things perish
you've seen it wither and die,
I'm sure of it,
there is no chance for such things to germinate;
here, there is more feeling
when pretty words are swept away.
pale entities,
together
now
here
it is so difficult sometimes...
I doubt you will find much more elsewhere
maybe pretty words
stay...
it is happening...
a pale entity
caressed
lightly
by fingertips
across a distant keyboard...
the heart feels only what the imagination delivers
until the moment
you ask the other pale entity
to arrive
there is a link
between pale entities-
here
now
release me
Author notes
Written October 10th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Cut-throat Poetry---A Competition by grm.
2000 points, ended October 15, 2006, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I just like good poetry and to become inspired, I could get that with this,
as for the theme of my poem...it is merely not accepting change...not whiskey and wimmen
I guess with a name like cut-throat poetry we should have written about trout...lol
best wishes
Peace Muddy
Edited on Oct 13, 6:53 p.m. because 'the repetition works for me, I like completing a circle of thought that way'. -
This is lovely apart from the repitition - yep said loads of times before above. 'part from that it's lovely
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I hate to do it, but I agree with the above commenters about the title phrase. Beyond that, this is a good piece.
Nice.
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I agree with NC regarding the over use of the title phrase without it being further developed beyond its simple repetition. Some really strong lines here and a lot of potential for sure, this is especially true of P5 and 10.
Edited on Oct 11, 12:52 because ''. -
the "pale entities" are people interacting in non-physical worlds, (us in this case), which is the theme of the piece... sorry you didn't get it... if others don't, I'll have to work on that... thanks for the other constructives... I'll be considering those... The 'gush' was taken relative to the comments on all other pieces... the diatribe is not against the contest, but the hypocricy shown on the 'cliche' issue... and judge any way you like, that is part of the challenge, and represents the readership's reaction out there...
Edited on Oct 11, 9:00 because ''. -
a pale thing?? a shape, shadow of a former self??
I think as a whole piece this is okay... but the repetiton of the pale entity didn't really sit right with me, as i found it to be almost redundant in what you was trying to convey?
I think you could with some editing... pare this down, by using phrasing to denote the paleness rather than using the word entity all the time?
anyways only my thoughts
Plus I did not gush on Muddy's piece.. although I found it good.. I comment on all the pieces.. offering MY thoughts on them all, and letting the reader know what I could see ..
I gather from your diatribe on the contest notes that you aren't happy about the contest.. so feel free to delete your piece if you feel so strongly about it..
I, however intend to discuss with the fellow judges on this contest and give fair views on all the pieces.
Thank you for entering
Gillian.
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