You said run, child and
I still do,
blindly into everything
with arms outstretched knowing
you’ll be there when I scrape my
knees.
You said fly, girl and
I still do,
higher than you ever could.
I soar, unencumbered by
what-ifs and have-nots, free
to taste the wind.
You said explore, dear and
I am,
every inch of dirt my feet land
upon and I am filthy. Wallowing
in warmth you never imagined and
dreams you never dared.
Author notes
Trying something different. Doesn't feel done yet, but I thought it might work for this contest anyway.
Written October 10th, 2006
A contest entry
- Women Only (prewites welcome) by Danna Hobart.
490 points, ended January 29, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
-
Have.
He's actually staying with us right now. It's been a lot of fun.
-
I remember this one.
Sounds like you had a good dad. You are lucky in that way. -
Wisdom of a Sage
Beautifully phrased and filled with the wisdom of a sage father; how blessed you are, Tiffany. This poem is surely a winner.
Luv & hugs, BonnieQ
-
"every inch of dirt my feet land" - going with "every inch" and "feet" I feel that "land" should be "lands". I could be wrong, it's been known to happen. Quite often in fact.
This was, what's the word (thinks) ... wispy? I think that's the word. No, no, not the word. This isn't "wispy", all wrong - whippy, that's it! I had to think for a minute. Just a minute. Yeah, I think "whippy" describes this piece.
It's a word, I swear. Though my firefox spellchecker doesn't seem to think it is. eh.
-
This piece leaves me with a very interesting mix of emotions ~ gratitude that the father encouraged his daughter to fully experience life, and the love between the two of them, just to name a couple. Mixed into that is a feeling of resentment, perhaps? Or loss of respect for the father, who couldn't take is own advice?
I love your line breaks, which is something I've struggled with whenever I attempt free verse. You pull the reader along into each line beautifully.
"every inch of dirt my feet land
upon and I am filthy."
I loved that line. It gave me a wonderful image of myself as a child, jumping off a swing when at the high point of the upswing, and landing in the dirt below. Plus, the meaning behind it is just perfect.
If you only received a silver on this, the gold must have really been something.
Congratulations and best wishes,
~J. -
Wow- thanks.
-
OOOH This poem sings of sucess quite beautifully. I have no children of my own at this time but I can definitly say that If i were a father and my daughter wrote anything so moving in it's strength and healthy outlook on life itself then I know in my heart that I could not hold back a river of joyful tears. A loving father could not possibly hope for anything greater for his little girl than the attitude you have so poetically presented here.
Not to dissect any part of such a marvelous piece but the phrase
"unencumbered by what-ifs and have-nots," really strikes a deep chord within me. I love that line!
This is definitly deserving of a
as well as the loudest applause I have given in a very long time. Excellent work!!
-
Congratulatiaons for winning silver in this contest with this delightful write. Can see the father telling the girl this sand her listening and soaring.
-
I rather like the simplistic, unique style you have written in...very well prepared with a good lesson as well..I applaud you
-
This is not something I have grown to expect from you, Tiffany. I like it a lot. I am not really sure how to critique it right now. Going to let it simmer for a while. You should post it in the group. I bet Rick would like to see it.
-
I enjoyed this immensely,the feeling of positivity,of being unfettered,free and bathed in love.Only one tiny thing I wondered,had you considered the use of a different word other than "imaged" on the penultimate line?I am not criticizing,just both times I read this through that was the only word that leapt at me.Well done indeed,a worthy applause.
Adding your comment:
1 - 11 of 11
4 old applause
