You are cruel in comfortable ways
with an easy smile and steady gait;
natural fingers sweep back your hair.
I'm ticking loudly,
red numbers counting down in liquid crystal display.
Lungs in knots, diaphragm contracting,
legs angular in an irregular march.
"I don't mean what I said" falls like a punchline
through your smile to my stomach.
I'm the joke.
You are cruel in comfortable ways
Recall you in sleep, tossed on the couch
like a discarded tee-shirt.
I nudge your shoulder with my bitten nails.
Your eyelids curl back, you shift, lazily
pat the empty space next to you.
I fill it like an injection.
My skin is metal conducting your warmth.
Your fingers slowly and independently sketch
my figure there--created in curves.
But I'm still stark, stick-like marks,
near-shaking in anxiety.
You are cruel in comfortable ways
You barely glance at me with a
careless comment,
stretch out your limbs and place your
hands behind your head;
Left ankle lain leisurely over the other.
I'm at the edge of my seat:
Muscles rigid, ready to pounce,
to renounce you.
My eardrums pounding at your every whisper,
Eyes rapidly shifting, teeth set and grinding.
You give me a politician's smile.
I clench my jaw, tense my stomach,
take the blow.
You are cruel in comfortable ways
and this is why you are laughing,
while you invalidate that previous statement.
You recede
And finally
I'm still,
immobile;
letting irrevocable culpability
Formaldehyde my veins,
collapse my lungs,
and pull unwilling water from
the eye of the storm.
Author notes
to my dear friend,
...bastard
Written October 4th, 2006
A contest entry
- Intense Sentiments by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended February 6, 2007, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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ha...i like this...a lot...i myself have been in a situation like this before...thank goodness with the birth of our child he didn't want me anymore...twisted i know...thanks for commenting on mine...it's about losing someone you care about to addiction and praying for them to get clean and letting them know that you're still going to be there for them when they return.
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what good writing. there is a self deprecation coupled with some killer lines that take the piece beyond itself to some place that is both personal and universal. and this is brilliant
Formaldehyde my veins, collapse my lungs, and pull unwilling water from the eye of the storm.
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I actually think this is the best poem i have seen on this site. this sounds completely insincere but it's absolutely true- i am so envious of your ability to draw someone into your position so completely- and your use of metaphor is beautiful and astounding- you manage to put very familiar feelings into such a unique way. Fantastic.
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Thank you so much. That's very kind of you to say. for a long time this was my favorite poem as well. I'm glad that you aprreciate it!
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"You are cruel in comfortable ways"
so clever. and true. wow.
just one of many striking, incredible lines in this. amazing use of diction and detail and intense imagery to capture this situation.
"Lungs in knots, diaphragm contracting,
legs angular..."
"eardrums pounding at your every whisper"
"politician's smile"
its the small details "bitten nails," "eardrums," "diaphragm," "angular" that makes the description so powerful.
"Recall you in sleep, tossed on the couch
like a discarded tee-shirt."
strong image, drawing up many complex associations with just a few words. "discarded tee-shirt." perhaps a hint at some of speakers antagonism towards "you" and more of the relationship, in addition to demonstrated his carefree carelessness.
this is one of the best pieces ive read in a while. wow.
the only thing that irked me was the proliferation of unneccessary modifiers in this piece.
"natural fingers sweep back your hair"
"Your fingers slowly and independently sketch
my figure"
"Carelessly, you glance at me with a
nonchalant comment,"
"Left ankle lain leisurely over the other"
"You casually stride on without any further ado"
like salt, a few modifiers can bring out the flavor of the poem, but too many is overpowering and can ruin it. i think often your images and description are strong enough to stand on their own... when the fingers "sweep back your hair," that captures confidence sufficiently and precisely without needing to be "natural." glancing "carelessly" to make a "nonchalant" statement is overkill, as is "striding" "casually" "without further ado."
have confidence in the strength of the details you have so painstakingly chosen and laid out to capture what you are trying to describe without the constant reinforcement of modifiers.
regardless, this still is a stunning and delicious piece, even if it is a bit on the salty side.
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Thank you so much for your extensive analysis of my poem. I really appreciate the time you dedicated to commenting my piece. I will definitely take your constructive criticism into consideration.
Again, my gratitude!
Arielle
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this is really good
very personal
good luck in the contest
~* NeveR *~ -
you remind me of another poet on this site, also great with her metaphors, your metaphors are excellent and... enjoyable (even though the subject matter may be unpleasant) providing the reader with the reality of the inner self yet quite obviously pointing to the real reality (oops, mental knot there). the relationship you describe is extremely unbalanced, to the level that (the feeling is) one side – the “comfortable” one – actually exploits/abuses the other, the sensitive side. it does happen in relationships, i would hate to be in one yet... life rules by other rules (another mental knot, sorry). my friend – you did a great job of poetry here, talking to those of us who are in similar situations, artistically you are sharply gifted (your metaphors side is remarkable) and the title – simply perfect.
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Thank you for reading. I'm glad you can relate.
Arielle -
deep
This is really deep. I could say this to a few people right now. You've done a good job. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
Kari -
Thank you for reading my poem. I'm glad you were pleasantly surprised as you say. I hpe you enjoyed my piece, but pray, tell me, whatprecisely were you expecting?
Arielle -
thANK you Individuality! We need somemore of you!
Arielle -
Very well. I came in thinking I was going to read something a bit different, and I was pleasantly surprised.
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a good piece of poetry here, sadness floating along the words. spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...
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thank you Jamila.
Arielle -
thank you so much blondone! I really appreciate it. If you can relate, then i wish you the best.
Arielle -
oh what writing this is I can completely relate which is sad to say out loud... Great imagery wrote in these painful words only can wish the best for all of us that live out these words...this is a outstanding write of your inner feelings...I'm so glad I click here and will be reading more of your writes thanks for sharing this one....
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You are cruel in comfortable ways
and that is why you are laughing
While you invalidate that previous statement
You casually stride on without any further ado
And finally, I'm still, immobile
letting irrevocable culpability
Formaldehyde my veins
collapse my lungs
and pull unwilling water from
the eye of the storm
EXCELLENT!!
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that's a good guess, but its more obvious than that. It literally is about a guy and the awkward situation we're in. He is completely comfortable and I'm always nervous. In the first,thrid and fourth stanza, I separate the explanation of myself versus this guy buut in the second, the descriptions are linked because we are together in the stanza--almost intimately. Thank you for taking the time to consider my poem! It means so much.
Arielle -
thank you but I'm not sure what you mean by your comment: "horrible. but common. sad." Are you refering to the events or the poem or what particularly?
Arielle -
thank you so much Bob! That meANS a great amount to me.
Arielle -
thank you so much for reading my poem and leaving such kind comments!
Arelle -
thank you kozmic! It is definitely a factual piece and I'm glad, but sorry, that you can relate. I hope things will get better for you.
Arielle -
a confusing cross-over between sex and drugs????? Mr. Joe
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"I don't mean what I said" falls like a punchline
through your smile to my stomach
I'm the joke
horrible. but common. sad. good job with writing this. a good read. i really like your title.
blu -
this.... is one of the most hard-hitting pieces of writing i've heard in a long time.
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great job!
"Your eyelids curl back, you shift, lazily
pat the empty space next to you
i fill it like an injection"
what an emotional line. what a picture. what a poem. I think we've all been here more times than we woudl probably care to admit. more times than anyone will really let on.
"You give me a politician's smile
I clench my jaw, tense my stomach"
and now i feel the evil as you feel it. i feel the pain you're feeling. i can imagine all that happens next...
what a gift for the written word. i admire you. stay strong. you have a true talent, never waste your gift.
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unreal.
but not in the unrealistic sense.
oddly reminiscent of my current situation....
you never fail to amaze me.
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