My Dear Nicole,
It's been 1 year, 52 weeks, 352 days, 36736 hours, and 411,855,880 ninutes since I last saw your beautiful face, or heard your sweet voice. I can say without a doubt this has been the hardest year of my life. I miss you so much, I still cry everyday and not a day goes by that I dont think about you.
It's the little things that people take for granted, and its the little things that I miss most about you. I miss the way you would sing into your wodden spoon, and the way your nose would crinkle up when you laughed.
I miss how you would get so excited about things and how your smile would light up your face so brightly that you put the stars to shame. I miss teasing you about the "passing of the egg" and how we had you convinced you were Marcia brady lol.
I even miss the mischevious things you would do, like the time you told me you put 15 dollars into the trucks gas tank but said the gas gage must be broke because it still said empty, so I took you back to the gas station and proved to you that it wasnt broke. (I knew you spent your money on socks lol.)
I miss hearing your voice on the phone when you would call me on your way to work, and I miss you complaing about the things that were bothering you. What I miss most is you, you were my first born, Mommys little girl.
I knew when I was a little girl that when I grew up I wanted all girls and my dreams came true when you and your sisters were born. You were such a smart little girl - you were reading the encylopedia when you were 4, and arguing with your teachers about your grades by the time you were six. If you had one problem wrong on a paper and you thought the answer was right you would make the teacher change it, even though she explained to you that even with that one problem wrong it was still an "A", you were not happy until she erased the X lol. Your first grade teacher wanted to know who the perfectionist was in our house lol.
You were a math whiz - remember all the math speed tests you had to take and how you thought tapping your pencil on the table and jumping up and down made you do them faster lol. Your first challenge came when you were in the magnet program at school and on the first day of school your teacher told the class she never gives out "A"s. Well, you were hell bent on being the only one in your class to get straight "A"s in her class and you acomplished that with high honors from your teacher as being the first one to ever get straight "A"s from her. (I was so proud of all your hard work).
You grew up too fast Nikki, one day you were my little girl the next day you were going to homecoming. You had such a bright future ahead of you - the world lost a hell of alot the day you decided to take your life. It's been so hard on every one. Today, 1 year later, I sat outside with Casey on the patio and held her as she cried so hard for a long time. She misses you so much, and she needs you so badly, she cant understand why you chose to leave us. You were her best friend, Nikki and I know you were looking down at her curled up in my arms like a baby and crying right along with her.
You just dont know how badly you hurt us all. A part of us died with you. Your memory lives on in our hearts but our lives will never be the same. Casey doesnt understand why her life has to be so hard. Tomorrow is her 15th birthday and her memory is of planning your funeral last year on her birthday, instead of celebrating her special day. I tried so hard to be strong for her and Erin today, and Im trying to concentrate on making sure this year Casey has a wonderful birthday. I know thats what you would have wanted. I know you didnt mean to hurt us like you did honey, I know you felt as if dying was going to solve all your problems and end the pain you were in, but it was just the start of ours.
I remember at your wake, when I first approached your casket, I was crying so hard that one of my tears landed on your cheek and it looked like you were crying right along with me and that broke my heart and I have never been the same since. Erin misses you so much also, she talks about you all the time and wishes things could of been different with you and her. I know you two loved each other and I remind her of that every day, but you would be proud of her Nikki, she has grown up so much in the last year and is doing a great job of being the big sister now (you know she always hated being the middle child, lol)
She and Casey have become very close, and she watches out for her so you dont have to worry, she is going through alot right now also but she still is there for her and Im so proud of her for that. She is going to Mentor high school and is taking early childhhod classes - she wants to be a teacher and she is doing great at that. Casey is in High school, and is working so hard. She is probably one of the strongest people I know and has been a great comfort to me as we have been a comfort to each other. I think she wants to live on a farm (at least thats what she said today) since she loves animals, and wants to be a vet when she graduates.
Me, Nikki, Im trying so hard to make sense of losing you, and Im trying so hard to make sure that nothing happens to your sisters. I wake up everyday thinking about you wondering what you would be doing, I see you traveling the world and seeing all those great places we always talked about. I see you singing into your wodden spoon with Johnny Cash, lol. I have to choose to see you that way rather than remember what happened. I miss you my angel, and I know you are watching over us, laughing with us crying with us, and you will live on forever through us. I will make sure the world never forgets there was a Nicole Marie Vance in it and what a wonderful loving person she was.
I Love you Nikki, with all my heart and soul, and my life will never be the same without you honey, but I will never stop loving you just because you are in heaven instead of here on earth with me. You are my bright shining sun that rises every morning, and the beautiful colors of each and every sunset, I see you in everything that is beautiful in this world. You were a wonderful daughter Nicole, and I am so proud to be your mother, and I will see you again soon, and when I do and Im done holding you we are going to have a little chit-chat lol.
I love you my daughter, always will.
1 year gone but never to be forgotten
Author notes
Today is the one year anniversary of my daughters suicide and I needed to get a few things off my chest. Its long sorry for that.
Written October 5th, 2006
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Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I have tears in my eyes. I can imagine the pain you are in and I am so sorry that you have to feel it everyday. You're daughter is precious, she is beautiful. I mourn with you for her. I do.
XOXOX *hugs* Criss -
i am so very sorry for your loss, i know that is a hollow sounding remark, words are so useless when trying to bury a grief as large as yours so i will offer my tears instead, praying that they might mingle with yours in some river, some day. you have my most profound respect, blessings and best wishes, ~richard
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OMG... MoMmA, that made me bawl, im glad u got that off your chest and not kept it built up.. It was very beautiful reading that.. I really enjoyed reading your emotions n ur daughters emotions.. Im glad you guys all have so many memories to remember her by instead of bad ones.. Its always wonderful to see beautiful things and see her in them.. Beautiful is a wonderful word.. Im glad to see you guys are doing a lil bit better.. Keep your head up high and just smile, thats what she would want you guys to.. I love you and i loved reading that it was very WONDERFUL...
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I can't even begin to imagine the pain you have been dealing with. I have one daughter, and I don't think I would be as strong as you have been if anything happened to her. Your letter is heartbreaking to read. I hope that you have found some peace since writing this.
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Inside my heart
You know, the other night I sat down and wrote a letter to Lisa...
Isn't it funny how we can feel them? I can't even, won't even try to understand how you might feel.
That hole inside you, God, I honestly don't know how you have done it. But then on the other hand I do.
You have two other beautiful girls.
You are a pillar of strength.
You might not want to believe that. I know I haven't felt that way about myself. But others see it in you.
Thats what brought you that beautiful gift to begin with.
We were both blessed for a time. God Honey ..
From my broken heart to yours..
Always,
Cat
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I have not lost any of my children so I cannot say that I know how you feel. I thought of doing something like this on the anniversary of my fathers death. He was my best friend. I do know some of the pain and I can admit that I cried when I read this. I hope that writing this all down helped you at least a tiny bit and that you and your other children can fianlly start to let some of the healing take place.. Thank you for allowing some of us that you do not know read such a personal letter.
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So hard, Suzanne, so very hard. I still can't begin to imagine what it must be like, and I can't believe it's been a year already. I never met Nikki, never heard her voice, never saw her - but I'll never forget her. It's amazing sometimes how strong and resiliant we can be, even when we think we can't.
Love and blessings to all of you.
Paul -
Hey sweet lady, this is wonderful. I love how you shared all the little things about her, even though I doubt that is even half of it. Know that you are in my thoughts, always!! IM me with when it would be good to give you a call. It's been to long.. Athena
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MY TEARS FELL ALONG WITH YOURS
I have no words to say my dear friend, I just want you to know that as I read your letter my tears fell along beside yours.
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Ahh I would be lieing if I said I did not shed a tear
I am glad to see you pen your feelings,
writing is healing, I can only pray that you and your other daughters heal with the passing of the years,
and I wish each of you this, your love for all of your daughters
show within this write, and I applude you for sharing this with us all,
Warm hugz across the miles. from my home to yours
Frozentearz -
Oh! My dear friend! This is so good. I am tearfully happy that you were able to pen all of this. I read every word and my heart stirs with yours. I will not attest that I know how deeply these sentiments ring in your spirit. I just want you to know you have a trusted friend in me. I am near, very near, literally and if you ever need me to hold you, hug you, just listen...I am right here, arms reach away.
Please hug both daughters but with a special hug warm the spirit of Casey. I commend you on this Suzeecue. I don't know if I would be able to do the same. You will always have Nikki with you. A mother never forgets a laugh, a gesture, a touch...our children linger forever. You know I pray for you without ceasing. I look at this writ and know that you are a phenomenal woman, and you did all you could for your child...you do all you can for your children. Of times when they become of age (that differs from child to child) they make decisions that haunt us. Please know, as Deena expressed, "you did nothing wrong, don't be sorry for anything".
The strength you exhibit helps all of us dear lady. May the God of ALL, great and small be your strong pillar today and always.
I LOVE YOU ♥
Renee
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mhmmmm you amde me cry.. i know partly of how you feel my brother commited sucide so far hardest 4 months of my life.... tell casey i said happy b-day even though she dnt know me.. your always loved by sumone also that to casey
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Oh my god...I started crying when I read this. I'm still crying. I'm so sorry about your daughter. I'm 17, and don't have kids, but I still couldn't imagine the pain, especially with how you lost your daughter. I'm so sorry. You are a very brave woman, to post this piece. It is definately the most personal one I have ever read. It's beautiful and so heart wrenching. I have so much respect for you after reading this piece. It's beautiful. Please tell Casey I said Happy Birthday (even though she doesn't have a clue who I am lol).
<3 Vixx -
Don't be sorry for anything,Suzanne,ever. I am glad to see you letting it out. Venting what you have felt for 365 days. Nikki is very much alive in your life,in your family and in the hearts of the many that love her.
I fought the urge all day to call you,to give you and Casey a day without a ringing phone to steal your attention. I hope you found your peace today and that you can now begin the process of living again. You are allowed,you know,as hard as it is....life goes on.
I love you and my heart is with you tonight,tomorrow and always,so get used to it!
As Always,
Deena
Happy Birthday,Casey
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