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Misery's Victim

 



A devastated soul drifting in an ocean of death

Final plea for deliverance cried out with its last breath

A masked soul who’s indescribable pain shall remain unknown

For it is this pain that slowly eroded its heart made of stone

 

Years stricken with uncertainties and tormented by lies

The worst trauma being the agony of wearing a disguise

This prevaricator’s fate was sealed when the day came

When the emotions disintegrated into hell’s flame


  This horrific story of a soul’s end in sorrow is one of many

For countless decide emotions are as worthless as a penny

A life and death battle for emotions is fought internally

Why do you choose to become misery’s victim eternally?



by Sharcu (Tim)

Author notes

List of words used (shown in italics in poem):
Devastated
Deliverance
Erode
Stricken
Trauma
Prevaricator
Disintegrated
Internally

I looked over the choices of titles and words and slowly started to produce this. From the first line I was inspired by the title "Oceans of Red" by I guess it sort of changed around so this title seemed to suit the poem better. This would be my first poem written using a list of words as inspiration. Also, I know that the idea of wearing a mask is an overused idea and is really cliche, but I tried to write this poem in such a way so that more than just "another mask poem".

Though I would like to say this isn't a personal poem, it sort of it. But I'm sure almost every poet on this site can relate. This isn't entirely personal, though... I'm not a drifting soul. But often I feel like I have to hide my emotions, even when in a group of friends, which slowly kills me. When I began to write this, I had no idea where it would lead me. But it seems to have taken me through a journey into my own soul to pull these words together.

I like what resulted from this write and I hope that as a reader of the poem, you did as well. Thanks for taking the time to read
Written October 4th, 2006

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 28 of 28

  • undertones
    February 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    and, you've been hood-winked.

    first of all--- WOAH--- about the picture. It made me jump when I clicked the link for this write---- which completely added to the effect of this poem. Still, WOAH.

    As far as the poem itself, I was completely take away by it. Truly powerful, gripping and I couldn't stop reading until the end! How awful this sounds! You did such a great job of letting the reader get right into that feeling of suffering and hopelessness. WOw, really. Just a great job.

    Happy Hoodwink!


  • Fug-azi
    November 2, 2006

    Edit | Reply

    Perfect

    Well what a word bank that is and to say you have done the words justice would be a great under-statement.
    I think this is one of the greatest pieces I have EVER read here on AP.

    I've read a number of your pieces and must say I love your style, your word choices and the images you create .. but this is just something else.

    If I could applaud you many times I would.


  • Lionslove silver member
    October 31, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    wow....incredible!

    I dare not lessen the depth and heart of this write by offering a technical critique. You know more about writing than I do. That being said, I also do not believe in meaningless praise to gain friends and keep everyone happy. Nor do I believe in picking a piece apart that surpasses the technical and has instantly placed itself in another higher realm,...and thus, should be responded to accordingly.

    With that in mind, I say only this: the impact of this write is astounding. It is my sincere hope that many read this, and it is my opinion that this should be featured, so that many can read...and read "right" - between the lines, although the meaning is clear to me, this write has achieved a powerful common truth of the battle that lies within, as you have stated. Mercy to those, who I have been one at many times in my life, that have, perhaps from abuse, growing up without proper direction and care, love, etc....and understanding that even the "healthy" in mind, heart and soul, will release their pride of defense, and open their soul and mind to a larger reality - and the truth that, even if played the victim with a mask, will come to see that it is a CHOICE.

    Thankyou for sharing this powerful piece, that is also a work of art in it's content and display.

    All the best...............................Lionslove

  • Thedragonisgone
    October 31, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Eeww! Eerie and grippinng.
    The words flow well and it doesn't seem you've stretched too thin on use of word bank words. eroded its heart made of stone. Using it instead of he just adds to the zombie quality of this write.
    Perfect for this time of year.


  • TripleGoddess
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I thought that the italics were just to emphasize words, but then I realized that it was, but not for the reason I initially thought. Tim, this is a really nice piece. Even though it was to show the words you've used from the word bank, I think the italica emphasized the vocabulary. Your poem is wonderful, and as always your image and background are amazing. The picture kind of creeps me out, so it gets me in the mood for Halloween.
    Blessings, Skye.


  • grannyeri gold member
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Any time we have a list of words I think the outcome is limited, unless the writer used these words with meanings that are not common or archaic. Liked what you did with the words given, and the picture suits this too. Some good comments above, hope that they all help us as well as yourself.


  • -LilacThOughts- gold member
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    wonderful piece...

    You have created a deep visual, but also sensitive poem that sent shivers through me at one point... there is no dislike about the mask bit on my part, I couldn't have describe it any better than you have... if you take away the mask then I believe you would lose something...I think the commentor way up there was trying to be too technical, I agree there are ways of tightening a poem up by taking out the little words, though more important in form poetry, but at the end of the day, does it really matter? What is important is how it comes from you, if you try to take this out and that now, from this well expressed piece, I think you will lose sense of what was going through your mind when you wrote it and sacrifice the emotion side of it...

    Even though this is a word list poem, I think you have written it very thoughtfully, you have achieved an entertaining piece of work, it has drama, it kept my attention and I wished there had been more of it...

    The first line is very dramatic and pulled me in straight away and I think many of us can even relate to it in some way or another...or knows someone like it...

    'A masked soul who’s indescribable pain shall remain unknown' ...this line reminds me of what I am going through right now in my own life... I am still in deep grief over the loss of my brother, yet life in some way has to carry on, and it gets to a point as time passes that you have to pretend in someway that you are ok, when really your not, soooooo this is when the mask comes in handy for me it's helpful in many ways in particular because it makes you get on and do things that I wouldn't do without it...except in my case, my heart is not of stone, but I like the idea of what you are saying here...

    Although wearing a mask to many is a way of keeping afloat covering their insecurities, it does have the down side of having your truest feelings of hurt being buried and that's not healthy and this line reminds me of that 'When the emotions disintegrated into hell’s flame'

    The last stanza makes me feel quite sad because although I'm not like it myself, there are those who wallow in misery and those who just don't give a damn about how you feel...

    A good write, I think you did exceptionally well with the word list given, your subjest matter wasn't all over the place as happens sometimes with this type of ispiration, you kept it all together, and the background and pic both helped to set the mood...

    I may have construed this completly in a different direction to what you intended but that is the beauty of poetry and the mind of the reader...I enjoyed this very much.

    Love and smiles to you bro
    ~sis






  • Lauren Noir
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Well....Wow
    What a write. You broke the cliche in such a brilliant original way. A true work of art
    The image at the top worked really well, it fitted in with the saddness of this poem. A beautifully emotional piece, I find it hard to write about something that isn't personal, not in such depth and beauty
    You made an exellent job
    Well done, amazing write

  • Susan E. Pennycuff
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Well this was certainly not just another mask write. As a matter of fact, I would not of even thought of that if was not for your authors comments. This was one great write dear. Keep up the good work.
    Hugs, Suzi


  • StarEyes
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, Tim this is just breathtaking and fantastic!!!!!!!!!! Even the mask, cliche seemed to fit sooooooo well that I really didn't notice it! Great write!


  • ShelleyA gold member
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Hi Tim. A beautiful write and presentation. Lovely imagery, flow, rhyme and tone. Deep expression of emotion. Exceptional descriptives. Lovely metaphor. Well crafted and much enjoyed read. Shelley


  • Arkbear gold member
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    great write ~

    ~Great picture btw Tim.
    I had to read this twice for sure. ~
    Every sentence was deep enough to make me slow down for this write.~
    Nice word bank as well.
    ~Well done buddy ~
    the Bear ~
    John ~

  • gaerielle
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Totally Inspired :)

    tim - this poem is very mesmerizing, gracious also in a way. Regarding the style, i am not fussy since i don't believe in poetry rules - love the free style My impressions of your poem was a a stranger within. Sometime we are unaware of its function but it is important that you get to know him better, because if you do, he could become your best friend. To be truly happy, you must be sincere with the inside stranger. Very strong wordings you are using, very rich If you have a self-image behind your face, it's the one of your mind that you can't escape, you realize or not. I feel thru words like eroded, desintegrated, internally = to me the heart beat of a mind, like a built-in clock that ticks away hours of sorrow.. or happiness depending your emotional thermostast that regulates your behavior. A misery's victim whoever it is, is an opinion of yourself, successes and failures. You use "trauma" as well, very strong, images of worry and fear.. If you enhance the stranger within as your best friend who now encourages you to reach your true stature of dignity and fulfillment, the point to remember is the stranger within does not rule you. You rule him, with creativity and compassion Napoleon said None but myself did me any harm. Well Tim, you inspire me a great deal. Thank you poet!! Love and Blessings.
    Edited on Oct 30, 11:28 because ''.

  • Poet4theSpirit
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    could use a little more work

    Hi Tim,
    you did a very good job, although I think when our limits are confined and the use of certains word need to be used in a poem it changes the true flow. You use (its) refering several
    times ( with a last breath)/ (for this pain slowly eroded)/ (end in sorrow one of many) leaving out some of the smaller words, tightens up the poem and makes it more consice.I think it is essential for a young poet to get feedback, not all cudos. We need constructive critism, and the critic must come from a professional with some writing skils learned through reading and time in the field. I have found many AP poets new and in need of a guide.
    Please do not take my critic as a slam, I'm providing what has been given to me for the last 17 years to futher my abilities and skills. Poetry takes a huge amount of time and years invested in writing, so much to learn.

    You are doing an awesome job here at AP. I think the focus needs to more centered on the craft of poetry.

    I've made only a suggestion here. Thank you


  • Frogzter gold member
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Tim, I think we all can relate to this one! a wonderfully intense piece! Nice rhyme and flow with a story that rings of truth! Thanks for sharing it!
    Blessings,
    Frog


  • -Ink Artist-
    October 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Truly deep and intense piece, Tim! Not once while reading this did I feel the "masked cliche's" that I often read in pieces such as this. It's a gripping and captivating look into a sorrowed soul. You've created a marvelous write from the word bank! Insightful regardless if not personal. Very well done!

    ~Lori~

  • OurxBeginning
    October 13, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This is very deep and I can relate to some of this and you really went indepth with this. The words you chose fit perfectly. Short but gets straight to the point. Thank you for entering and good luck.

    x~Shotgun


  • RevHead
    October 9, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    this was an interesting poem... it was very true of people, and very emotionally deep... but i dont know... it kinda didnt catch me very much.... aside from my personal opinion, it was a great write NMNM

  • HoldMe
    October 5, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    This is a very good poem, very nice, and even though the idea of mask is cliche (although I've probably used it a million times) to me the masked soul or whatever you've described in this is still pulled off really, really good without seeming like totally, umeaningfully cliche if you understand what I mean. Anyways, this is just totally awesome!


  • Wolfdog silver member
    October 4, 2006
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    Superb/Fun/Intriguing/Unique

    A very good write indeed. I liked it just as it is.

  • Forgotten
    October 4, 2006
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    great write. it has a good flow and alot of meaning and emotion in it, keepup the good work

    beck

  • Zombie Chicken
    October 4, 2006
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    wow, very nice poem. From just given a list of words, you did a pretty good job. It would have taken me at least an hour to do that. good job

  • OctoberRain
    October 4, 2006
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    This is beautiful. I think this poem is about death. Death is the one thing that our society hides from. We should embrace it because each of us will meet it!


  • HekatesMinion
    October 4, 2006
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    I have been in the situation where I there emotions were worth nothing. Oftentimes I still curse myself for having them, as more often than not they just lead to heart. The picture you picked was worth a thousand words all in itself. You awesome write made it even moreso better. Great Job. Merry Part and Blessed Be.

  • Lisa Haslett
    October 4, 2006
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    Great poem

    Great work,I liked it!Keep writing,The picture goes good with the words!Have a nice night!Lisa K Haslett Raytown Missouri!


  • Dolphin Shaktiheart
    October 4, 2006
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    A brilliant piece that shows a depth of suffering and agony, yet also cries out to love for redemption


  • Entwining Beauty
    October 4, 2006
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    wow what a very depth poem. the wording was amazing the wwhole poem drew me in the more i read the more i loved i wish you luck in the contest


  • snipple
    October 4, 2006
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    This is an amazing poem. I can definitly relate. Everyone sees me as the happiest most sun shiney person of the group, but if only they knew. On the inside I'm probably the most miserable, depressed person.But oh well... Maybe I'll change and stop hiding.... I truly loved it!

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