So softly I thought I was dreaming.
Scorpion steps tap lightly
‘cross uneasy panes
of skin. Smoothly
laid out, cuts
melt over
life and
death
and
us.
I
did
soak
broken
promises
into tubs of
fetid thoughts-
rankled resistance
washed all that remain
of our fragility; our innocence.
So shattered I thought I was dreaming.
When darkness dissolves, it ticks
ticks, ticks to desolation.
I never liked Camus
happiness flees
we’re mortal
& stupid
& still
love
all.
A
dot,
some
distance-
a loneliness-
these horizons
are like tomorrows
carving notches out of
good intentions. Courage
crumbles in a cradle of whispers
So comforted I thought I was dreaming.
Author notes
Written October 4th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Shape of Impact by Gossamer Guile.
900 points, ended December 20, 2007, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Nasty by babygirl2582.
450 points, ended August 7, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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.........WOW
Beautifuly written...Good luck!
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Wow. I love the way you drew together the title and poem. Very soft, and catching. The shape too is very interesting. Well done.
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very unique shape, interesting. Fab poem to, good luck!
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What a cool form you've used here! very nicely done. I especially like the repetition used with the "So ... I thought I was dreaming." I'm very glad I got to read this, but I must ask: how does this relate to my contest? I'd love to have this question answered before I close it... Or I don't know how it will even stand a chance.
Thanks for your entry, though.
xXx
Marieke -
Many themes going on here at once. Unease, Loss of Innocence, and the Comfort of a mind's resolution are the easiest to pick out. This mind, your mind I assume, seems to perceive the ordinary in an extraordinary way, and this poem reflects that. I did think I picked up a bit of regret there too. Maybe a longing for confusion, wishing that you didn't understand so much, so well.
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excellent
this is unbelievable, how you've managed to do this without making it look forced is incredible, very well done indeed,
excellent,
floorboards.
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How on earth did you get this poem to be so symmetrical and curving, David? Must have taken you quite some time! It reminds me of the cradle of a dune, but of a real cradle too, but then again, it also points to the ups and downs of life, the swinging to and fro of life and love’s pendulums....a poetic lullaby of sorts; in and out of a dream. There is something soft-spoken about this poem, yet it also carries a “bittersweetness”, a brokenness, a loss of some kind. I liked the depth of this poem – so many of us can relate to it – and all to well! You’ve applied the chosen dune-fragment very well and gave it your own voice. I can’t decide if the layout adds or distracts from the depth of the poem, but it does something to the reader, that’s for sure! Thank you for this lovely entry that seems to swing to and fro in the mind and the eyes.
~ Nicolette
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soaking in dirty water... ughh that's not a good idea..
I can't decide whether i like the fancy layout or not.. i think it's clever and must have taken some working out.. but one part of my brain wants to say... noooo!! it's cliched and twee... reason being.. I think it distracts from some of the fine wording and phrasing you've used
and all the reader sees is a fancy pattern
(only my thoughts hun)
notches out of good intentions.. also a good line.. but seems a little redundant after all the to'ing and fro'ing
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