They asked for my name,
and I gave them my address
on the back of the asylum brochure-
Robotic nuns preach the evils of
loud music, sports cars, fried dough,
the ten o clock news and camisole bras-
Salvation came in
low-fat, carb-free, 100 calorie packs,
I said I'd take my chances-
They sighed over plasticine pasta,
baptising maraschino cherries
and converting the nurses,
I figured seconds on dessert
wouldn't hurt and let chocolate
pave the way to nirvana.
Author notes
"David's Night" www.artinconte xt.org/LISTING S/IMAGES/FULL/ S/090XFP2S.htm
Written September 30th, 2006
A contest entry
- In short.... Abstract. by -ButterflyCuts-.
300 points, ended October 2, 2006, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I'm sorry- I read that poem and tried to comment, but I didn't understand some of it- I will do back and try harder. Hmmm- which were you reading as anorexic, the nuns, nurses or narrator?
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I love the flippancy of this, the unapologetic anorexic outlook, evil fried dough and camisole bras, LOL. I have to really reach to think of how they may be sinful, but that's exactly what a robotic nun would do..very entertaining! Hey, you popped in on Kryptonite programming a few minutes ago, it hasn't gotten any comments and I wonder if I completely missed the boat with that one...did you like it? anyway, I like your tone!
dk -
Catholic School, insane asylum, whats the big differance? Ha ha, thank you! Pip pip to you too... (are you hyper? you sound very hyper. I'm eatting my fifth cookie of the day and it's only, what 2:30? so I'm going to join the ranks of the sugar high any second now...)
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Anytime.. this looks fantastic
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WTF? This is weird. I love it, but it's weird. The same way I love you!
MUA. Ok. Ummmmmmmmm. I like the second stanza, and it kind of makes me think of my mom's horror stories from Catholic school. Well, pip pip, tally ho.
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You're right about the capitals, and thanks for the suggustion of where to put breaks for stanzas. That works well, just sticking them where the thoughts break.
Hee hee Glad you helped me!
But I think I'm going to leave Salvation capitalized... I just like it better with the capital there.
Edited on Oct 01, 7:28 because 'whhhheeeeee!!!'. -
they asked for my name,
and I gave them my address
on the back of the asylum brochure-
robotic nuns preach the evils of
loud music, sports cars, fried dough,
the ten o clock news and camisole bras-
salvation came in
low-fat, carb-free, 100 calorie packs,
I said I'd take my chances-
they sighed over plasticine pasta,
baptising maraschino cherries
and converting the nurses,
I figured seconds on dessert
wouldn't hurt and let chocolate
pave the way to nirvana.
I'd definitly get rid of the caps as well. That was a great explanation. Thankyou x -
Wow, thank you!
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I really don't know. It seemed to me like a kind of 'lunchbreak with lunatics' thing going on in the center, but the outside was very calm and controled. The first three lines and last three I got while staring at the painting and I started writing and let it flow between. I was thinking of stanzas, but I can't decide where to put them without inturupting the poem. Any suggustions?
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Hmm, how did you get this from the painting?
I do really like it, though it would really benefit from stanza's
Jess -
i... adore this. i was going to enter this and i just love love LOVE this piece. *bows down to you*
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