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A deacon's lot

When the Cardinal declares a visitation,
When the Bishop sends the auditors around,
And the Parish Council's wracked with consternation
For last year's accounts are nowhere to be found -
Say, who is this proclaiming: "Holy Mother,
They'll have me in my grave before I'm done!"?
Taking one consideration with another,
A Deacon's lot is not a happy one!
With parochial finances to be done,
A Deacon's lot is not a happy one!

When the Ladies' Guild is riven by a quarrel
About who's to clean the brass in Holy Week,
When the laundry sends the albs back dyed pale coral,
And the font has sprung another hidden leak,
And the organist proclaims that he will smother
The next choirboy who sneaks in a phaser gun!-
Taking one consideration with another,
A Deacon's lot is not a happy one!
With liturgical arrangements ill-begun,
A Deacon's lot is not a happy one!

When the Over-60's Club breaks out in riot
(For the 'alcohol-free' punch was clearly not!),
When the confirmands use words a trooper'd shy at,
And a Child of Mary's busted smoking pot,
And the sacristan is howling that his brother
Is on his way to Gretna with a nun -
Taking one consideration with another,
A Deacon's lot is not a happy one!
For when counselling commitments he can't shun,
A Deacon's lot is not a happy one!

But he reads in 'Acts' of how his order started
To do the chores for which priests have no time,
And he thinks about St Stephen, cruelly martyred
(Although that, alas, is not a perfect rhyme!)
And he knows that though he flee as far as Suther-
Land, from his destiny he cannot run,
For take one consideration with another,
A Deacon's lot is not a happy one!
And since there is nothing new beneath the sun,
It will never, never be a happy one!

Author notes



This is, as I am sure most Allpoetry members will recognize, will recognize, a parody of Gilbert and Sullivan's "A Policeman's Lot.." (from "The Pirates of Penzance".



As you will see, several of the allusions here are specifically R.C. However, I think most of them will be comprehensible to members of other faiths or none. It may be relevant to mention, though, that the "Children of Mary" is a religious sodality for girls (from 14 years old upwards) and unmarried women - and that the full-length robe called an "alb" is - as its name implies (from Latin "albus") supposed to be WHITE.

And for those not familiar with UK traditions - Gretna Green - the first village across the Scottish border on the main highway from England - was the traditional destination of eloping couples from England. Although the marriage laws have long since been changed (so that runaways from England can no longer marry as soon as they arrive in Scotland) the idiom of "running off to Gretna" still remains.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • upperworld06
    February 16

    Edit | Reply
    lol i love the part about the phaser gun. nice job, fits well with ths song. good luck in the contest


  • Silver Asylum
    September 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    LoL!

    I'm sorry but the line "And a Child of Mary's busted smoking pot" was too funny...it just made the whole poem, you could've just written that if you wanted to, lol. It was a fantastically (hmmm, maybe a word?)written poem, well done and good luck in the contest

    ~*~Zenity

    ****


  • Shya
    June 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Lol!

    (excuse my chatspeak)

    This made me laugh too! I don't think that it's irreverent or unsuitable, since you aren't really saying anything bad about religion. I love lines 5-6, 15-16, 25-26, and the allusion in line 39. You're awesome at writing funny poems... I wish I knew how to write them. Thanks for entering!


  • waydownuponjoy
    April 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Yes, Yes ...

    another fun parody of G & S ... and you seem to have an astute eye for turning them around and over and presenting a whole new stage! Very nice work here. joy

  • Judith Chandler
    February 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is quite entertaining and I don't think it's just because The Polceman's Lot is one of my favourite G & S pieces. Lots of entertaining allusions, even for Protestants.

    Thank you for entering.


  • Midnight-Engaged
    September 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    this was amusing, and i love the idea. I don't think I want to be a deacon, that's for sure!


  • Jonathan ROBIN
    February 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    A....Musing

    Although I believe I have seen this before it remains as fresh as the day it was written


  • magik hawk
    September 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    lol, i like this one alot, i dont know what half of it meant, but it was funny what i did understand..


  • dreamdragon6484
    September 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Great

    This poem is great as is all your work. Hope you keep the words flowing. I also hope and pray that God will keep you on the healing path.
    God bless


  • lyna05
    September 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful Work

    I love this poem it is wonderfully written I love your work it is great. I love to read your work. Your poems are so wonderfully written and everything. Great job.


  • Toni A Christman
    September 29, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Oh Vera! How could someone not enjoy this lovely parody? I will be chuckling for a good time to come. I am very happy to see such humor from you. You are brilliant and your work is magnificent! Best, Toni

1 - 11 of 11