Falling Apart

Falling apart

Dear diary,

Tonight I dreamed I was a star

And I was flying through space

To fall down sweetly on your face

Like snowflakes in your hair

Like diamonds

Then gone


I can’t hold on to myself

Time passes before I realize its here

And I’m not cut out for this


You were my rock

But I crushed you

and now you’re sand under my hands

and you can’t help me anymore

on my knees under this tree

please don’t forsake me


they’ll never see

but it’s burning inside of me

do I deserve to be alone?

Save my life

What life?

Addiction

Compulsion

Contradiction

Destruction

Self destruction


Tell me I need to let go

But don’t tell me how

I told you goodbye and I meant it

But I need you to save me

Does that make me selfish

So much to lose

And yet nothing

My hair is trailing in the cool grass

Smooth green blades against the black strands

Help me be me


I’m screaming, clawing, pounding to get out

My fingers are bleeding

My voice is hoarse

But I’ve gone unheard

Unhelped

Alone


Judge my value by my income

Judge my worthiness by my willingness

To conform

Tell me how I should be

Should I bow before you

Should I sacrifice myself

Should I die

For you


Rage blinds me

Scares me, finds me

Hides inside of me


The scars on my body

Are a map of my sorrows

They tell my story

In all it’s beauty and tragedy

They are not something to be ashamed of

For you to hold against me


When will you come take me away

I’ve been waiting so long

Come take me

Far away


So much love wasted

Given indiscriminately, innocently

Use me, hurt me, fuck me, kill me

Leave me


I want to paint your picture

Show you how beautiful you are

To me

But I try and I can’t do you justice

My hands covered in black and red

But you are not in there

Instead what comes out is

Rage

Black and red slashes of pain and anger

RAGE

Rage for what you did to me
What you didn’t do
What you said you’d do
What you did to her

RAGE RAGE

I can’t see you through the red
my cries are drowned out in the black
My screams, as silent as death
As helpless as a child
The danger in the dark

On my knees under this tree
Weeping willow
Hide me from myself
Wracked with sobs

Despair holds my hand

But is no comfort

My rock is now sand under my hands

I try to put you back together, but a million little pieces

Just slip through my fingers

As I watch, despondent


Where will I go?

Who will save me?

Help me live

I seem to have forgotten how

I’ve been existing for so long

Show me

Please

I had a moment of clarity

I knew I was strong

Able

Willing

…stable

but then I slipped, fell

and it shattered

a million little pieces

and I can’t fix it

not alone, not by myself


how DARE you

have done this to me

your words, your actions, your inactions

have shaped my whole fucking “life”

how DARE you
have made me feel this way

what RIGHT do you have

to make me hate myself

to take away my will to live

to promise me everything

and leave me with NOTHING

to make me hate you so much

and yet make me twisted enough to love you

HOW DARE YOU

All my screams, unheard
All my fears, dismissed
All my love, refused

Fuck you


Where did I go wrong

Where was the wrong turn

I knew I should have made that left

But you said go right

And I trusted you

I trusted you

Sick sick sick

I’m SICK

So go ahead

Use me
Abuse me
Fuck me
Leave me

Hold me down
I can’t move
Tell me I belong to you
Violate me

You remember that don’t you

Scream, scream, scream
I screamed so much for so long
Till my voice gave out

And you, laying on top of me,
Didn’t even hear

How can I expect anyone else to?

So take me away

Kidnap me, take me

Take me somewhere far away

Where faeries flit and gnomes roam

Where no one will find us

Where we can just lay here
And forget the world

If not

Give me another pill

Another drink

Another razor

Because I can’t live like this

Pressure pressing down on my head

The snowflakes and stars are gone

Blackness surrounds

Whispers in the dark

You have to do this

You have to do that

You should, you must

You can’t live like this

…no kidding

feeling worthless now

I take up too much space

Try to pull me into myself

But to no avail

My obsessions, my compulsions

Rule the day

Sleep is my only reprieve

Take me away, please

Please take me away

I need relief

I need to feel real

But I want to feel unreal

No motivation, no reason to get up

Wallow in my own despair

You knew all along somehow


There’s something very wrong about this

Take advantage of me

The joke is on me
Was always on me

But manipulation was key

And I let you

I wanted you to love me

Instead you used me

And I settled for that

How can I escape you?

When you’re even in my dreams

Need more wine


I’m a failure
Can you still love me?
Can anyone?

I’m weak
Would you still believe in me?
Would anyone?

I’m worthless
Will you still stay with me?
Will anyone?

I look in the mirror and I’m surprised
Should be able to see through me by now

I’m insubstantial, like an apparition
There isn’t much to me

Why can you see me?
Don’t look at me

Tonight I had a dream

That I was a star

And I was shooting through space

And everyone looked and thought I was beautiful

But you said “that’s not a star

That’s an imposter, a fake”

And they all called me names

And threw things at me

And I fell…

And what is a fallen star?

Is it still celestial?

Or is it just the ashes of what could have been