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I Never Expected...

I never expected so soft your kiss,
I never expected this pure, giddy bliss.

I never expected to smile so gay,
I never expected to feel this way.

I never expected you to ask to dance,
I never expected this kind of romance.

I never expected the candy and rose,
I never expected the highs without lows.

I never expected this feeling of joy,
I never expected with my heart you could toy.

I never expected life to be so true,
but then I never expected to fall for you.

Author notes


Written September 27th, 2006

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  • Exit-Stage-Right
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey Ici...

    Pronouns and Their Abuse is a book I should be writing. While there is practical use for repeating the pronoun I in a poem which you want to give a self-centered appearance, it does little in a poem such as this which ought to spotlight the object of your affection.

    As a first attempt at a rewrite I would remove just about half of the I's like:
    -------------------------------------
    I never expected so soft your kiss,
    never expected this pure, giddy bliss.

    I never expected to smile so gay,
    never expected to feel this way.

    I never expected you to ask [me?] to dance,
    never expected this kind of romance.

    I never expected the candy and rose,
    never expected the highs without [the] lows.

    I never expected this feeling of joy,
    never expected with my heart you could toy.

    I never expected life to be so true,
    but then I never expected to fall for you.
    -------------------------------------

    Secondly, you will run across contests on this site that specify "no pedestrian rhyme". That is sort of a condescending reference to single syllable rhyme like gay/way, rose/lows, joy/toy and true/you.
    -------------------------------------

    Lastly, the second line in this couplet:

    I never expected this feeling of joy,
    never expected [with my heart you could toy.]

    The [with my heart you could toy.] phrase is called an inversion... it's the inverted form of [you could toy with my heart.] By inverting to accomodate the joy/toy rhyme you have now commited the unpardonable sin of "forced rhyme"!!! EGAD!!!
    -------------------------------------

    Well, you can delete this comment if you don't want it under your poem, (trust me, I understand) just know the critique is kindly meant and hopefully will give you some insight into how other poets will be viewing your work.

    (Throwing some clappies on to help you out with points!)

  • DarkOne24
    September 27, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Cuplets of delight. Simple wonderful beautiful poem.