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heartbreak

when life gets to be to much
to much for my heart to bear
I will not give up
I will keep going
You see the tears flowing
as the tears run down my face
from my eyes to my chest
my blood flowing from the hole in my heart
caused by the betrayal of my friends
i will not give up
i must keep going
as i cry
as my heart breaks
I will not give up
I must keep going
the pain getting to be to much
my heart trying to
put itself back together
so broken and tattered
with almost no hope left
so i walk on
i don't give up
with the tears flowing from my eyes
i cry
as i fight
not to die

Author notes

please be truthful and critical
Written September 27th, 2006

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Comments

  • Philogos gold member
    September 27, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I do prefer that. Keeps the mood of the poem from feeling sorry for itself.

    vic

  • Hurtheart
    September 27, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    is that better i changed it a bit at the end

  • Philogos gold member
    September 27, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Hi, I preferred the sencse of determination at the start of the poem, so the descent into depair and death at the end seems a disappointment. I think that you would be better off putting the last three lines earlier in the poem as this would strengthen the sensoe of carrying on in the face of betrayal & cet.

    hope this is helpful

    vic