These fingertips read features, a lover’s intimate language
your breath, a whisper threaded touch.
Time’s red glow enhances night’s textured flux
tangled with light. I watch your shadow unfold
arc, swim to the surface,
leave dreams at the bottom of this ocean.
Kissing finger tips, waking
fires in this heart. Pulling chest to breast,
moaning softly. We swim,
through white sheeted head waters,
leap past the dam to find peace in shaded pools.
The waters of the night
slide with serpentine grace
through galaxies, writhe over stars,
pool in nebulae. Darkness pauses to draw
strength from every black hole, allow light,
planets to slither free from its rivered arms.
A course of vibrant energy, the night tide
rolls out of the hills, fills the valleys,
blankets the plains and gathers the shadows,
rises towering over skyscrapers, crashes against the dawn.
The night flares star-frosted arms,
catches our dreams and weaves promise;
turns us back to the valleys of harvested sleep,
leaves answers pulsed with potency for the quickening light.
I refold dream’s origami, open up to the everyday,
feel the whisper of the last
kiss, shadow my neck
promised passion.
No day passes
when your love
does not
excite me.
2:06 AM
09/26/06
Alexandria, VA
Author notes
My thanks to grm -- he started the revision; Chat noir for her insights and thoughts, Night Hope for all her passion and strength, Klassy Lassy for her lessons and love, Cristoforadream for her thoughts, magic and support. Bless you all. I am blessed for all the support and insights i have received. Love, Tom B. Hi Sarah
Written September 26th, 2006
In a list
- spiritual • next in list
- If I had done as I was told, look at what I would have missed • next in list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 88 of 88
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I am just quenching my thirst with your words. The simplistic idea of love felt, touched and experienced, I just needed another sip
, Love,C
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Just a conversation with the night. Love is full of life.
Love, Tom B.
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The art of sensuality and poetic prowess flows from your pen, my dear friend! NEVER do I read you and think that what I read could have been so much more. You always pour heart and soul into your work and the finished product is exceptionally brilliant.
One phrase in particular stuck out to me in this piece, "I refold dream’s origami, open up to the everyday,
feel the whisper of the last
kiss." That is truly a sublime statement that leaves me breathless. Beautifully written...
~Lori
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You are to kind. Really. I just weave what I feel with what I see. Try to capture, even as imperfectly as I do, a small quotient of the vibrancy that love and touch provide. I would hope, and hope it is, that I can expand and improve our language for talking about the touch and love we receive and give. We need to be more articulate as well as gracious in how we share the joy and delight we find in each other. The more we are able to have conversations about what is rich and good between us the better our world becomes. I truly feel this way. I have found that by becoming more fluid and exquisite in my language of what is good and valuable in my life the more it shows up.
Love, Tom B.
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Great poem. Great imagery, well-expressed, just generally great. It seems like something I might come up with at 2 am, if I was say, a ten times better poet.
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This one was rewritten several times. I often start with pencil and paper, then type it out. Sometimes I re write after a critique or two. My goal is to bring it to life. Sometimes I succeed. This is one of my favorites.
Thank you for shariing your pleasure in this work.
Love, Tom B.
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I am very impressed
the artistry of this peace shows how hard you worked on it..it deserves no less then 3 applauds..Pen on!!
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Thanks. This really is a revisionists dream. Started as a joke and ended up being turned into a true poem. This is also where I made sure it is me and my writing no matter the critics of others. Love, Tom B.
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Wow, you had some of my most admired poets guiding you with this one... And though they shed light onto many aspects of this piece, I still see your stylistic traits shining through.
Especially your ability to use words that appear to be only surface words, and yet they really are so deep, the reader delves in to the bottom staying only an instant before we rush back up to take a breath.... Much like the spiritual and physical encounter of this poem, it just amazes me.
Even more impressive than that effect is that you did it on purpose, which confounds me.. Such well thought-out wording is remarkable, and truly beautiful... This is poetry friend, this is it.
-shirley-
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I do not seek obscurity
I like the simplicity of language I found in Oriental poetry. It was here I found how symbols were the language not the words. The beat poets broke the mold for me in a lot of ways and made me feel that talking about what things meant was most important. Then there was Walt Whitman and Dyland Thomas, Baudelaire, Rambeau, Wallace Stevens, Neruda, and Nicamor Parra. These were my teachers. Clarity was more important than vocabulary. Lyricism paramount. Let your image speak or show (however we say it) for itself. Open doors and draw people inside. It is not just technological skills you express, it is the whole way you hold the world.
This is part of what draws you to my poems. They speak to your heart in a way that it answers naturally. We learn purpose not by being purposeful but by being intent on our focus. Like an athelete learns to think of only what you want to achieve and how you achieve that is by intent and where your attention is. You think about what you want to do not about what you don't want to. Art is much the same way. I used to struggle for new metaphors and images because I wanted to use them and control them. Now I listen for what I am reflecting to speak to me. I don't make waves. I surf them. Love, Tom B.
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I am realy lost for words!
you are a way out there on your own with your poetry. This is so soft, sensual and sureal i loved it.
It shows a lot of effort and time also experience in field of love. there is nothing wrong with that, its just that its well expressed in your poems.
You are an excellent poet tom and i wish i had the time to be nearly as good as you.
good luck.
Slán agus oiché mhaith
Dolores.x
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Perhaps lost in worlds
This was written in part because they said no erotica and I wanted to play against that. I love the sensual for it is where I feel truly alive.
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2166526 Mud Dance
This is and equally sensual piece. Some call it my best.
There is no competition here. Just a chance to share, learn and be moved by the art we swim in. Love, Tom B.
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Glad you enjoyed it. It was designed to be sensual without being erotic. Seemed like a challenge for myself. Love, Tom B.
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Awesome piece
Good luck!!!! -
Knowing how to accept critics and knowing when to challenge them, always a question. Being centered in what you are trying to achieve is central or you end of pleasing and not achieving.
Glad you enjoyed what you read. In this case that is an important part of the poem. Sincerely, Tom B. -
Well, I seemed to of missed the big debate here. The comment sections in this contest's entries have been very interesting, to say the least.
I have to say that I've ran to Wanda (Night Hope) many a time with questions and doubts, and she helped me with my line breaks once on a poem that I am now quite proud of. She's a darling.
But anyways...
This is quite an enjoyable poem. Very well done.
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It is always about the poem, the work. This may or may not be my best work at this moment, this one is amongst the four or five I have at the top of my list. But it is a changable list and I am always improving. That is the whole reason I took on this contest. I admit I can't please everybody and must please myself first. I appreciate a good critique. It shows me things i haven't seen or perhaps looked at the way the critic is. They strengthen me and i don't see it as a complaint or a cut, but as a gift. I have to have enough faith in myself as an artist to stop and way all the information given and make the best informed decisons I can. I appreciated AlmostMe immensly because of her comittment to making a clear, concise, gifted critique and work with me in optimizing the way the gift was received. Truly special. So what ever the outcome I have greatly benefited. I know I am not everyones cup of tea. But then again the same is true for me. Love,Tom B.
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I agree with my fellow judge Al.. (aj) if you cut those last few lines, it lets the reader pause and find the end themselves
I am impressed you worked on this and stuck with it..
well done and good luck in the contest
thanks for entering -
You know, where to end it is a great argument and I can see your point. I have tossed it back and forth and still at six's and seven's. I have appreciated all the critiques and approached them with measured thoughts and deliberate consideration, as I am sure you have yourself, when receiving one. Thanks for reading and commenting. Do well. Love,Tom B.
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This is a really nice piece, I think it would be stronger ended at "passion" leaving off the rather weak final stanza. Some wonderful lines in this one:
The waters of the night
slide with serpentine grace
through galaxies, writhe over stars,
pool in nebulae. Darkness pauses to draw
strength from every black hole, allow light,
planets to slither free from its rivered arms.
A very strong entry, nice work....
al -
you are welcome..
your patience, and willingness to listen and reply have been more than enough repayment.. for my efforts..
and if I have helped in any way.. in this write or in future ones .. that is more than I can ask..
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It is rare the piece that can not be improved. While I see myself as more of a lyrical sensualist with romantic overtones, I read for hard critical comments. While I don't always enjoy all critiques, my feelings are mine to tend. A good critique tells me things positive or negative that allow me to improve or strenghten myself as a poet. This is what matters to me. So you have been a great help. I again want to thank you for the time these took. I try to provide a good critique and know that to go to the extent you have takes a great deal of work. I am honored to be seen as worthy of such effort and hope that my poor editing and revising skills (I almost said revisioning and sometimes that is closer to the truth) have provided some level of repayment to your efforts. Love,Tom B.
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to each and all whining commentators who feel that contests should be run by the entrants, rather than the host and judges,
i say blah, blah, blah.
please NOTE the name of the contest.
please NOTE the disclaimer that appeared with it on the 'new contests' page.
please NOTE that i HIGHLY recommended reading the judges own work to see what would be expected.
please NOTE that any entry not deemed worthy by myself and/or the judges would be summarily deleted.
please NOTE that we DO NOT CARE what outside readers think or say.
please NOTE that this is a competition, and not your run-of-the-mill candy ass back-patting contest that is usually held here.
i have deleted many poems already, and will probably delete many more. you don't like that? tough.
to Tom: i have not yet deleted your entry because you have been open-minded and willing to better what you have done. will it make it to the final round? i don't know. but each time i read it, you have made it better, so i guess there's hope.
to the rest of you: if you have something to say, put it in a poem and enter it in the contest. see how you'll do in the competition.
ohtherwise, shut up.
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Edited on Oct 01, 6:09 p.m. because ''. -
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Edited on Oct 01, 6:09 p.m. because ''. -
I think Almost Me has given a fair and thorough critique of this piece and she has pointed out some flaws in the write, that with some editing and some good useage of grammar can be put into some kind of poetic verse that this contest is looking for
I do so hope that fellow patrons will realise that this contest is being judged by several judges and there will be strong debates on alot of the posts
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You too, and no ..of course you aren't. I was/and am, stating mine, which in this contest is one of the only ones that matter.. simple as that. I believe in critical review, of course, I have no trouble being criticized either..
enough said
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I did read it thank you. I was stating MY opinion and what I live by I am not on a high horse, I just don't like to see comments that are that harsh and by the way, I was not replying to you, I was commenting on a friends poem...I made no reference to YOU...Have a good day...
Lynda -
poet2angels
" "If you cannot say something nice, say nothing at all" so this critical critiquing of this piece has me a bit angry... "
You may want to 'READ' the contest GUIDELINES
presuming you haven't already.
Edited on Oct 01, 1:17 p.m. because ''. -
The point is likely moot by now.
I doubt, however that is has/or had much to do with 'perfection'
in the structure or the grammar.
It had more to do with seeing some great imagery burried in commas
and pronouns. What do I mean by the pronouns?
Well an example:
The night opens its star-frosted arms,
catches our dreams and weaves promise;
that line creates a wonderful image of the night sky with 'star-frosted arms'
yet it could be a much stronger one, if it wasn't for the 'pronoun' "its",
I always have to be cautious when I write, as I find it very easy to use 'its' in place of something a bit more complicated, because the possessive does do the job... but.. consider how much stronger the image is if one avoids that, and opts for something along these lines:
The night unfolds star-frosted arms
catches our dreams and weaves promise;
it's not a 'big' change, and it has nothing to do with 'perfection' what it does is remove a pronoun while adding more to the 'event'. All those pronouns, the you's the we's are fine but they sit heavy in the imagery.
If I could leave one suggestion, it would be that you go through this with a comb and see where you could alter those, if of course it's worth it to you.
I do see the edits and I think they help, of course that's merely my opinion, ..but thank you for listening. .. -
I have to give you my thanks. Both for the in depth critique, for it is no easy task and for the applause which truly caught me by surprise. Thank you. May your days be blessed. Love, Tom B.
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Tom, I read the poem , then I read the comments and I am not quite sure what to say.......so I will take the liberty to walk away with a no comment and I am sure you know the context in which it is meant . Just one note...personally I would have preferred it starting with just fingertips as it apparently was originally. But as they say "Chaqun a son villain gout"
much love always,
reenie
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Well, Tom, As always, I LOVE your poem, and if I were you, I would not change a thing. I always live by the saying "If you cannot say something nice, say nothing at all" so this critical critiquing of this piece has me a bit angry...I have always and always will admire your talent, as do many others. When asked to change my work, most of the time, I say heck no...It comes from my heart and it will stay as I write it. My advice is to leave it just as it is and be proud, my wonderful friend
Lynda
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when almostme finishes with you, i'll start...lol
no actually i quite agree with her assessment and don't think i need to say anything more..
al -
I have taken in the critique. It leaves me with much to think about and some definite repairs to make. The point? I thought the point was in your showing me my lack of grammatical and structural perfection. To which I readily agree. You can continue if it please you. I will continue to learn. Love,Tom B.
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shall I continue ? or have I adequately made my point?
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The first stanza.
[L1][L2]
Fingertips read features, a lover’s intimate language;
breath, a whisper beneath my fingers.
Although the write suffers from excess pronouns further on, it could have used one here. Under the circumstances -- considering the writes resemblance to flowery prose -- there seems no specific reason to minimize the introduction. Grammatically I doubt anyone would begin with 'fingertips'.. they'd most likely begin with 'my','these''those''your'....
[L3][L4]
Time’s red light creates night’s textured flux
tangled light, I watch your shadow unfold
There's an uncomfortable sense of disconnection for me between the end of the first line and beginning of the next. 'tangled light' seems to sit in the middle of both, however it adds nothing to either image, and the repetition of the word light comes off as a a bit cliche, or perhaps.. an afterthought.. The image would definitely gain some weight with a bit of reworking.
[L5][L6]
uncurve, swim to the surface,
leave dreams at the bottom of this ocean.
Again, excess. Unfold and uncurve suggest the same imagery, and if they were not meant to then perhaps another word should have been used.
Overall impression of stanza 1.
It reads like an attempt to be clever and fails. The line breaks, and internal rhyme do nothing to save it from this either. I can see the benefit in using few full stops [periods] as it's a trendy thing to do these days, but..it seems odd that commas are meant to do most of the work here, seperating thoughts, rather than pausing, in a stanza that almost begins with a complicated semi-colon.
The commas don't make up for the lack of coherancy. They merely mask the stanza's underlying faults.
Edited on Sep 30, 4:49 p.m. because ''. -
Your insights and thoughts were a gift. I needed all the different ones from people like you because I trust your thoughts and ideas. Plus I know you will expect me to go my own way and not take it personally. Still your insight helped me see things and all of it helped. Again thank you and bless you. Love,Tom B.
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I have been writing since I was sixteen. I am fifty six now. I am still learning, growing, trying new things. Thanks for all the accolades. will read your poem. Promise. Love,Tom B.
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Wow i like this poem alot.i dont know what to say other than you did an wasome job.i must read more of your poems and i will. i dont know how you do it me i dont think i write all that well but you have talent.how long have you been writing?well keep up the awsome work and i want to read some more of your stuff. but can i ask you a favore can you read my poem shooting stare no one had ever read it and i got it published in a book and i would like to know what people think about it well i hope to hear a comment about it maybe not from you but i hope i can get someone to read it. well awsome write keep up the awsome work
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well yes.. then, let's amuse the critical side of the situation for perhaps, a moment..
generally, I tend to suppose that critical reviews hold within them a fair amount (if not in their entirety) of experience, or knowledge in the 'thing' they aim to annotate.. I am not a romantic, nor am I all that 'spiritual' ... and those two things will/do ..have tainted my ability to .. be entirely objective in any comment I might otherwise leave .. so in the interest of tactful I decided to leave .. the no comment .. note.. rather than raise a show of distaste in an otherwise pleasurable place..
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In the dash and crash of the din of others pleasure and critical calls you decide that it is eclectic to say little or nothing at all. I am not sure I would make that call, but I am not a referee of taste or delight or what people see. So thanks for the reply, I will hold it close to my heart in the great by and by. Sigh. The nights are empty of rivered words but then again I enjoy the absurd. Love, Tom B.
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well I'm nothing if not an eclecticist.. so thanks
and you're welcome.
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Well, thank you for taking to the time to share your choosing not to comment. It is rather outre or perhaps just a way to express distaste gently. In any case, I appreciate the share. Take care, Love,Tom B.
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I wanted to show that the night is not a depression, but a continuous flow of God's energy and that when we allow our love to swim in this spiritual blessing, so we are blessed. Thank you for your kind reveiw. Love Tom B.
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My pleasure at your pleasure is immense. Please continue to share your joy with me anytime. Love,Tom B.
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it is always a compliment to have someone say they are a fan. Thank you. Tom B.
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Thank you. I am glad that it gave you such pleasure. Tom B.
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Not something I can offer comment on.
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In love with Lamartine
Oufff this is breathtaking! I can't break it down - the whole poem is very well written!! I like the flow patient, displays of affection and hugs.. Lots of laughs, joy offered, as well as strength and hope, like for intimate friends rather. Always unconditional love n'est-ce pas! This line:
No day passes
when your love
does not
excite me.
When there is trust and comfort growing steady, it cannot be otherwise.
Since it is in the spiritual category, i want to add that if love is in abundance and in the presence of God, the relationship will overflow with intensity and inexhaustible love. Talking about nearness, he has my wings. All my love xx
Edited on Sep 29, 3:05 p.m. because ''. -
Wow this is a great poem. I just love reading it, I can't wait to read more, this is a great poem. Awesome job.
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Completely natural feel here with this piece... I've been made a fan!! The flow and the sense of imagery is amazing!! Great penning here my friend!!!
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The imagery within this poem was phenomenal!
I loved it. You did an amazing job and I thought it was well put together.
-DF
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She is more the artist in the family. I am into the poetry. But I could still pass on this information to her. Maybe I could get her addicted!!
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Yes, the object was to take out the rough points and have the imagery blend to keep the mood but bring forth all the subtle undertones and innuendos I was trying to create. Poetry is more than a primary color and it is in the tints and tones that the real art begins. Thanks for sharing your pleasure with me.
If your sister is into poetry, she should join me in going to some of the open readings that abound. If she wants I can share times and places. Love,Tom B.
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You are really too kind. I am blessed to have you enjoy it so much. Thank you. Love,Tom B.
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Thank you for all your high praise. I am just glad to be able to spread a little light and deepen people's sense of love's delight. Love, Tom B.
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Oh, my sister is from Great Falls, Va. (just noticed where you are from when you signed the poem)--you guys are practically neighbors. The poem seems to have more flow than before, the imagery soars even higher with intensity yet subtlenss. Such a beautiful blend of love mingled with sensuality. I adore it. My best, Annabelle
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good
I know you messaged me saying it had been changed, but
to be honest in reading this I would need to compare to
the "before" to notice the difference. to me, what I am
reading is absolutely wonderful, full of imagery and
so sensual. But that is what I remember it being before
also. wonderful as always from you. good job. -
AWESOME!
Beautiful my friend Tom, you have a gift my dear brother, and I am blessed to be able to read your wonderfully written poetry. Love your style, and the content is always there. So much wisdom, and light. Thanks for sharing, and I'm quite sure you'll be keep up the awesome arts. Peace to you my friend.
-Timothy The Poetic Weaver~ -
stunning
"I refold dreams origami,open myself to the everyday." I just love this line, although the whole poem is filled with heart pounding emotion, I really love this little line. It makes me feel like nothing is impossible or unattainable. -
This is the tomis I know and love...always best to write from the heart and the beat that makes you smile within. There are so many lovely things in this poem: the allure of warmth in the shadows, the serpentine grace of the night, the energy that covers an intimate world for two, and vital anticipation that carries over into the more mundane aspects of everyday living. The second stanza is truly beautiful, if I choose a favorite. I applaud!
~ Klassy -
good
this is very good. I really liked it. I read some of the
comments on it and I agree with them, this was good. I
love to see this type of type of writing, sweet, tender
romantic. ahhh yes... very good -
standing ovation
what do I say Tom - it made me sigh
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Last time I checked -- no bruises. Love to see you use the analytical half of your brain. You have amazingly insightful things to say. I revised and you should comment before I repost this set of revisions and rewrites after work which means after nine o'clock tonight. See IM
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Thank you dear. I know it is easy to forget the content and how the poem sings to the heart when lost in technical comments. Love Tom B.
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The hell with commenting on the technical aspect of the poem. This was engaging from beginnng to end. The imagery was out standing.
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"The waters of the night
Slide with serpentine grace through
galaxies dancing over stars,
pooling in nebulas."
good god. your syntax there is pretty fucking close to perfect.
now for my "academic best", as you put it, aka: poetry bitching.
there's something with the flow of the first stanza. for whatever reason, it seems to have too heavy a trod to it, perhaps the repetition of starting over and over with "you [do xyz]. and starting again [you...xyz]. maybe make a few of those with gerunds (is that the -ing, that im thinking of?) instead to break the flow up. allllthough you could have been using the unity through the poem to emphasis the unity between you and your parter. whichever. i choose to be less pretentious and just say that it sounds odd. contrastingly, the second stanza is near-perfect and i wouldnt touch it much.
aside from the effect of expansiveness...(whatever) in the last few lines of the second stanza (although its pretty fucking brilliant as is) i'd stick to one image or another. you've got both rolling planes and city sidelines...i'd choose one. namely hills 'n planes, as they're a hell of a lot more sensual.
tower over skyscrapers ‘til forced back by the dawn.
"till forced back by dawn" awkward...do something with the 'till'.
"star frosted" -- you need a hyphen there.
"The night opens its star frosted arms.
Catches our dreams and weaves promise." i'd rework the punctuation, make the ideas flow together and they'll be more powerful.
"your last kiss as it moistened
the shadow of my neck " i hate the word 'moistened'. personal quirk.
the last line is incredibly romantic. *sigh*
hope i havnt bruied your poetic ego too much, darling. i read poetry with my mind's ear... and como siempre, they're only suggestions.
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Sinuous and sharp and slick. A great entry.
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Will do. There is a balance here, since my vision is not theirs. That is in part what makes it so difficult. Also I always am playing with sub layers and hidden messages in my poem. Look forward to your response to the changes.
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Thanks, lane. There is much to be done and that is half the fun. I be curious to hear what you see as my influences. It tells me much. Look back here in a couple of days and tell me what you think of the changes I make. Your support and help valued and held dear. This poem seems to have excited a lot more response then some of my others so I feel compelled to dig into it and find what is good and burnish it. Love, Tom B.
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Good for you! I can never leave a poem alone either--I drive my ownself crazy with edits. Just send me an IM when you edit since I have been following this.
Belle
Edited on Sep 27, 12:24 because ''. -
Thank you. I try. Perhaps more often then not, succeed a little. Your support and love is much appreciated. Love,Tom B.
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Between you and Wanda I am helpless . Of course, I have to take my child and see what encourages her growth and allows her to be seen more clearly for the beauty she is. I appreciate and, even more, value all the insights and critiques you have offered. Now I must return to the paper and she how she grows. Love,Tom B.
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I never know when a poem if finished and this one is still growing , obviously. I take it all in and then go back and rework the lines. There is a balance here. Keep your eyes open, in the next couple of days you can see how the child has matured. Love,Tom B.
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Lord have mercy, I meant to say musemaid. It don't need a doctor or nurse!! Pardon me french!!! A silly belle gettin' out of dodge! xx
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Tom ~ You have wonderful friends here - the crit's were gentle, helpful, and I totally agree with Wanda...crit'ing a piece IS like telling someone their child could be better IF...She did a wonderful job with the line breaking, and that was my only crit. You chose words not only with a sensual flair, but used words to create the beauty you were feeling. I can see who has influenced your style of writing, but the voice is all you, and this, my friend, is what distinguishes you from the others. Aside from all this...I dig it Love, Lane
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brilliant & sensual
Spoken like the true romantic you are, I feel every ounce of ardent emotions you have culled from the pits of love. I enjoyed the read, and I found it within your personality.
You happen to be one of my favorite poets, so...write ON!.............Novy
Beautifully written, vivid metaphors the over all prose kept my eyes open, great job Tom!
Edited on Sep 27, 7:34 because ''. -
I am absolutely amazed with the imagery and sensuality of your poem, Tom, and I really love Wanda's fine-tuning efforts. This poem had so, so much poetential--it just needed a little tweaking and Wanda was the perfect nusemaid for this project. I just wanted to say thanks to you both. I enjoyed the workshop atmosphere and am always here to learn and get better. Much luv to you both for your powers of creativity, Belle
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I give up, Tom. My fingers will not cooperate with my brain tonight, so you will have to decipher my messages. I am intrigued with poetic possibilities for this poem. It has your unique flair for tenderly sensual and romantic expression.
~ Klassy
Edited on Sep 27, 2:15 because ''. -
No collaboration is necessary, Tom; I merely rearranged what you already had & added very few words. See what you think. I reworded some of it to get rid of some repetitive words & a few phrases that weren't quite unique enough to stay within the originality of the piece. I won't be offended if you don't like the changes; they're only suggestions, after all...as are the line breaks... Wanda
"My fingers read your features
as you breathe beside me.
Through the shutters,
a sliver of moonlight reflects the dark
with a certain quiet texture;
I watch your shadow unfold from its curve.
You break the surface, gasping,
leaving your dreams at the bottom
of this oceanic night. We swim in this bed,
leaping past dams to find peace in shaded pools.
The stars spill their secret messages --
sliding with serpentine grace through
galaxies filled with light, hiding in nebulas.
Pausing to draw in breath at every black hole,
allowing planets to fall free from rivered arms.
A current of vibrant iridescence
comes rolling out of the hills to fill the valleys,
blanket the plains and collect the darkness of the cities
to tower over skyscrapers ‘til forced back by the dawn.
Within these moments,
we catch dreams and weave promises.
We turn back to the valleys of our harvested slumber.
Left with answers pulsed with potency for our quickening day.
Still, as I unfold myself from this echoing shoreline,
I can still feel the whisper of your last kiss
as it moistened the shadow of my neck with your love."
Edited on Sep 26, 11:59 p.m. because ''. -
i would love to see your editing of my poem. I learn a great deal from that. If I use to much, then I will have to consider it a collaboration. My child, Graham, is potentially perfect. He just seems to be taking forever to achieve it. Love,Tom B.
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"The glow from the clock radio giving this dark a texture as I watch your shadow unfold from its curve. You swim to the surface leaving your dreams at the bottom of this ocean night." ~ "The night spills with messages -- Sliding with serpentine grace through galaxies and running across stars, filled with light, hiding in nebulas." These were my favorite lines of the piece, Tom. There is a vivid awareness, an appreciation of loving within your verse; I certainly hope that you let your wife read it. Of course, being the incorrigible Romantic that I am, this penning appeals to me. I understand what grm is saying about paring it down, though, to some extent. Not to lose any of your meaning, but to enhance it. I'll send it to you via IM so you can see what I'm referring to; of course, any editing is entirely up to you. I often say that critiquing a piece is rather like telling someone, "Ohhh, your child could be so much prettier...if you only moved her nose to the other side of her face." 
Good luck in the contest, Poet. Wanda
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Astonishing. Very nice compliment. I know you can see the influence of my earlier erotica and the sensual flavors that have deepened my style. This started out with playing with images of the night. I threw out a lot of them. Then I wanted to collapse my broad view into a personal view and then wed them together. Thanks for taking the time to look and review this piece. I value your insights. Love,Tom B.
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I have always been a romantic as you well know. I wanted to play with the hint of erotic, the deeply sensual and the everyday against the backdrop of the cosmoligical. They all take place at the same time and in my thinking recently I wanted to try to meld my macroscopic voice with my microscopic voice. Still think that I will twist this some more in another poem Perhaps trying to increase the sense of pulse and some other ideas. Keep your eyes open.
Thanks for your critique and particularly for telling me what you loved. I appreciate you taking the time to come and review it for me. Love,Tom B. -
having run it through a couple different spell checks, i would love to know which ones. rivered and nebulas i class as poetic license, but I could be wrong on that. I understand the less is more school, i enjoy the lyrical. Of course subject matter, metaphors, symbols and other things being used may greatly impact what technical format and style I would use. Cleary's minimalist school, Whitman's largest, French Symbolist, Peruvian Anti-poets, all have had their influence on me. Out of this, I have found what I feel is my own voice and even then I wear different clothes depending on the occasion.
Thanks for your comments and critique. It is always good to hear from all different view points. Tom B. -
I must say that I am astonished at this. The past few writes by you seem so full. I love it! I would say that you have been outdoing your self here lately. amazing... your "captured emotions" are expressed and felt with EXTREME power. "syrupy"...mmm... perhaps.. but I crave the sweetness. Well done.!
Mel
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a few spelling errors, but not a bad little prose piece. a bit syrupy for my taste, but i can appreciate the sentiments behind it.
if i were your editor, which i am not, admittedly, i'd have you pare this down by about 50%. but i am a believer in the 'less is more' philosophy.
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