It was just like you always said it would be.
And that, more than anything, justifies the doubt.
(We’re just not sure what to believe anymore.)
She still adamantly insists that
when the metal smacked the bone,
it was not the way you would’ve had it.
and I have to admit,
something far more dramatic seems your style.
(They said you appeared out of nowhere)
My mind still reverberates with memories of the crunch,
Boy the \crack!\
Oh, bones seem so dainty in death.
I’m thinking of going out the same way,
Watching wide-eyed terror on innocent drivers.
(They never had time to stop.)
I mourn by the chalk that still marks where you froze.
(a deer in headlights?)
And stared straight into death
with an unsettling determination.
Unceremonious to say the least.
Author notes
oh please please please rip this to shreds guys. ive been given a chance to publish soon and i really need tips and advice on how i can make it better. please. ravage it.
Written September 25th, 2006
A contest entry
- AP Best of the Best Season One: Preliminaries by B Chandler.
300 points, ended January 1, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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This is... an interesting piece. I like how your title is so alliterative. The beginning of the poem makes me wonder what exactly you are referring to. Was the person going out with a bang? Was that what the person always said it would be? I supposed that confused me a bit.
I can remember my own car wreck when I read this, and while this poem isn't too graphic, it's got a perfect sense of what needs to be included to make it just right. The only thing is that I'm assuming you didn't have a set structure to this since your parenthesized lines are put at random. I would normally assume them to be at the end of each line since it starts that way, but you changed it up on me. I don't know if I like that or not.
I do like this poem however. You've done a good job on it. Other than what I have already said, I can find nothing more to critique. I like this sad poem. Wonderful job, dear!
-Rae -
great
This is an awesome poem. I can actually picture what is happening. -
thumbs up
wow..that is a great poem. i wanted to keep reading, like it was a novel. great job. -
I really liked this complicated, uncomfortable but totally engrossing read. You have done well to keep it short and sweet and i loved your language.
Very thought provoking. Well done! -
It'a kind of complicated and hard to understand But once you study it, the message isn't to hard to identify. I like that your intent wasn't screaming in my face as it seems to in many poems. Great write
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Sad but Beautiful
this makes me think of my friend scott dying -
To make it better, I'd suggest usually, but with this I can't. I think this is perfect the way it is. It came very close to home, and I really enjoed reading it. I adore when poems can mean one thing, but some else can interpret it, to be something completly different. Great piece, <3 Good luck with the publishing.
Stephy -
I have seen the look of a deer in the headlights franticly trying to move out of the way. iTS iS very sad and the sound is unforgetable.
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Right off the back, there is one thing i don't like, print too small.
This is, decent, it shows so much of my friends' death. Got hit by a car, a poem of it, but from the driver's point of view, i think, i couldn't see goodly.
I would critic it critically, but i couldn't see it good enough. -
Really? You're going to publish? That's pretty cool.
I can't really 'rip something to shreds' because I'm not you. I can barely rip my own poems to shreds.
I can't edit worth shit. But anyways, the poem is nice. I didn't like it all that much. It's written nicely but there's not enough imagery in it. I don't know.
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ohhh i see how it is. i hate requirements too!!! but congrats on the publishing opportunity. this will be a good addition to whatever the publication is, haha.
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touching
this story has a meaning that it wouldnt have had a year ago the man im going to marry got into an accident 6 years ago and an older couple died in it, he wasnt drunk nor high he had worked a double shift over 17 hours, and it was 1 am and febuary so a little icy out from drizzle that night, a car bumped him and he went soaring into the other lane unble to slow down or stop and as your poems says a crunch the metal into his ankle but more worse was the other car without a second to think a death before him this poem is powerful and i didnt know him until almost a year ago so that is why i said this poem would have meant nothing, great write and i think you might touch some people with this, WRITE ON ROCK AND READ ON....im going to let him read this poem now. -
hah. thanks so mnuch. and yeah, i started writing an entirely different poem based on that part because i liked it so much.
and sadly, i can't elaborate much more because i had a 25 line maxiumum =[ ugh. i hate requirements. -
this poem left me wanting more...in both a good and bad way. i'd say that you should go into more detail about the "wide-eyed innocent drivers [who] never had time to stop." that was the part that really got me. that's worth a whole stanza in my mind haha...just a thought. good job, though, really...i can't rip it to shreds.
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good
this is a really intersting poem- i think that the wordding choice is a little akward at some places, but that could easily be a personal thing...idk.....for me some of the words dont flow which makes it a tad akward for the reader- other than that nice job and congratulations on getting to publish it......
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