i felt you calling
through the wide dark space
and i crossed the cavern
to your resting place
where you were wrapped in
folds of cold gray stone
which smelled of long
decay and rotting bones
the air was dripping
echoes through the dark
lit only by the
sense's psychic spark
mosaic patterns
stretched across your grave
dreamtime symbols
etched in beveled grooves
i brushed them lightly
with my fingertips
and lay across
the stony cover strip
and here i rested
waiting for your touch
in meditation
then i felt your clutch
as one would clutch
who drowns in waters deep
to any flotsam
drifting near the reach
you grasped my psyche
held with panicked might
and locked my body
in the realms of night
and now i felt your
onyx grip of fear
send through my senses
manifold despair
i let you thrust up
through my chest to speak
an urgent message
stressed fatigued and weak
"he-elp… me…"
came your feeble plea
through lips half frozen
petrified by sleep
and as you heard my
voice relay your words
you strove the more to
make your anguish heard
and with the strength of
added empathy
i let you ring your
cavern walls with pleas
until the motions
stirred me from the dream
and i awoke to
echoes of your screams
Author notes
Written September 25th, 2006
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Quite Good
Creepy.
I don't see enough by you in this form for my taste.
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poems that come to mind off the top of my head that have a similar feel to this are "By Julia C. R. Dorr's Grave", "markers", "In Yolla Bolly", and "Musing out loud". They're all here, somewhere.
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Dreaming another persons nightmare- very interesting- such a vivid picture you painted and left me unsure to the end about the dreamer- wonderful set and well crafted- grey and black poetry. Very nice write
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ven: one of my goals as a poet is to remain unpredictable
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yes some of the end-line prosody (as i prefer to call it when i'm not sticking strictly to rhyme) diverges from rhyme: "stone/bones", "fingertips/strip", "words/heard", "dream/screams" are partial rhymes; "grave/grooves" is partial frame rhyme; "deep/reach", "plea/sleep", and "pleas/empathy" are assonance; and "fear/despair" is consonance, or you could say it's also partial rhyme, on the assonance side of the word.
so you didn't enjoy this one like you normally enjoy my other writes? if you're curious you can see what i said about how the poem was inspired at myspace. -
Well, this was different! it's interesting how it seemed you were in 'her' nightmare. I have always enjoyed your writes but this one seems a bit less like the poems I remember reading from you. some of the rhymes seemed a bit off but the flow was good and the poem kept you right to the end. enjoyed this
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Creepish
WOW! Sounds like when I lied down on my grandfathers grave and cried....although it wasn't quite as terrifying as you have described here...lol....It makes me think of my dad and I don't know why...Great write as always.... I haven't been on in a while so I finally did the assignment....my social level has gone from a 2 to a 10 all in a course of a couple of weeks so I have been swamped by people and haven't had my mind on my writing so forgive me...lol. I am home from school because I did something to my leg in a game last night and it hurts when I bend it. Anyways I wrote about an activity of my mothers and you owe me one because that had to be the most boring thing i have ever created...lol
KAY
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pozo: wow what an outstanding full bodied critique! i'm going to try to learn from this critique of yours. wish i could pop a few more applauds out of it!
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Well this one just gave me Chills, your in a dark mood huh. It kind of reminds me how I feel alot of the times, but maybe thats just because its getting to the 1 year mark for Nikki. Id like to see you write something a little more bright if you will, I think we both need a little light.
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I liked the flow of this. Good use of alliteration with ‘crossed…cavern’. Good use of sibilance with ‘stony…strip’. I liked the internal rhyme of ‘folds…cold’. I like the dialogue of this, for example “He-elp… me”. I felt that the ending of this piece challenged the cliché of ‘and then I woke up and it was all a dream’ as if this was ‘a dream within a dream’ or an internal nightmare (I think that’s what they’re called). I felt that this was a lot longer than I usually read, but it’s so gripping that I wasn’t bored by it. I found this write very powerful. I liked the wording here, for example ‘oynx’. Good use of rhyme here. Great description and imagery here. Good use of enjambment. Keep writing, this was a great narrative poem which I found quite dark
All the best
Pozo
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