[Be sure to read the second part, or this part will make you think that I'm just sadistic. When you read the other poem (Part 2/Frozen) You'll understand completely]
Shine up
Light the fire
Fuel the fury in my eyes
Stare at me
Look in my eyes
Try to reveal all my lies
Can you tell
As I walk away
The hate I feel inside
I want to make you hurt
Pretend I want this to work
My true intentions have left to hide
You couldn't feel the way I do
I can't stand you!
I'll build your confidence with my lies
And then I'll FUCK you!
Return from your loss [I'll walk away]
You'll feel let down, [I'll feel okay]
Your just another one, [What can I say?]
Your not the one, [You never could be]
I'll steal it from you, [Or make you want to give it to me]
I'll tell you lies, [Only to another stupid teen-y]
Stealing your innocence
For my own sick plans
Molding your mind so that you trust me
You really thought that I could be... your... man...
Author notes
Read it.
But don't comment on this until you read the second one, because you will not understand it until you read the second one. Go check out the poem with almost the same title (Except Part 2/Frozen) and then comment on this double poem.
As in, this poem is put in two parts because of it being so long and me feeling that putting it all on one would make it... not as good. I am proud of this work.
Written September 21st, 2006
A contest entry
- Hate Me, Kill Me by thorlorn thanatos.
380 points, ended March 30, 2007, 102 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Pretty good.
Metaphorically it doesn't do much for me. I mean you have some nice images. But to me personally, poetry is all images and how I can make you feel or see something without actually saying it or writing it in those exact words. Now don't get me wrong dear, I don't always accomplish this, but I try to do it that way. I think it's a nice poem. One that I'm glad I read. One part that I do like, is the echo type thing that you have.
Return from your loss [I'll walk away]
You'll feel let down, [I'll feel okay]
Your just another one, [What can I say?]
Was quite nice. But like I said, why say something so outright? Be sneaky. Make me think. However, I did enjoy it and I wish you luck in the contest lovely. I might just enter myself. Best of luck. <3
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hmmm
This is a good attempt at what I wanted
Much appreciated... I have a feeling I'll be coming back to this one later
I'll be judging the contest before reading the second part to this as I feel it will wreck the feelings of hatred
However I would be interested to read it, please message me a link to the second part
Good luck
Ryan
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Hmm well maybe I should read pert two, but for the the first part it's cold indeed, yet interesting cause it's a diverse style of writing, haven't really come across something like this. Thanks for entering and good luck
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Your ignorance is obvious. Get off the drugs and read the second part, and you'll realize that the beginning is completely being read wrong by you. You are a typical guy, not myself. You read what you want to read into people (and obviously this poem), instead of looking into what matters
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yea, im so glad you can be like most men out there and write about it. you've officially made yourself out to be an asshole in my eyes so f*** you and f*** part two!
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Each to their own style of writing... he writes about relationships... you write about drugs and politics
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This line reminds me of something I recently wrote: "Fuel the fury in my eyes"... As does (although, not as much) the line "Stealing your innocence". And this poem has a similar tone as my poem "Diversion". Interesting. I've read both parts of this. Part one, I think, is still you, but just the angered and vengeful version of you. It's much more harsh and manipulative and demonstrates precisely your probable accusations. Part two is more emotionally sincere and thrives off of the wounded heart instead of the beaten conscience. I think I like the format better on this poem, but I like the helplessness and search for peace and hope of the second one. I have a critique that I noticed and I'm going to put it here: in the line "Molding your mind to do trust me", you should take out the word do. That's about it. Interesting idea for poetry with the whole heated versus frozen-ness.
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