If making love
occurs along a number line,
some moment
between the night
and the rising sun
each hand along her spine,
every lip upon a risen nipple,
all feral sounds shared
slipped the midpoint
from slow hello
to a long goodbye -
do not leave me now
became
I know you must go -
and now he is a shadow in her bed.
Author notes
Written September 18th, 2006
A contest entry
- Aubade - contest by cvillelisa.
300 points, ended September 27, 2006, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Hi.
I'm so late getting around to everyone. Please accept my apologies. I really don't have a problem with the third person at all -- I rather like it actually.
And as usual the more I read a poem the more I like it. And this is compact with an unusal theme -- original.
Thanks so much for writing something for the contest, Scott, much appreciated having a poem from you to read.
Good Aubade.
Hope you are well.
Lisa
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Very sensual,raw and untame-great write--fairmadien
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primacyoverall made me laugh, at least. sigh.
I love the imagery of this... I always enjoy the use of the number line, and the tipping point analogy is terrific.
One really minor point which I'm not convinced of anyway: The "from...to" construction works well, and the repetition of the structure in the quotes is excellent; but I almost needed an extra line space after goodbye or indentation or quotes, there is an extended pause for me which would allow the reader to grasp the shift more easilly. Alternately, if "became" were "to" the parallel structure becomes more obvious. This is obviously nit-picky and haphazard judgement on my part.
I'm not sure about an aubade written in the third person... it creates a distance that doesn't seem quite right, but it's a great poem anyway.
Brian -
my bad, two words spelt the some but with different meanings.
I think they both should have "adj." along side. sorry! I do like the poem. -
Marvelous
This is short, but it really gets its message across. Very erotic and sensual too. The feral comments enhance the animal appeal here too. Superb. Peace. -
Feral: ADJECTIVE:
Existing in a wild or untamed state.
Having returned to an untamed state from domestication.
Of or suggestive of a wild animal; savage: a feral grin. -
so is he dead [feral on the lines of funereal]? i like it.
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I love the word feral.
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