I pretend I'm improving
but I'm just a better liar
I pretend that I'm coping
i've just traded drinks for thin white lines.
I have pretty good friends
but they're all so fucking pretty
I'm afraid they'll get too busy
to keep being friends of mine.
My life is like a tight-rope act
balancing my sanity
precariously tipping
from each anti-medical reaction.
I can only think in backwards,
otherwise I get too dizzy
But this way I get too busy
and I'm running out of time
my only logic
is to hold my breath
til everything
makes sense.
Author notes
I'm trying...
Written September 17th, 2006
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Comments
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I came here to your poetry because you had said on the forum that you wanted 'real' critiques - and that's what I give.
I thought at first that I was understanding this, but halfway into it, you lost me. When I go back to read it again, I find that I don't understand any of it.
What is it that you're trying to improve? How are you improving - or not? Who are you lying to? Are you talking about your friends going out instead of spending time with you? Why would that happen? Do you make great demands on them? What does anti-medical reaction mean? Why are you running out of time?
Your poem leaves vastly more questions than it does answers? That is unsatisfying to a reader. I think you need to show us more here so that we can understand better what you're going through.
cq -
Not everything will ever make sense completely. "I pretend I'm improving
but I'm just a better liar" Great begining
"I pretend that I'm coping
i've just traded drinks for thin white lines." I am not to sure about the trading line what exactly are you saying here?
"My life is like a tight-rope act
balancing my sanity" Another great set of lines
"precariously tipping
from each anti-medical reaction" Again what are you saying here?
Great piece over all some lines could use some improvement to expalin what you are saying. Thanks for sharing -
I would say this is a nice idea for a poem as a base but what I would do is sit down with a thesaurus and find different ways of saying the same thing. Also, it is easier to relate to a poem with a clear idea of what is going on. Show, don't tell. I want to SEE what exactly is happening to your friends that might make them too busy for you, and I want to SEE what goes on in your head. It may sound psycho but it's what makes for good poetry.
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