With a little help from my Guardian Angel/Therapist I think I came to some conclusions tho he will disagree with a couple of things. The mistakes I made with Marco were mostly my fault. I broke my hubbys heart and his heart too I am sure. I killed what ever love and respect I had for myself. All I ever want to do is to make everyone happy. But 3 people are scarred for life because of me. I will forever blame my self in some way for not making Mom go to the doctors(so she died). How can someone hate themselves so much to do such stupid, weak and cruel things? Do I really hate myself so much that I would let someone use me for whatever they needed? Obviously!!! Dumb question there Tish. I wish I could go back and fix it all! Make Mom better, well not dead, and Sam trust me and Marco NOT know me. I prolly made him like me too much and then he figured he could do what he wants since he couldn't have me. Fuck, I dunno, that sentence made no sense at all. Why did I do it? I hate myself for the pain I have caused. Even my in-laws know. I guess I am just screwed all the way around. Sorry Red, some Guardian Angel I turned out to be ey? Well I am better at helping others than helping myself!
How do I get passed this? He wont leave my head and I can't seem to figure out how to forgive myself. WHAT DO I DO????? Why can't I help me, fix me?
I'm sorry, I did it again. Laying my shit on you people. But I do love you all! Atleast I know I am not the only one with shit in my head. I just don't know how to deal with it is all. Thanx for listening.
Hugs, Tisha
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My thoughts for the day as I sit here crying. Sorry y'all!
Written April 21st, 2003
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the tears touch within the this heart of mine!
yes...
I hear you crying loudly my friend!
And if you need someone to talk with I'm here my friend!
I know what It's like to blame yourself!
For a long time I hated myself...was afraid of that anger that i held inside.
Though I'm better now.
I walked that path!
Bill -
i know i don't know you, but i do know what its like to hate yourself, i wish i could tell you how to forgive yourself, but i can't, it's a skill i have learned yet either, if you do figure out how, share the secret k?
(((((((((((virtual hugs)))))))))
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*wipes those tears away* glad that you're feeling a little better about all this. if you wanna talk, just IM me anytime.
*hugs* take care
-chris -
Actually feel better after spitting this all out. I need to get past it and forget it or atleast not let it bother me. it happened, so what, learn from it. If I keep this up I will just be hurting myself more and that would make life very boring. So, thanks for listening!
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I hope you are doing OK. If you need to talk I am here. You can get through it!!Well i hope you are ok
Laters
HUGS
Derek
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