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His Offer Grim


Heaven smiles above me
mocking my descent.
The tear streaked angels laughing
at my hoarse lament...
The demons pull me under
thick and putrid strife
clinging to what's left
of my weary life.
The grip around my ankles
the rasping in my ear
the mouth of hell is waiting
a blurry vision of fear.
To kick and scream is pointless
for I'm nearly at the gate.
The fallen one is waiting
oh Christ spare me this fate...

             

                 ***

"Take my hand, my child"
he whispers loud and clear.
"The one above has forsaken you,
But I will always be here!"
Faced with a decision
the darkness or the light
something stirs inside me
and I contort and smile.
He flicks his tongue and laughs
"You have chosen well!"
Now hand in hand
we descend,
into the fiery depths of hell...

Author notes

Written September 13th, 2006

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 63 of 63
  • Rmh4933
    November 6, 2008

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    Profound

    Deliciously dark, the content wonderfully presented, the background adds just that right touch of depth.


  • hawkeslake gold member
    November 6, 2008

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    Wow!

    For a minute I thought someone above was going to rescue you -- the ending was startling and perfect for the poem. Your lines and rhymes are very interesting, as is the whole story. Um, I do hope your fiery depths are figurative...

  • Virgoan
    June 7, 2008

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    the second half is strong yet i like the first part - it settles further into me.

    on a personal note, this will leave readers more in awe if the picture would be removed and instead you can put a link. a plain black background with white font will leave us stoned - more beautifully.

    my opinion, your decision

    all in all, a wonderful piece.

    keep sharing your gift.



    HENSLEY


  • SummerlandRayne gold member
    May 6, 2008

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    A realistic and devastating look into darkness! I enjoyed the poem...even with the dreadful subject it held. The pic is wonderful with this write! Thanks for sharing!!!

    Az


  • airhynne
    May 6, 2008

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    excellent

    I really like this. It was not too long and was still able to convey a lot of narrative. I really like the ending which is suspensful and poignant. I also appreciate the rhyming. It keeps the poem moving forward and connects important phrases.


  • LittleMissFaith
    May 6, 2008

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    im fascinated with your poem.
    it was different than the poems u usually hear when it comes to dark and light.
    it's actually refreshing to hear someone choose darkness for once. i support the twist.
    definitly a new favorite of mine. hope to read more.
    keep the pen flowing


  • still.she.waits
    March 18, 2008

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    the second stanza took me by suprise. i love how well this piece flows, and the content is.. controversial ( i think thats the word im looking for)
    good jo


  • Silence of Finality gold member
    June 20, 2007

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    Flowing

    You know, I read the comment below and I have to say that maybe it wasn't what they were looking for in the contest but sometimes we FEEL like utilizing tired cliches. It's O.K. if it's not at the total expense of your imagination.

    also I'd like to say, what if you were a young or sheltered person who thought they came up with those lines on their own? That would suck to have some crotchety old poet judge belittle your work.

    Fuck you crotchety old poet judge.

    Again here Avalin, I LOVE your flow. It reads so fast and story-like, who couldn't enjoy it for it's sake?

    I was enraptured from beginning to end.


  • Danna Hobart
    February 9, 2007

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    The scenario is cliché.

    Nearly 15 % of your poem is adjectives. An adjective’s job is to tell, but the poet’s job is to show. They are thus used at the expense of imagery.

    Several of the adjectives you use are cliché:

    my weary life.
    blurry vision
    The fallen one
    loud and clear
    fiery depths

    Clichés offer prefabricated phrasing that may be used without effort on your part. They are thus used at the expense of individuality. If you're depending on a stock phrase, you're letting someone else do half your thinking for you.

    Sorry, but this does not fit what we are looking for in our contest.


  • Sokarjo
    January 22, 2007

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    Wow, that is AWESOME!!! This is getting bookmarked for sure... The flow, the rhythm, the rhyme, the content... it's all incredible. Fantastic write!


  • autumns rising
    January 22, 2007

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    ......

    I can just see hell in my mind right now. very nice write, imagery was practically flawless and the rhyme was really great


  • paullallady silver member
    January 21, 2007

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    Very descriptive imagery and wording. You have painted a picture with these words that is very sad. It is a shame that he chose to belive the king of liars. But it touched me, and that is what poems should do. Your rhythm and flow were flawless, great job with this one.


  • Christina Prince
    December 28, 2006
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    Interesting

    I'm always one for angel-demon poetry. I thought, aside from some capital letter issues, the rhyme scheme and over all message of the poem was very clear and very well done. I myself am writing an angelic epic. If you have time pop over to my page and check it out! Once again great job


  • Cannonsfire
    December 28, 2006

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    The darkenss or the light...an interesting thought and I bet most of us have chosen the wrong one at one time or another. This is a reflection on what we all have to choose as we go through life but I've always thought I'd have far more friends downstairs than up but I'm not overly fond of the heat!


  • Shockerloba
    November 10, 2006
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    I really like the image of the tear streaked angels, and the flicking tongue too. Its fantastic imagery. Darkly appealing


  • absent-love
    November 10, 2006
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    100%

    very good

  • Eulb kcalB
    November 10, 2006
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    Heaven smiles above me
    mocking my descent
    The tear streaked angels laughing
    at my hoarse lament...


    OUTSTANDING!!!!!!

  • misssha
    November 10, 2006
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    Spooky cool

    Get down, Dante!! cool poem. Dark and richly descriptive.
    Misssha


  • FaeryPixieFey
    November 10, 2006
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    Sorry I clicked then realized I already read and commented---I still love this dark read though.
    Edited on Nov 10, 12:26 because 'caps'.

  • Kyubi
    October 20, 2006
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    Wow. Such power radiats from this work of art. This so far the best I've seen in a while.


  • Sphere
    October 20, 2006
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    all i can say is ..DAMN!

  • Lisa Haslett
    October 20, 2006
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    Good poem

    good poem lisa k haslett Raytown Mo.

  • hisgirl-10
    October 20, 2006
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    Well i really like this it's so powerful and this picture helps create the mood and the darkness but the words just jump at out me i love it great work!!

    von b.

  • Loreley
    October 19, 2006
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    Hello Avalin, and welcome to the contest! In regards to your author notes, I think it fits very well. You've got a cool picture here, I'd hate to be there - even if the writer does..yikes! Your poem plays well to all the senses and you tell the story concisely yet powerful. I've read the comments others have left you and agree with most of the feedback. Great piece, thanks for entering and good luck!


  • nichtmich silver member
    October 14, 2006
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    Powerful Poem

    I have the very same picture and was waiting for inspiration Well, I doubt I can do better than this, you have spoken clearly on the choices we make and the results of said choices. Many want to go to heaven, but feel it's just too darned hard! Not religious myself, but doing what's right vs. doing what's fun or easier has alway been an amusing spectator sport for me

  • Doug B
    October 13, 2006
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    Great poem! very powerful! and very diff. idea to things really liked alot. keep up the writing -doug-


  • xPoisonxDollx
    September 19, 2006
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    very dark and desirable. cruel and beautiful at the same time. i love the decadence of this piece. you have shown true artisanship...this if phenomenal. i await your next piece.
    ♥ amy

  • Exrea
    September 19, 2006
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    Wow, I could almost taste the sulfur, feel the flames at my feet......
    I thank God I didn't make the same choice!


  • Tirrell
    September 19, 2006
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    Wonderful verse!!!!!

    Amusing twist of fate. I love to ponder how sin affects a soul, it grants me endless sea of ideas.. the pen smile in your hand for you give mirth to the gloomy images it inspires,
    your humor shines through. well done.


  • apoeticinjustice gold member
    September 16, 2006
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    nicely penned, the flow and rhyme create a wonderfully dark story...A thoroughly enjoyable read. Well done.
    Rory


  • KaseyL
    September 16, 2006
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    Wow...this is dark. Sensual (ok you know what..I never truly understood that word, I mean I know it..but if it's supposed to be only positive or can be negative..so I'm using it). It describes..how evil has such a great power over you. How it looks to be so great..as KatRaccoon said "Satan isn't such a bad guy after all."

    This is a dark, excellement poem...I'm glad you put it up so others could read it. I'm also glad I accidentally clicked upon it. It's dark enough to see that where they are going is evil, but yet they are hypnotized, or truly believe that their path is right one..the best one. The one that is beautiful.

    Great imagery, wording. Last line is...if you can say it..perfect to the piece. Well done. Very well done.


  • PoeticSpirit79
    September 16, 2006
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    This is absolutely brilliant. I love the imagery that your piece portrays...it flows beyond words here. I love the form that you used here, it's as if the words just melted right together.. great work here, and thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read it...


  • KatRaccoon
    September 16, 2006
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    Wow, so totally dark, I love it. Satan isn't such a bad guy after all.


  • Lucian Valcor
    September 16, 2006
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    excellent poem you did a amazing job i have to say this is one of thevery best poems i have read on this website ever great work


  • Kari gold member
    September 16, 2006
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    Deeo

    This gave me chills! What a masterpiece of a write.Thanks for sharing this with us.It was so deep.

    Kari


  • white stone
    September 15, 2006
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    Hmm. Monkituitous delights deep in the belly of Beelzebub's Wal-Mart,eh? Will you be perusing the shelves for nipple pliars, or red hot pokers, sir? Say high to Jim Morrison for me, I hear he's running a wonderful cafe down there. Take a long bath in the lake of fire, the sulphur should really do wonders for your skin.
    I hear satan has comandeered an army of furbies, and they're coming to kill us all on Devil's Night. Here's your chance for glory!!!


  • Crazy-Dan
    September 15, 2006
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    Wow, such imagry. Definately not what i was expecting. Good job on this one. (Jeez, it was so vivid, i'm going to have nightmares. thank you for ruiening my sleep )
    But seriously this one pulls you in from the begining and chokes you of the world around you until your done. This was amazing!


  • Child of Water
    September 15, 2006
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    Lol...good choice. Nice imagery, very strong and clear. I like
    "The demons pull me under
    thick and putrid strife" and "rasping in my ear", gave me little chills.
    Best wishes


  • Christopher Tucci
    September 15, 2006
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    Kick Ass... I love it, dark yet not depressing(a difficult line to tow). And I must disagree with most good choice, better poem.


  • SlakerSyke
    September 14, 2006
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    Brilliantly Warped

    So, definitley not a one-hit wonder after all. This one is just as brilliantly warped as the last. Some may not care for it, but there is always two sides to life.. someone has to show what lies beneath in everyone(and on the surface for some), the truth of the darkness of the soul. <33 Beautiful work yet again.


  • Silence of Finality gold member
    September 14, 2006
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    I would have to say he who is without sin..... Anyways, I can certainly relate to this piece for I have chosen the wrong path many times myself. Though to some, it's not wrong.

    As for the poem itself, I loved it, I was especially impressed by the flow of the first stanza. In the second stanza, smile is a somewhat forced rhyming word however, I can't offer a better one at the moment, lol. I've done that myself. Anyways, great piece of work and I look forward to reading more.


  • ioniQue
    September 14, 2006
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    very dark.. i really like how you wrote it...
    made me visualize what was happening...
    keep it up!


  • individuality gold member
    September 14, 2006
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    a good piece though i think some editing is needed here and there, for example one line you start with and and have and in the line spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...


  • Angels Delight
    September 14, 2006
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    Wow...

    I discovered this piece bly selecting random poets who are online and reading one of their pieces...

    I felt the darkness from the very first line and on a personal level it spoke to me because I have been there before...

    Amazing write and please keep that pen flowing...

    Much Love
    Tessa


  • Cherry.Cyanide gold member
    September 14, 2006
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    oh wow.
    i loved the dark feeling of this poem it literally sent shivers down my spine
    i read your other poem and thought to myself no way could he do better than what i just read
    and you really knocked me for a six just then
    i cannot believe how fantasticly you can manipulate words to give these...unique pictures.
    so few writers can do that
    you have something special

    <3 roxie
    ~xoxo~

  • Unquenchable
    September 13, 2006
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    original, creative

    I agree with Bluebird somewhat, in the sense that the first stanza could have stood alone...though you were right to put more of a break in between with the asterisks...almost like a part one/part two thing. That helped break the two apart. I like the sense that this gave me..a story with a moral? or just the mark of inevitability? A few things stuck out here. I loved the imagery, because you cannot tell this kind of story without painting us a picture of a sort. In the first stanza, the lines:
    "the stench of hell's bringers
    a blurry vision of fear"
    Did interrupt the flow of the poem, making it difficult to continue in the smooth image you were creating...it kind of broke the trance. If you reworded/rearranged a little, maybe, so the rhythm kept it's pace, the rhyming doesn't need to be there as long as there's a flow that keeps you from noticing. Other than that, as far as a critical review, just a few bugs with rhythm that tie me up.
    But honestly, don't take this wrong. I loved this piece, and I love the way it leaves the reader. This was a very dark, very pessimistic write that I love. I just tend to criticize, but I assure you it is in the best possible intentions!! Do not let me hamper your creativity. I just like to provide suggestions that might aid you in giving a piece a bit more power. But they are always suggestions. I love this write, and I think you are very very talented. i would love to read more and get a real feel for your work.
    Keep it up!


  • HisBreathlessDream
    September 13, 2006
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    This poem was magnificient the depth the emotion the writing it was all fantastically done. It depicts so much and the more you read over it the more you find. Like a seek and find word search puzzle Like it love it and gonna applaud it !!!!


  • grannyeri gold member
    September 13, 2006
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    Very vivid images you share with us in these lines - so easy to visualize this taking place - tempting and succumbing to temptation here.


  • Dalaney gold member
    September 13, 2006
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    Bad choice...
    Good poem...
    say your prayers.
    Love,
    Lane


  • Thalian Muse
    September 13, 2006
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    Powerful Image

    An interesting twist at the ending. It makes the reader wonder, "who would want to choose hell?" But, in reality, mankind chooses hell everyday full well knowing that there will be a price that needs to be paid.


  • Robin Candor
    September 13, 2006
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    The climax reminds me vey much of "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis. In a very short book he conveyed the fact that everyone in hell has made a choice to be there, and would not be content otherwise. The individual in your write conveys the same sentiment when given the choice. RC


  • Bluebird
    September 13, 2006
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    Soul Stirring

    Kinda thought it should have ended after the first stanza. That could have stood alone as a poem. Guess that's just my "hopeful" kind of thinking though.

    The first stanza is absolutely captivating. The imagery is stunning, I can see it, picture it happening. I did get a bit tripped up at " the stench of hells bringers, a blurry vision of fear". I think you could adjust the wording to fit the rhythm better without losing the meaning.

    The second stanza is disturbing, but still well done. I can still picture what's happening and everything inside me cries out to change the choice that's made. Bluebird


  • shadowlyn infinitas
    September 13, 2006
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    snap, that was good. love this dark write, being a mostly dark writer myself (though not recently so much). very well written, this conveys a very strong image with few words. congratulations on having such talent! and be wary, the dark demons can be very tempting.. may peace go with you
    ~shadowlyn


  • Broken Thorne
    September 13, 2006
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    Not bad at all. Watch out for that Satan guy, ya know he's a tricky fellow. Just kidding. Written well and alot of thought was put in. Makes me wanna go to hell.


  • CBminstrel
    September 13, 2006
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    A good poem, I really enjoyed this :-) It flowed really well, and the rhyming worked well too, allowing good story telling. The stroy came through even as the language was nice and dark to create the atmosphere. What I liked about it was that it can be taken either as a dark story, or as a comment on the choice that many people have to make in life, the good path, or the wrong path...I don't mean that in a self-righteous or christian way, as that can apply to something as simple as do you get out of bed and go to work when it's rainy and grey outside, or do you snuggle back in bed and call in sick LOL An interesting poem :-)


  • gladyspshaw57
    September 13, 2006
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    Excellent

    This is a very touching poem, and true.


  • FaeryPixieFey
    September 13, 2006
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    Very dark indeed. It left me strangely bereft and sad inside. A sad FaeryPixieFey visited you today.


  • Wolfdog silver member
    September 13, 2006
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    Superb/Fun/Intriguing/Unique

    a marvelous write, i enjoyed it just as it is.


  • Marshall013004
    September 13, 2006
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    I can't say i like it but i can say you done a ok job. I'm not into hell and writing about it but everyone is intitle to there own beliefs i guess. You did i great job relating the piece to the picture . I hope you aren't this dark always.


  • -darkprincess-
    September 13, 2006
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    excellent!!!

    wow bro!!! really like this poem!!! can't believe someone could say this is bad!! is the best description of what death is, that i have ever seen!!! well, as i have been talking to you, you know i don't have my faith so up, hahaa, but anyway, as i already told you, if i were a "believer", i wouldn't think bad of this either!! this so kool expressed!! is really obvious that is just a great passionate poem!!!haha, well, you know my possition to this, so... dont have so much else to say... just that i do love you and your work and that this is a great poem!!!! good luck on everything!!! and keep writing like this!!!
    kisses!!!
    love ya!!!
    your lil sis!!
    (* pau

    ^^

    ... te amo

    ^^


  • Shadow Child 13
    September 13, 2006
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    Kind of dark, but it was certainly captivating! I love this write! great job big bro!


  • Lady Eventide
    September 13, 2006
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    Well, this is definitely grim...but, man, did it fit that picture just perfectly. I like the emotions you convey...and the way you describe everything. It was all just so great. Keep up the good work.


  • purple wings
    September 13, 2006
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    true indeed.neither am i but i have burnt for my sins.

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