Dishonest, lustful, apathy,
Be that all thine eyes can see.
Distraught, my mind did run away,
Until that very faithful day.
When from the heavens hope emerged,
A light from which the darkness burned.
But soon 'twas found a harlot's trick,
And into darkness i returned.
Author notes
I'm writing a sequel to this poem called "A Glimpse into Darkness" but am having trouble with my octavian style (8 lines, 8 sylablles per line 'cept line 2 which has 7, and AABBCDED rhyme scheme). Ill post it when im done.
Written September 12th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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Change of Heart...
Lovely write. I'm so use to seeing you free verse it and write stories, but it seems that you adapt well to the use of a set style. Wonderful use of technique. Refined and savagely eloquent. I don't have the points to rate you, but im going to do it anyway.
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This is really good, very well worded, and I'm always impressed by a good poem that's also done with technique, since I pretty much refuse to write with any complicated structure unless I come up with it myself. The use of the word 'harlot' made me smile and fit the poem well. And this is so radically different from your song snippet I just commented on I can barely believe the same person wrote them.
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Brillaint
I LOVED this piece!! I thought the wording you used was brilliant, and the english you used was perfect for it too!! I really thought this was a great piece!! My kinda poetry!!
Well done!!
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Its an interesting peice, really makes you stop and think.
Keep it up -
Well this is a difficult form you are using, but the poem is awesome. It's dark, it has a bit of hope and it is somehow magical as well.
I would really like to read the rest, so if you fail to use that weird form, just drop it and write using the rhyme or anything lol. (I am not a fan forms but I love sonnets though lol)
I think it is brilliant. So Keep on writing and IM me if you post more of it.
Nooni
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Interesting poem if I do say so, but I admit I am not a fan of such short styles. Twists of emotions though, doesnt quite feel like you tell all truth here. I hope you did well in the contest. I missed your poety.
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Wonderful poem with very nice rhyme, rhythm and flow. The imagery too is excellent and this is a new style to me. So, a big thank you for sharing it with me.
All the best,
Char
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not bad, not bad
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this had deep and raw emotion.
Edited on Sep 15, 3:46 p.m. because ''. -
This has happened to me so many times with friends and or relationships. Finally feeling like I have found someone different someone who got me only to find out it was just the same person different mask. Heart ache is a vicious cycle to get into, it, much like deaths, happen in repeats. I thought this was very accurately expressed, I especially loved lines two and three. Thank you so much for sharing this work with me.
jamie -
One word my big bro-AWESOME!!!!its very short but right to the point, i love love love it keep on sharing and keep on writing-(maybe those should have been awitched around
) lol im proud 2 b ur lil sissy 
love yas bro!!~Naty
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Deep . . . extremely well written. This piece provokes a sense of olden chivalry surrounded in disdain . . . almost the the reader is the person speaking, as if they tried to do something and in the end, all that came was hate and chaos.
Superb use of vocabulary!!!
Keep penning . . . keep sharing . . . and much luck to you in any and all future poetic ventures!
Maggie -
Your writing style displays a writer who is much older than you are. You write with a grace and beauty that most never come to possess, and it shows within this poem.
You asked me for a comment, so I'm trying my best. But honestly, it's just going to sound like I'm trying to make you feel good. Because I really don't see anything critiqueable about this poem. Your rhyme scheme was beautiful, and you chose words that form a more complex rhyme than would be expected of someone from our age group, which is rather impressive.
All in all, a job well done. -
you had a good play on words, I liked the poem. I think faithful maybe should be fateful, I tried to find the play on words, but couldn't thanks for sharing.
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this is a very thoughtful poem it really makes you stop and think
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I really like this from message to structure. It was a very honest piece about real issues. It was done tastefully as you "edutained" the reader.
Nicely done.
John
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This was wonderfully written...I can relate to this is so many ways....Thanks for sharing.
Soulful Woman -
i love this i can relate to it .....i feel the thought put into this poem great job
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This was pretty good. Although...the word is spelled "distraught," I do believe. Correct me if I'm wrong, though. Otherwise, this was a very good piece with an interesting twist at the end. Sometimes, the light of hope can actually turn out to be false, depending on the source of that light. Keep penning!
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i didnt think that somebody could use harlot in modern poetry... but good for you because you pulled it off. love love love.
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Two words... love it!
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I like the name of the poem.Great job. Again i already siad that!
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This is a very clever use of words. They give the poem a feeling of being gothic. It has more of an "angsty" feel to it than it does a "dark" feel. It is on the line though. This could be about a demon being brought out at the promise of light only to be tricked back into darkness.
I have a poem titled "Untitled" as well but it is definitively "angst". Overall, a great poem. It is very creative and intrigueing to read. -
I really liked the rhymes, not too hard they were almost unpronouncable but hard enough they weren't any cat in the hat rhymes
lol and the whole story behind the poem was much deeper and longer that the length would let on ^^ keep the reader reading far after the lines. I loved the way it was wrote too, almost as if in the 1700's or something with a new age spin to some of the words
GREAT job
Diggin it majorly
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Great
I think this poem is really great. It appeals to me I can't really say why but for some reason I just want to read it over and over again. It flows very well, and you didnt use repetitive vocabulary. Overall great job keep it up!!!
~Cameron -
Sometimes light or hope is only there for a short time before it disappears again, as in this poem. Think this needs a title though....
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Two Thumbs Up
I like the untitled, it shows the ambiguous feeling of the piece, the uncertainty. I like the color scheme, black and white, it makes the dark/light,(evil/good?) theme emerge victorious. I liked the old english usage; the theme, word choice and grammar all flowed quite well. speaking of word choice, I liked harlot, distraut, and faithful. aptly chosen. Finally I truly appreciate the three vices that the piece begins with. Very Nice indeed. -
wow great poem...
i liked how the poem was untitled...it made me curious to see what it was about...or maybe you just couldnt come up with one =]
anyways, i really liked these lines:
"Distraut, my mind did run away,
Until that very faithful day."
your rhyming and flow was perfect...
thanks for sharing this,
keep up the great writes.
take care,
♥ Lynn -
Very short and powerful! The poem is very good and it would be better if it was entitled so people could get the idea of the poem before they read it. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
Very short and powerful! The poem is very good and it would be better if it was entitled so people could get the idea of the poem before they read it. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
Very short and powerful! The poem is very good and it would be better if it was entitled so people could get the idea of the poem before they read it. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
Very short and powerful! The poem is very good and it would be better if it was entitled so people could get the idea of the poem before they read it. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE -
Ooo, I liked it very much. Short but powerful, and you managed to pack in not one but two twists into it. Dark and intriguing. Hypnotizing. Bravo!
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hhhhmmmm very interesting,, I liked how you seem to be brought out of something only to be dropped back in like a hot plate..
well done.. but you may want to reconsider the colors for your text it made it hard to read,,, had to highlight it...
Blessngs-
Krystal
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