The path may wind up slopes of ankle twisting shale,
and over ridges overwhelmed with loss;
yet each step carries on through progress and dismay.
The path may weave through swamps and belching bogs,
through alpine heights where acid springs bleed lethal streams and ponds,
and over ridges overwhelmed with loss,
only to drop through valleys baked barren by the sun,
until it rises up again to lead
through alpine heights where acid springs bleed lethal streams and ponds.
The path may shrink and seem to disappear
through thickets barbed with venom thorns or leech-filled undergrowth
until it rises up again to lead
through places not unlike the sorrows known before
and on through every emptiness and pain—
through thickets barbed with venom thorns or leech-filled undergrowth.
Through crackled desolation, blasts of rain,
the path may wind up slopes of ankle twisting shale
and on through every emptiness and pain;
yet each step carries on through progress and dismay.
Author notes
to learn more about the terzanelle: allpoetry.com/Column/784852/all=1
Written August 28th, 2006
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Well-wrought and then some! For some reason I cannot find the villanelle that I came to comment on. Anyhow, I haven't studied the terzanelle as a form but see the pantoum-like pattern here. Not sure of meter requirements, but I enjoy this one for the varied line lengths and the content that gives me the feel of walking across the earth in solitude and a sort of hyper-reality. I cannot offer suggestions for improvement, as I see nothing that I would change but will say that "through alpine heights where acid springs bleed lethal streams and ponds" is my favorite line for the assonance and general poetic sound. It sounded so perfect to me that I shared it with my husband..and among all of this crisp imagery is a deeper message, deeper thought that often accompanies journeys. You are a jewel to poetry of this day.
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this was very interesting
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sorry about this....
Oh my, I do apologize.....I clicked on this poem thinking it was a NEW feature, (my heart was all aflutter!) and now realize that I commented on this yesterday.
I'm sorry about that.....
But I still find this a fantastic write!
Blessings! Tammy -
rj: very nice to hear from you. i'm frankly pretty surprised you've given this such high regard. i personally was very unhappy with it (a little less so after reading yours and some of the other responses). in fact i wasn't planning to feature it as i tend to do with my project poems, but accidentally featured it without realizing it when i went to feature "Cathedral" for a full second run (just stopped the campaign on this poem and used remaining points to campaign "Cathedral" as i originally had intended to do).
since you're not on my email distribution list, you might find my blog of this poem (which involves a lot of what lead up to my writing it) of interest. the blog link itself is too long to post here, but i'll give you my myspace profile address so you can find the blog link from there if you like (i'd like you to like): myspace.com/zahhar
really enjoyed reading your analysis of this poem. of course, i tend to enjoy reading your analyses of any of my posts. lol you're one of a kind, both in astuteness of eye and knowledge of poetry and related subjects. -
I'm not generally entralled with terzanelles although I'll read yours for their exceptional technical qualities. Overall, I tend to believe that all poetry evolved from story telling. And I have suspected all along that meter and rhyme were originally added as a mnemonic device to help illiterate people of the western world recant the same tale the same way again, if the poem doesn't rhyme or the meter suddenly changes, someone's screwed with the story.
Eastern (oriental) poetry of course is altogether different, as literate people speaking different languages used a standardized character set to represent the same ideas irregardless of the spoken language it's natural that their enphasis could not be on the lyrical qualities of the poetry... something like 16 characters in a certain order might be a better checksum. (a poem with the same characters would still have the same imagery but sound quite different in any of the many spoken languages that share the character set)
But as we are no longer illiterate (for the most part) rigid form is less important, still terzanelles due to their repeated lines tend to be circular or stagnant in nature. On the up side, they can make for a challenging academic exercise and the gentle off balance repetition can and often does set a mood as well as acheive some interesting tonal effects.
So having gotten my pre-ramble out of the way, I'll get on to this poem. First of all it achieves forward momentum, as much of the text sugests linear movement. And of course the final line (a heroic cheat otherwise) suggesting progress exits the reader with momentum. Actually it's a couragous call of form over content. So for a poetic form that has a tendency to wander aimlessly this is really refreshing. As to the smoothness of the meter, the balance of tone, and the vividness of the texture, the lyrical qualities and imagery enhance the reality of the underlying emotions so everything up to the last line feels real. This is an exceptionally well written poem, goes without saying, and really offers more than I ever expected from this poetic form.
Now... I'm going to ramble out loud regarding the final line as my thoughts aren't clear on the matter... It does a great deal to enhance the forward momentum of the write, and an optimistic twist should actually accentuate the bleak emotions otherwise represented and to some extent it does both... 'potentials' is very unsubstancial vs the rest of the concrete nouns - feels unconvincing and 'ventures onward' seems like intellecutalizing as compared to 'wind up', 'over' and 'through' (much more direct). On the other hand the "appropriate/natural" bleak crash-and-burn or lost in the desert ending would most likely stop the movement of the poem and take away the feeling of movement and that wouldn't be good... Something more concrete might sell the last line, but that might stick out like a sore thumb. Well dude, I rarely dedicate so much time on a single line in anyone's poem, I think I'd wind up going with something dark with lots of o's and u's perhapse working off down, ground, sound and sacrifice some but not all movement. Of course I say all of this because I know that you know better than to take advise that doesn't feel right to you. And to any reader that might mistake this comment as criticizm... I might add that I only make line or word level comments on really excellent poems that I actually like and find challenging. I'm not being pretentious, well maybe a little, but its more a matter of my limited time than poetic snobbery.
Peace & Rainbows,
~RJ~ -
Terzanelle! That's the one, right? I like this one much better than your contest poem. Great illustration of the dualistic nature of human life, as well as that of all other life. Brilliant word usage to reveal the nature of "Ad Infinitum".The only words I see that don't seem to fit are "...ridges overwhelmed with loss". The loss of what? Nowhere else in the piece do you lend personification to natural features. I wonder why you do so here. In the fifth stanza you liken landscapes biologically fearsome to man as being "not unlike the sorrows met before" but that is different. The seemingly indiscriminate semi non-sequitor does'nt alter my belief that you, too, are a scientist, which is to say, a bad ass poet. After all, I could be personifying the ridges myslelf, as you may intend the statement to mean something completely different. Holy Shit! You ARE Zahhar!!!! What a mind ^%$#!!!
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YOU ARE INTENSE
Wow! You are an intense writer....
This leaves me with a feeling of hope! Though the path is long and difficult you continue to journey forward...with HOPE.
I find this very spiritual as well...there is belief in moving forward toward "potential".
Your words give the impression of being overwhelmed, indeed, but not to the point of total exasperation. At least, not in your ownself?
I must read more of your work. You have a unique way of writing that no one else at AP displays.
Very well done. Blessings! Tammy -
seeing
So inspiring, and somehow linking us all together in a beautiful contrast of trial and hope. Thankyou for the inspiration, encouragement and insight. Understanding the hardest times to stand, let alone walk. -
I like all the vivid imagery in this one, yes marriage to a nut case can make one feel this way, or being married to someone who doesnt love you back can also do it, looks like were on the same journey
Great write hear 
Suzanne -
Lol! SO that is what this one is about...now it all comes together...lol....great write...!
KAY
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very skilled and educated write. great job.
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yeh, marriage to a nutcase.
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Great write!
This seems bitter... or like someone is trying to escape something...or a dangerous journey and the person isn't quite sure what they have gotten theirself into......not sure..anyways i got to do french homework..it sucks...lol
KAY
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