There, in the glen, the hunter hides
and strings his bow of burnished yew.
Where rusty leaves, by autumn shed,
the frosted forest floor bestrew.
Then, like a shadow, silent waits
for fallow deer in evening dim.
And never sees, in his intent,
the one who lies in wait for him.
With dainty step the guileless deer
now seeks the solace of the stream.
Now all is silent, immanent,
as if the content of a dream.
Without a sound the hunter nocks
and draws his cloth-yard arrow full.
Straight to the corner of his jaw
the well-waxed hempen string doth pull.
And now the moth has seen the flame,
again the ancient song is heard.
That arrow flies which bears my name
and now is sung the final word.
A fallow deer in silence dies,
red blood steams on winter ground.
The hunter sighs and lays him down,
the song begins another round.
Who knows what makes us walk this path?
The game, it seems, is never won.
For you and me, my love, my friend,
the song, I swear, is never done.
I am exactly what I seem
and every word I say is true.
And I will come again, again,
until I can be one with you.
A contest entry
- Cryptic Tongues by Violent Serenity.
1200 points, ended April 19, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by aeolia.
400 points, ended October 26, 2008, 128 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything you want...Show me Your Best Poems..I need inspiration..PW's Welcome! by Hetha.
2100 points, ended August 20, 2008, 159 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - COMMENTS CONTEST V.3.0 by Bean Sidhe.
950 points, ended October 23, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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This flows nicely, although the language is a little old world. I find it interesting that you have several components that I, personally, have no experience working with (the word usage and rhyme in specific) and yet the piece works for me.
I am not sure of the spelling of certain words, such as immanent, but the imagery is present and there is a level of emotion that is lovely without being overpowering.
Very nicely done. Thank you for entry & good luck in my contest.
- Bean Sidhe -
And I will come again, again,
until I can be one with you.
I love the whole write, but the wording here seems perfect. A gem of a write and thank you for your entry. -
oops!
This seems very concrete as opposed to abstract. Abstractions suggest without telling. This poem seems to be very straight forward. Perhaps you confused metaphor with abstract? I'm not sure, but all I can say at this juncture is that it simply doesn't suit... Sorry.
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very very creative! i must say what a way to look at things... great work, keep it up. good luck in the contest ^.^
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This has sort of an archaic feel and sound, which I enjoyed. It's quite visual with good word choices.
Thanks for entering my contest. -
I think in your second stanza you meant to put "silently" instead of silent. This is very well written with beautiful imagery and I love your closing words. Great poem, thank you for entering the contest. Good luck.
♥
whisper
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"And I will come again, again,
until I can be one with you..." Nice ending and I should say the whole poem is nice, too...thank you for sharing this piece...
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well written with great flow and excellent word usage. perfect spelling.
Somehow I am lost in what seems to be attempted depth. I have read this poem several times yet still can not grasp the meaning, perhaps the fault is my own. -
this is really nice, it's a fantastic portrait of the subject. thanks for entering my contest!
Jen -
thank you for sharing this piece.. and letting me know the other side
your works are remarkable!
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A stunningly superb poem! Excellent!!!!
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I love how it flows. Very nice. Great work.
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