With waxen hearts
That glimmer like a mirror;
But red, and hidden,
Our fleshy souls cannot be touched.
Puncturing the surface,
Like vampire teeth through a paper heart,
Sweet succulent ecstasy,
It bleeds clear and dead.
Dry arteries, browned, riddle the surface
Like cancerous pathways
And fat yellow maggots
Writhe, quietly,
Before disappearing and leaving
The rotten fruit of a rose.
Author notes
I would tremendously appreciate any constructive criticism for this poem. It's for a school assignment in my poetry class. We had to choose random topics - I chose "apples" - and write a poem about it in any way we liked. We had like 2 weeks (9 days) to work on it, and we had to do some research about our topic.
So, at first glance this poem seems, well, not to be about apples. The "With waxen hearts" refers to the waxy look of apples. Some apples are red, and look like hearts; also, through my research, I discovered that the apple sometimes symbolizes love (for example, an ancient Greek who wanted to propse to a woman would throw her an apple, and if she caught it, she had accepted the offer). The "...and hidden, / Our fleshy souls cannot be touched" is talking about the white inside of the apple, and comparing it to the soul, protected but the outside skin of the apple. "Sweet succulent ecstasy" and the vampire thing refers to biting into the apple/heart/soul, and the sweet juice. Then the poem talks about worms in an apple and the brown holes they make, and the last line "The rotten fruit of a rose" pretty much means "apples" (apples are a member of the rose family).
So anyway, I want to brush up on my wording/phrasing of the poem...Would "Punctured" or "Puncturing" be better? "Bleeds" or "Bleeding"? I need to get the poem to flow a bit better and make more sense... Oh, I also don't know what to title the poem as, "Wax Rose", "Rotten Heart", a combo of the two, or something entirely different. So if ANYONE can come up with any suggestions at all, please do so! ^_^
Written September 9th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
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^_^ Thank you for the compliment, dear. Yeah, I don't normally do a ton of research for my poems...although I found it to be certainly an interesting approach, but anyway, it was the teacher who required a little research, lol. And I’ll be sure to tell you how my reading/presentation went (eep, I’ve only read –one- of my poems out loud in front of a class before…and not a dark-ish one like this one!
Ah well, I’ll get over my shyness somehow. 
)! ^^
~ Lady ~
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Awh, thank you for that uplifting comment!
~ Lady ~ -
-Agrees completely with when september ends. You are one of the best poets on AP, and you've truly touched me. Thanks for sharing something totally kickass, [pardon] and good luck to you in the class! I don't think you should ever improve something because someone tells you to. Suggestions are good, but only change it for yourself!
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Firstly, I thank you very much for your more critical comment. Now, not meaning to become overly defensive, but I'd like to remind you that my topic was "apples", and therefore I wrote in the poem about waxy-looking -apples- and not wax fruit in general. Anyway, what I'm more interested in is what you mean by the poem is "lacking in outcome". Do you mean that the poem was just sort of stagnant and not going anywhere, or more of something else? I'd appreaciate it if you could find the time to expand on that statement, and maybe suggestion any particular areas in which I could have improved the poem.
Thanks!
~ Lady ~ -
get better
ya ya ya i get all that and theres much potential here but its quite lacking in outcome what it held in potential.fuck the waxy look of an apple and play toward the waxy look of wax fruit of any type in general.that would make things much more understandable.i am really digging the potential that this idea holds but otherwise let down and disappointed by the possibilities that i saw as possible and left untended -
I didn't know it was about apples but I tell you one thing you are talented and have used a metaphor in a way one could not have predicted. The fact that you did research makes it better as you have facts behind your writing. The greatest of all poets work could not be understood at all without it being analysed. Which you have done. Realy good flow. I would have written "The surface Punctured" but usually it is always good to go with your first instinct. You have a great writing career ahead of you and PLEASE PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT THE TEACHER SAID. Lotsa luck and
Ami
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good
this flowed so well and I loved how you were
not blatant about the meaning. it makes the
reader think and really get the full meaning
of this. good job. -
well i would say puncture and bleeding. uhm, i hope you're turning the explanation in with the poem because i certainly did not get apples out of it...
but it was really good! it flowed well, and i love thwe wording, and yeah it was amazing, i would just make the puncture part and bleeding part, but yeah, that's just my opinion.
you are an amazing poet, so yeah, i'm sure you'll do fine in the class. so don't worry about it.
buti would deffinately use wax rose or something to the likeness, i like that title.
good luck!
-Miss Lady September-
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