I don't remember
details,
just you
and I
in bed,
the TV
turned to quiet.
I touched you as you read,
and knew
that we were happy,
before these things
were
said.
Author notes
Written September 8th, 2006
In a list
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Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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A deep poem posing as a simple one, I felt. I liked the modern tone here and I felt that it was powerful as it left certain things unsaid.
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Perhaps you should have taken the safer course and knocked on wood. a bit of viagra might have averted the tragedy that attends this poem.
Bullshit aside, I love it. Mostly because it can be read with or without the meter and rhyme depending on the pace, and how much pause one gives to line breaks, etc. I almost like it better when I ignore the meter and rhyme. It's simple and sad and touches a human mystery with a resignation that is appealing.
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I take you probably have a published book under your belt, right? If not you should. I think I want to make you one of my favorites.
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Lovely, warm and 'singelo' (can't find the right word in English for this last adjective). Moments like this might be oh so common to many, but for many others they make a special memory.
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Geesh, me and AlmostMe (I just really wanted to type that) are having lots of sameness lately when it comes to pomers. I'm completely unable to iambic anything, trochee, blah blah blah. So basically my comment means squat in relation to your experiment.
This makes me feel nervous. Not a terribly aweful bad nervous but uncomfortable in a good poem experience kind of way.
I don't know if that makes any sense.
just you
and I
I didn't like that at first read. I wanted it to say
just us
in bed
and then I started to think oh he's playing with line breaks so the
just you -- took on a more significant meaning. Just you became just you as in -- just you, who you are "just" you. And then I liked it.
How did you know? What made you realize happiness? Was it just a right then momentary happy?
I think I can only measure happiness in moments of happy these days. So that is how I look at this. A moment of happy. Happy is such a goofy word the more I type it the more goofy it gets.
I'll stop now.
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This... had an odd quality for me.. on the one hand it read as a quiet ...thing, something never quite said to another, no longer there... and on the other.. it left me with the image of someone.. touching a bible... as if longing for the faith ..it represents, but no longer holds..
I love it when that happens..
Edited on Sep 19, 12:24 because ''. -
Thank you, Karen. I wanted to see if three (essentially iambic) rhyming couplets could be made to seem more natural.
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tender remembrance, momentous impact... and the line breaks work very well...
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so beautiful...
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next Saturday afternoon
As if a corpusle had popped and blew fused neon in 30 directions. Good Lord, Windy - you're obviously twitterpated in this one. Perhaps a flathead shovel and a bottle of scotch might bring you back to some blurred sense of clarity. Seems like all the details are out in the back of the pick up truck, waiting for the first rain to wash 'em down. Before you know it, you'll be reading Dr. Seuss and eating taquitos by the dozen. Fire one up and leave lampshade greasy, will ya... ~ EZB -
beautiful
Aah. A moment. A moment that changes a lifetime. A short piece, the way I like it. This leads the reader to see through one's own experiences.
Heartachingly beautiful.
PS: I am afraid that you have put the pencil quite firmly back into my hand. And, I must add in all honesty, after reading your work again, I seriously doubt it has ever been in your hand. In fact, I have come to believe it has never left my hand to start with.
Edited on Sep 08, 12:15 because ''. -
Wow, reminds me of the way neef writes. the words strings along magnificently and then it blows one to bits.
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Christ, an emotional sledgehammer of a poem if ever I have read one Brian. A blow to the kneecap or a bullet in the eye might be easier to cope with at times (as opposed to words that sting the earth of your gut).I think most people will relate to the central theme, it's something we've all experienced at least once in a lifetime. The title conveys forgiveness though, a good starting point :-)
Good to see you penning again poet.
Much respect.
Sonia X
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