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My Own Private Suicide

       In the deepest caverns of my
      shattered conscious I rest my dirty self.
      Inside and out a dull undead glow
      without a reason to push on alone
      my own private, shameful show.
 
 
      My wings lay tattered on the floor
      I'm just too scared too fly anymore
      When you live on the edge of a knife,
      you feel, you scream,
      you embrace every slice.
 
 
      Unmatched by any reason why
      my heart and mind have chosen
      to die while leaving behind
      a lulling sigh
      that will echo forever
      in my loved ones goodbye
 
      And as I sink remember this...
 
 
      ...How can you take a life
      that wasn't there
      to start with?

Author notes

I no longer feel the way I did when this was written


This poem has recently been made into a song. The band that recorded it are called Burn Before You. Click on the link below to listen to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnvZQMI0kOA
Written September 4th, 2006

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 99 of 105     1 2  next >  (show all)

  • aj.vamp
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    ok, i said i'd read more of your work, DUDE, THIS IS AWESOME!!!!! IF i read anynore i'll cry, becasue my poems are dull compared to yours, i love it!!!!!!!!!!
    -Sara
    PS, Im adding u as a favorite.

  • Bob Fox
    May 9

    Edit | Reply

    Amazing

    One powerful write filled with emotional self loathing. The cutter at their best. And the darkness even on a sunny day. Deep thoughts that have often crossed my mind

    . Rewarded 4

  • Wonderful !

    I really liked it the most when I got all the way down to the bottom, and found out that you do not feel this way anymore. As well as I took the time to listen to the song before I am making my comment on this delightful song-Poem of your's Excellently formed and written even as , it is in the song I love it ! Brenda Gae Keep Writeing!

    . Rewarded 6

  • nice write- i thought it had a lyrical feel to it- good show !!!!

  • The rhymes are well-chosen, they add a certain 'drive' to the piece. Especially the second half was very thought-provoking. This part even reminded me of Poe:


    Unmatched by any reason why
    my heart and mind have chosen
    to die while leaving behind
    a lulling sigh
    that will echo forever
    in my loved ones goodbye

    Everyone has their dark moments. Writing them down as a reminder for later is probably the best thing to do with them. Great write!

    . Rewarded 8

  • abyssal
    May 8
    Edit | Reply
    Emotional and heartfelt. Strong closer. Thank-you for your entry.

  • Deep not necessarily depressing.

    I have read it and re-read it and while having read it, I read it again...I can hear it spoken in the lost echoes of my mind, like something I wanted to say but never found the words for...I just read it again, you've introduced me to tingling anxiety and poetic dumbfoundedness...I feel both the urge to comment and to stop, because I'm not sure what to write. I have no doubt you're a poet, no doubt you know what emotional struggle means, no doubt you can persevere...The last lines woke me up...That's nearly impossible to do, so I'll finish with this: As a person, I feel it...As a writer, I have yet to word it like this...As a fellow victim of like feelings, strive on for moments that remind you what kind of suicide you really want...The kind you reform from, or the kind you can't wake from.

    Much enjoyed,
    Kristy


    • Avalin gold member
      May 6
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you Emotivist

      thank you so much for that great comment. This was written some time ago so I'm glad to say I don't feel this way anymore! I am however quite proud of this poem and consider it one of my best!! I will be checking out some of your poems soon thanks again!
      • You are welcome!

        You are most welcome! There's reason to be proud, it is a compelling write with a lot of emotion in it. I am happy to hear you don't feel like this anymore, keep striving to move one, although difficult, it is not impossible!

        Best,
        Kristy.

  • vampireblood
    February 29

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    Wow, this was good. I especially loved how you ended the poem. Very nicely done, thanks for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
    ~Vampy~

  • Pins and Needles
    April 29, 2007
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    WOW, WOW! That is sooooooo good. ITs awsome when someone can describe exactly how you feel.


  • Tangled Angle
    January 22, 2007
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    Damn that was deep.


  • autumns rising
    January 22, 2007
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    Amazing.

    wow, this is so amazing and awesome. I was just browsing profiles and you seemed pretty interesting, im so glad i read this, its beautiful in its own way. dark and kind of haunting, I love it!
    -Dani


    • Avalin gold member
      January 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Cheers

      thank for for reading and commenting Wicked Mistress. If you have time, feel free to check out my newest poem 'The 31st Of February'.

  • Junebaby
    January 22, 2007
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    ...

    WOW!!!


  • Dragonsblood ink
    January 22, 2007

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    Oh wow...

    As deeply depressing and harsh as this is, it's still beautiful. I think it's amazing, You did wonderfully. I'm sorry I'm not that great with comments. But I can say this: I love the end.
    Nikido


  • Poetdontknowit
    January 22, 2007
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    NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I couldn't listen to the song, but I really enjoyed reading and commenting on your work. My husband has his own classic rock band, and writes 60% of the tunes himself. So I can appreciate this! sweet
    POETDONTKNOWIT
  • vampirebloodlust
    January 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    wonderful...

    its amaizing.. absalutly wonderful... this poem is something i take rather personaly and love till the bitter, sorrowful end.


  • cherche -d -ame gold member
    January 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I can't take away from your talent at expressing emotion (no matter how cliche the subject is----you did a good job.And I am sure that you are proud to have had it made into a song. However I can speak from personal experience as a crisis counselor with troubled adolescents.......when they were already feeling sad and down , this kind of music and lyrics made them sink even lower. I am not trying to say that one should not aknowledge their feelings and or emotions.But research also shows that music greatly influences our moods and I agree with that. Therefore one has to be careful what audience listens to what. In spite of our darkness, sometimes we have to chase butterflies as well. I wish you much success in any future endeavors though. May that success be your butterflies,
    reenie

  • Random Thoughts
    January 22, 2007

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    mate i just listened to the song and had to give you the applause it deserves is the person speaking you?

  • Random Thoughts
    January 22, 2007

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    wow dude that was very sad indeed i loved it also and made into a song thats evidence enough you have what it takes


    • Avalin gold member
      January 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. Feel free to listen to the song if you get time!

  • IsabelCult
    January 21, 2007

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    Animal poem!!!

    to die while leaving behind
    a lulling sigh
    I love that part... Overall this is deadly.

    Slan,

    Saz xoxox

  • forsaken2lovex
    January 10, 2007
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    thats a great peom


  • Mmmichelle
    December 17, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this!! It's a case of "Been there, done that", and I know it's not much of an existance. I just love the way you've put it into words!! Fantastic!


  • Alice Is Falling
    November 9, 2006
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    o.o Dear....I love it soooo much... Hugs poem

  • Trixie08
    October 26, 2006
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    Very nicely written this is a poem that I will remember and it's so prefectly written. Words can not begin to describe how I feel about this piece.
    Great write!!!!!
    --Trixie
  • emotion-explosion
    October 25, 2006
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    this is a great work of poetry!! good luck in the contest!

  • Nicole Cudworth
    October 16, 2006
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    So very poignant and am happy to know you got this one recorded... gonna listen to it when I get home instead of at work. I wish you luck in this contest, this one deserves the GOLD!

    I think you'll find so many people can relate to the emotion laid out in your writing. I'll keep reading as long as there are more to read.

  • SecretSafe
    September 18, 2006
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    ahh the real account this is a very strong, powerful peice, with alot of emotion through it. i have listened to the song, i think the music fits it very well.... theres a certain sense to it i can't put my finger on.
    great work, thanks for sharing
    NSH

  • interruptedangel15
    September 16, 2006
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    This is a very powerful piece. It is written nicely and flows well. No wonder it is one of the bets on here. you are very talented.

  • skye101
    September 15, 2006
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    i love it. it sounds like your pouring your soul into it with every line.

  • Christopher Tucci
    September 15, 2006
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    Commendale technique, technically high quality, however a rather tired subject matter. Not to cheapen the emotions, as I have felt similar myself, but poetry about such feelings is excessively common, I see alot of inherint skill in the poem, i would love to see it applied to a different subject. So on that note i go to explore your archive.
  • broken-winged-angel
    September 15, 2006
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    awsome!!!!

    omg!! i love this poem!! vary storn writing and i love the word choice it helps the meaning behind the poem!! well keep up the writing!!
  • onedarknight
    September 14, 2006
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    Astounding

    I LOVE THIS POEM!!!! You have a gift for making people miss you that don't even know you. This made me wonder if you can take a life that was never really there in the first place. I definitely intend to read more of your work and would love to be critiqued by you if you don't mind. Thanks

  • SlakerSyke
    September 14, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Hauntingly Beautiful

    Alright, I'm sort of... biased to dark toned poems. This one is amazing. The images that flood the mind when reading this..More vivid than with other poems than I read. You have some straight amazing talent from what I see on this poem.
    ---
    By the way, smart group picking your poem for lyrics. Wouldn't be suprised if I hear it on the radio within the year at the least. ^_~ Thank you for the great read.

  • Mezeker Mylove List
    September 13, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. i am amazed by your work!!!!
  • confussed one 83
    September 12, 2006
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    this is really good

  • UaMeadhra
    September 12, 2006
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    Decent!

    That was something. Kick ass and keep writing. I especially felt the bit about "When youlive on the edge of a knife". I think that dark and depressing poetry is one of the easiest kinds to make, but one of the hardest to make well, just because the emotions involved are so pervasive and yet so frustratingly difficult to understand.

  • The.poet.of.hearts
    September 12, 2006
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    an ever prettier work and so sweet to read
    specially the flow of it
    and it muz be a great song as you are saying
    i muz check thier home page
    thanks for sharing keep it up !

  • September 12, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    riviting with emotion

    a very powerful piece. i spent the majority of my life feeling the way you have expressed. all i can say is that i am glad i no longer feel that way today!

  • Vanessa rios
    September 11, 2006
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    this piece is filled with emotions that I have faced in past surcumstances

  • Fire N Ice
    September 11, 2006
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    This is FANTASTIC!

  • fantasmic
    September 11, 2006
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    Very moving, cudos

  • inspire2dream
    September 11, 2006
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    I enjoyed this.. it was really well written.. it is always sad when you read dark work with sad tones.. But, there in it, is beauty. Taking sad and dark and turning it into a piece of work.. IF I may suggest my "Just, My Life" poem.. I think you may like it..It is dark, but i find beauty in the way I did it and the Wow factor.. Again I enjoyed this.

  • Tay13
    September 10, 2006
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    this was very powerful and emotional. Very Sad but really well done.

  • September 10, 2006
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    i usually dont like these type of poems, but this one was i felt, i know how you feel when u say your scared to fly anymore, i felt the pain of wanting to give up, but u gotta find something that helps, and if theres nuthin, hold your own, cause if theres nuthin then it can only get better

  • Dancer in Twilight
    September 10, 2006
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    bloody hell.

    omg.........wow..........i am actually speechless (which is very unusual for me).....wow, just beautiful, i am having trouble coming up with words to describe this poem. wow.

  • iluvorangenblue
    September 10, 2006
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    Wow, thats an amazing and powerful write. Its dark, meaningful, and beautifully written. Good work.
  • ian sawicki silver member
    September 10, 2006
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    a good piece, dark and flowing, well life is life, even if it feels like death sometimes. spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...
  • losing fire
    September 10, 2006
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    wow such a dark theme but written so well and beautifully. i love the way it describes being almost afraid of living. the choice of words in this is amazing as well and the way it flows makes it just an incredible read. great write.
    ~fire~

  • bleeding-within
    September 10, 2006
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    wo this as a great poem well done so sad and filled ith emotion! kee pu pthe great writting!

  • bxrret
    September 9, 2006
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    this one hits home, real close, and it is a great work, i like it alot, keep up with writing.
  • A-Beautiful-Lie
    September 9, 2006
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    awesome

    That was awesome!!! I greatly applaud you even though it was written about suicide.

  • OdinsDottir
    September 9, 2006
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    Wow! What a great poem!

  • Kristin Ann
    September 8, 2006
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    i like it

  • rachaelsmommy
    September 8, 2006
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    this is a good piece. i felt this way in the past when everyone around me seemed to disappear from my life and i was in a bad state and couldnt handle it. i felt alone and felt like killing myself but i stayed strong and now i am happily married with two children and they keep me going even though i still have people disappearing from my life.

  • Para Bellum
    September 8, 2006
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    wow... incredible use of words...
  • bmoregirl
    September 7, 2006
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    great work

    i had to see if this writer was still writing very convincing nice with the wording

  • Neptunian Scorpion
    September 6, 2006
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    Very Heartfelt

    This is a very touching piece of writing. The sadness intertwined within these lines is extremely evident and your ability to pull the lines together is great.

    My wings lay tattered on the floor
    I'm just too scared too fly anymore

    These two lines say it all for me. The hope is gone, and not from a lack of trying.

    You are in my thoughts.

    Dimitri

  • Dougle
    September 6, 2006
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    omg. wow. that was......................wow. it is depressing. but that was a VERY good poem I had one like that before. :'(

  • Lil Butterfly Girl
    September 5, 2006
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    i am love love loving this! it took my breath away! well done!

  • KissMyEyes
    September 5, 2006
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    Breathtaking

    whoa. Still a work in progress?!?!?! I can't wait to read it all. I love this with a passion!!!

    "My wings lay tattered on the floor
    I'm just too scared too fly anymore"

    Those are my favorite lines. I hope to read more. You're amazing!!
    XoXo
    Sara.
  • darkmind4eva
    September 5, 2006
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    that was awsome

    i am a big fan of dark and personal poems so this was a wonderful poem write many more and ill read many more

  • JohnWaynePalsy
    September 5, 2006
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    sharp

    oooh reading this was good times!!!very smoothly flowing along at a nice pace.pleasent to the eyes and tongue or brain as the case may be.i was really diggin this from start to finish.so i guess i can not complain not at all.
  • smile7
    September 5, 2006
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    I think that this is a great write, a great point of view..very personal and emotional...you have your own great way of expressing yourself, and I think that it sounds great...something that most people can probably relate to very well...Keep writing, you did great on this.
    ~Tears~

  • Amber Danielle
    September 5, 2006
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    Still a work in progress huh? Frankly I don't see how it could possibly be any better or more emotional than what you already have penned. So if there's more to it I can't wait to read it. You projected the sadness in every word, and made the reader truly feel how you felt. Don't give up hope though, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. This comes from a single mother, so trust me.

  • Nyouya
    September 5, 2006
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    You just put into words what I once felt. It was hard then to explain to people what I felt. If only I had your words then, I would've been more understood. At least now, people know what some people feel.
    It could use a little work, however. Like Velvetvixen says, it should paint more of a picture so that readers can picture the pain you want to portray.

  • velvetvixen
    September 5, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Nice, but not captivating

    I loved the idea of this poem, and the work here is brilliant- but somehow I would like it to paint a more vivid picture in my mind- something to remeber it by, you know? Thnaks for sharing this beautiful piece of work.
  • Brandon Ashley
    September 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Good but needs work

    This was good, but I think you could have done better. Like the other commentors say, It is emotional. Its somewhat deep, but it lacks that certain something that brings it together. Mind you, it is a good poem..otherwise you wouldn't have gotten so many applauds, but you lack rhythm and that binding that all great poems have. A little bit of work here and there would definatly make this poem a lot better. A bigger vocabulary would also help you with raising your poems quality. I'm not going to applaud this work for one reason. It lacked creativity. I will not appaud a poem without it. Yours didn't have it.Period. Yes suicide is a very important and touching subject, especially in poems, but everyone writes about suicide. Think deeper. You can write a story of suicide without throughing it out their. Keep your reader in suspence. Make the ending a suprise. Besides the lack of creativity, I'd like to address the last stanza in your poem. This is a powerful stanza, but I feel let down. End with a bang. Three lines is not enough. And I know you can write an ending with twice as much the power if you just made it longer and more vivid. I'm sorry for judging you so harshly on your poem, but i believe every poem on the most applauded list needs to be heavily critque. Your poem is a great one, but its not up to par with me. Work on it. Make it more vivid. Make it more creative. Make the reader feel what you feel.

  • LadyAssasinMoonbeam
    September 4, 2006
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    It's deep and emotional. It feels like I can touch your sorrow. It's very well written, and I love it. Keep on writing!
  • quite emo actually
    September 4, 2006
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    I liked this, but I felt like it was too wordy. Almost like you were trying to hard to sound poetic. The last couple lines were great, though. It said exactly what it needed to say without a bunch of extra stuff to drag it down and take the meaning away. I understand the emotion behind the piece, because I'm pretty much myself right now, but in my opinion you stripped away a lot of meaning by adding so many cliched words. But that's just what I think; take it or leave it. Good job, though. Keep writing.

  • ISheHer
    September 4, 2006
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    this is me loveing this.. loveing...loveing.. i love this ,wait i may have already told you that , i exspcialy like this...

    ...How can you take a life
    that wasn't there
    to start with?

    love,
    the me
  • dragul angelas
    September 4, 2006
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    excellant

    so dark is th life taken
    in to much light you have given
    to read this with much apreciation
    for i too live on its razor edge but i have
    no courage to sharpen its blade
    but your do cut deep within my mind

    angelus

  • shroomgremlin
    September 4, 2006
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    Damn...incredibly deep and moving with every passing word.This is a great poem.Towards the end,I got a little confused.It seemed like the very fabric of the poem was breaking.Not sure if that was just me,or if it actually happened that way.lol.Anyway,great poem.Keep up the good work.

  • grassisgreener
    September 4, 2006
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    This piece, while well-written, makes me sad. I believe that no matter what sorrow happens in our lives, we must not give up hope for the future. Life is too expensive to throw out, and a piece that encourages suicide seems ungrateful.
  • Tropical Blaze
    September 4, 2006
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    You have written this really well. I love how you've chosen to express your feelings in such a clear way. Yoh have used a clever choice of words. I know that when I am feeling overwhelmed with life and like killing myself, writing like you did here really helps to soothe me, so I hope that you have found a way to get through and that things will improve. Keep writing, you did a great job.

  • xbunniexisxsadx
    September 4, 2006
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    Great piece here, darling. you certainly have captured the pain and confusion, and just overall anger [along with the peoples hearts whove read this]. I do hope that you start to feel better because it would make me sad to think that a talent like you have is wasted on suicide. well, keep your chin up!
    <3torie

  • live-death
    September 4, 2006
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    this is ABSOLUTELY awesomeee!! i love poems like this cause u can express the anger , sadness and all the feelings with the proper words that wake up the viewer´s heart.
    i lovee the ending:

    And as I sink remember this...

    ..How can you take a life
    that wasn't there
    to start with?

    I mean, that blew me away!!! amazing
    well done! and i hope u can feel better!

  • -darkprincess-
    September 4, 2006
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    excellent!!!

    wow!! great piece!!! really made me cry!!! suicide is a deal we have to learn to live avoiding it... i used to cut myself, and i regret a lot now, cause my friends got very angry at me... that's why i promised them i wouldn't do it anymore... is really really difficult, cause im having this heart issues, and thinking of cutting myself is my only answer, but i haven't done it since I talked to my friends, now i just sit in my bedroom's floor with the music very loud and cry all day long... is kind of pathetic, but better than hurt yourself...
    well, what else to say... loved your poem!! im wishing to read more!!! see my work if you have some time!!!
    keep writing like this cause it shows you have a lot of talent and your poetry has lots of feeling!!!!
    good luck!!
    kisses!!!
    (* pau

    ^^

    ... te amO

    ^^

  • ShadowEyedDemon
    September 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    very good!

    this is very good! I love the way it is written! It is very sad tho... reminds me of my stuff! haha. u should read some of my stuff sometime! yeah... I really like this! it is so beautifully written! keep up the good work.

  • -Incarcerated Soul-
    September 4, 2006
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    Painful but great

    Wow..painful, very painful. The final line really got me "How can you take a life that wasn't there to start with?". It really saddens me if you feel this way because I have been there myself. A very dark write which never the less I enjoyed. Keep writing and take care.

  • September 4, 2006
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    different

    its sad

  • Gentle Chaos Lion
    September 4, 2006
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    Wings are the wrong thing for one who's never been. Might be worthwhile to save for a plane ticket to fly away from this hell. The right pilot will let you stow the tattered wings in the baggage compartment at no extra cost and at some airports they can reccommend a good place to buy new feathers -- maybe Arizona or Fiji. A good rain dance might work -- I mean, it doesn't usually bring rain anyway which might be like sorrow, so maybe when there's no rain it brings happiness, and at least you get to stomp your feet and chant(who's goin' know if you're really cursing under your breath)... might win a prize...
    IN ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, "HUH?" -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, BUT IT COULD MEAN THIS:
    It means have fun for no reason at all and not be serious for no reason at all, just because you can. If you stop thinking so much for awhile, some new previously hidden perspective may become more obvious --- dancing for no reason except that it's fun to feel the music
    MY INITIAL REACTION WAS TO JUST SAY "DON'T" AND BE FRIGHTENED BY THE IMPLICATIONS OF ANY ENCOURAGEMENT FOR SUCH A THING. THEN I THOUGHT MAYBE HUMOR WOULD HELP, BUT I GUESS THAT BOMBED OUT, SO NOW I'M DEPRESSED TOO...GUESS I SHOULD GIVE UP WRITING. OH WELL... I have feathers, can still fly a little
    Edited on Sep 04, 3:05 p.m. because 'Answering the question, "Huh?"'.
  • Flyingwolf
    September 4, 2006
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    I found this piece to be extremely brillant. I look forward to reading more.

  • spamwitch
    September 4, 2006
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    Whatever you decide to add, I am sure it will only pefect this piece. The sentiment is very sad, a lonely soul indeed.. Too many young people feel this way, and I am really bothered by it. You did bring your message accross beautifly though.

  • GiftedPsychosis gold member
    September 4, 2006
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    If this is personal, I know how you feel. I once slit my wrists. I used to cut myself, but, to put it in your terms, I stood up to fly again. and you should try to too.
    If this was not personal, then you have a very dark, deep, sad side. This will fuel your writting career as a poet. Great job.
  • An Eclipse Moon
    September 4, 2006
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    You're very talented. I look forward to reading your other work.

  • lake of whispers
    September 4, 2006
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    thumb up

    woooow!! iu'm deeply touched you are a very talented poet and i'm glad i found u , 'cause you will be on my favorit

  • Tam gold member
    September 4, 2006
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    Excellent

    My Goodness....I don't usally like "dark" writes but this is excellent.
    Don't change it...leave it as it poured from your pen. It's authentic and raw, which makes it a good read.
    Blessings! Tammy

  • plinkyponk
    September 4, 2006
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    suuicide is a hard subject to talk about and all that slicing set me on edge yuk i didnt like it i prefer a gun

  • half-interested
    September 4, 2006
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    OOH! Wow, if this is a work in progress, I can't wait to see it when it's done! Although, I think it is perfect as is. The title is genious, and I love the second stanza. Just....wow....

  • Bride Of Hate
    September 4, 2006
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    Brilliant work here. Vivid imagery and amazing descriptions. Also leaves the reader with a profound sense of sorrow and with very deep thoughts. Great work! You get my applause for this.
    Bride Of Hate
  • AmberFire45
    September 4, 2006
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    amazing

    This was visual and amazing and just really a brillant write! You have so much talent and its showing through in your writing!!This was impeccable poetry! Great job!

  • Teenage Confessions
    September 4, 2006
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    I love this one:
    My wings lay tattered on the floor
    I'm just too scared too fly anymore
    When you live your life on the edge
    of a knife, you feel, you scream,
    you embrace every slice
    It's so visiualistic. You can't tell this poem is only a working progress because you could just leave it like this and it'd be great!