I stared at you
While you slipped
through the cracks
through my grasp
I loved you
But now its too late
You were another statistic
Gang violence victim
You were liked by me
By your family
You brought me happiness
Alas,
Your gone now
Your last words to me...
"I... you"
It haunts me
To this day
And far beyond
Through your grave
I see your face
As it was
Though bleeding
It was beautiful
Your struggle to breath
That wasn't so great
I layed you upon my lap
You coughed up blood on me
After those words
I had to flee
Just remember...
that i loved you
Still do,
you may be gone
I quickly said so long
I regret it so
You slipped from my life
By urban execution
I miss you
If you were still alive
I hope, you'd miss me to
Author notes
RIP Sara
option 1 negative
In a list
A contest entry
- Rich Words and Strong Emotions by thankful4theSuNsEt.
600 points, ended December 31, 2006, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Engraved Memories by x Gemini x.
600 points, ended December 21, 2006, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark or Sad! by fallen-leaf.
450 points, ended January 6, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - FOR ANYONE!!! by Innocent Evil.
370 points, ended January 28, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - deeper than darkest by Jake Jackson.
375 points, ended February 6, 2007, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - LOVE LOST by Darc Soul.
300 points, ended March 2, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Beautiful Melodrama of the Gothic Bereaved. by Cyanide Milkshake.
6000 points, ended March 22, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - OPTIONS OPTIONS OPTIONS! (and some that you don't see everyday!) by sharkofdhoom.
500 points, ended May 13, 2007, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Let me feel the loss by NickelleteXninja.
600 points, ended May 14, 2007, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - && [D o n ' t] I look pretty d y i n g? by LucyLightning.
500 points, ended May 8, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Inspire Me!!! by Auburn Sunrise.
2000 points, ended June 4, 2007, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark or Love by crystallynnbradford.
300 points, ended June 5, 2007, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Best/Worst Day Of Your Life...So Far by Death of the Author.
525 points, ended August 25, 2007, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show Me Your Inspiration! by brightXdarkness.
600 points, ended August 10, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - You Got a Problem You Just Can't Hide... by ILUVuBUTuDONTluvME.
475 points, ended September 7, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 40 of 40
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this is sad and deep. i almost cried. tears filled my eyes. its simply amazing!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!
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this really is sad. I am sorry that you had to experience this (something no one should ever have to go through). You are a very strong person for coming out of it like you did. I am sure that no matter where she is now (I'm not sure how you feel about the afterlife) that she misses you very much, and is very proud of you for being as strong as you are! You are definitely an inspiration for many. Thank you for entering my contest, and good luck!
Alex -
I am extremely sure that they would miss you too, you obviously held a very close relationship. A very emotional poem, thanks for sharing it and good luck x
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this was beautfiully written adn I cried reading it . the emotional feeling is so dark so depressing and so unbelievably real. this was an awesome write. thanks for entering and good luck in the contest:0
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Nicely done... definately alot of emotions in here, for some reason though it doesnt seem like it was a pain you suffered.. was it?
Good luck and nicely done -
very well done. i can feel the emotion, and gang violence is a horrible thing. i especially like the part
"It haunts me
To this day
And far beyond
Through your grave
I see your face"
very powerful. good job and good luck in the contest.
-
Awww
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Really long poem, late at night, here we go...Fucking great ass poem, you ahve made it to at leas third place already and your only the third one ive read adn the best, way to go, Sadness and the last word thing struck a cord, its hard to make me cringe but that did, hope and pry this wasent real but if it is *shakes my ehad* makes it even more worthy of this contest, god speed.
xXxJosh R.xXx
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everynight, i have horrifing flashback of all the people who've left me in my life. Unfortunately its real. I Wish It Wasn't...
i'm glad you liked it, all of my poems come from my heart, but the ones about my desciest friends are from memory as well, the have more in me than the other poems.
So i truely appreciate that you liked it.
-
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Thank you for entering my contest!
-
Very Deep.
Deep. Thats how I'd describe this poem. Its awesome. Really, this poem holds so much strong emotion. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! -
First, let me thank you for entering my contest.
Second, i am sorry for your loss.
Third:
This poem was very touching. The flow and imagery was very well done. Though, i suggest more puncuation and inserting spacess (maybe making stanzas) for easier reading and professiional look.
Otherwise, this was good.
Oh, and please put the Option number. -
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i'm not too good with punctuation, so i keep it fairly open for people to read it how they wish
but the other suggestion, inserting spaces, I used
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thanks. this is nice. i'll comment again when the contest is over.
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Simply amazing. I dont even know what to say...Being an "on the spot" writter myself...this was far better than anything I've ever read that was written "on the spot" Your amazing!
♥ Lacey -
i really liked the feeling and i loved the way you ended it
very romantic in a way... even if it's not the perfect picture i think it says something about who you are
it's well-written even if it was "on the spot" -
yes, tis true
alas, i know way too many people who died, in their prime -
So sad. Your love for this girl shines through here and It's obvious you miss her very much! It's terrible when somebody gets struck down in their prime, especially in such a senseless and violent way.
~Avalin~
Edited on Sep 15, 8:12 p.m. because ''. -
DEFINATELY THAT CAN BE SEEN, YOUR VISION WELL UNDERSTOOD. MAYBE ALSO, IT IS SOMEONE "NO LONGER AMONGST", THAT IS CONTEMPLATING THE WASTE OF THEIR LIFE IN A SIMPLE REFLECTION.. CALL ME TWISTED..
-
Brilliant writing
God, this was so sad. It really hit home how futile some deaths are. How wasted some lives become through gang violence.
Human life is nothing now. It is worth nothing in this day and age. And, for the price of a gun. your life can be snuffed out completely.
Is your life worth the price of a gun? or a knife?. Time to stand up and say enough is enough. Your poem is really raw and has truly hit home. -
i do not know, its supposed to be someone talking to an "authority figure"
-
INTRIGUING
.. WHY IS IT, I SEE SOMEONE WATCHING THEMSELVES IN A MIRROR, LICKING THEIR THUMB, THEN TOUCHING THE GLASS? AND I LIKE THAT.. -
lovely
i really like this write and i like it just the way you wrote it it's in character that you see someone so don't change it ok... thanks for the comment by the way it was really sweet that you don't even know me and you care enough to say that. keep writing ok! peace
*MUAH*Emylie Kay* -
Very Good!
This is a really good write! Off the top is sometime the best. It can only improve to a great write with a little re-working/grammar. My only disappointment is the non-comment made by PrabhuDayal Khatter. Looks like just a grab for points. If his/her cut and paste antics (the whole poem!) found its way to my work I would be giving him/her some grief.
Anyway, you've done a good job here.
Best Wishes -Emmjay
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its a mix, for most of my poems i tell of where i got them from.(origin)
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Are you writing from personal or true events or you going to be another Stephen King or dean Koontz, by the way are my favorite writers
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I stared at you
While you slipped
through the cracks
through my grasp
I loved you
But now its too late
You were another statistic
Gang violence victim
You were liked by me
By your family
You brought me happiness
Alas,
Your gone now
Your last words to me...
"I... you"
It haunts me
To this day
And far beyond
Through your grave
I see your face
As it was
Though bleeding
It was beautiful
Your struggle to breath
That wasn't so great
I layed you upon my lap
You coughed up blood on me
After those words
I had to flee
Just remember...
that i loved you
Still do,
you may be gone
I quickly said so long
I regret it so
You slipped from my life
By urban execution
I miss
you
If you were still alive
I hope, you'd miss me too
truely a great heartfelt work here..
-
you made me cry! this is beautiful! im so sorry to hear that this is a true story.
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well i'm not good with puncuation, if you wanna spend the time and proof read by all means go ahead. And unfortunately, it did happen.
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This is good, but could be better with puncuation. I am a big one on that for the most parts. If this happened, i am sorry to hear that.
-
"""ust remember...
that i loved you
Still do,
you may be gone
I quickly said so long
I regret it so
You slipped from my life
By urban execution
I miss you
If you were still alive
I hope, you'd miss me to"""
Only mine is alive and chooses not to be with me anymore. Good work on this piece! -
thank you, i hope that this actually does let me win because, i care too much and letting out the news of her death like this, is painful for me, and probably insulting to her family(not supposed to mention death after 2 years of its aniversary, or else its an insult to her heritage)
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Very intense..sad, but a great use of words. I hope that you will do great in the contest, with this write, I am sure that you will. Great write, keep up the good work.
-
VEry Well
Wow the sad truth of an untimely death. Beautifully written! Very good! -
Wonderfully written!
this is such a sad story....My heart aches for your loss!! What strength it must have taken for you to share such a tragedy with us all!! Wonderfully expressed!! Best of luck in the contest and with your healing heart!!
Shannon -
well it didn't make me cry but i liked reading it, and for just writing it on the spot it found it to be really good. is this a true story, it would be sad if it was but even if it wasn't it's still a good write. keep up the good stuff
FF -
unfortunately it is true
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oh my, that's a rather traumatic story. i hope it isn't true. really, i do. it's so very sad. it is heartbreak. the last few lines moved me to the utmost.
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Very dynamic and intense piece. It was so sad and your pain showed through every line.
Good luck in the contest.
Soulful Woman -
Omg!That brought tears to my eyes!That was so sad and the emotions were so well conveyes within this poem.Im so sorry that you lost them, i know how it must hurt, im so sorry.Good write!Good luck in the contest and I hope you will feel better with time.
~Dreamer Girl~
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