Scraping wounds on piercing stones,
I scoured the roads all alone.
Bled through my heart, for all to see,
Hoping you'd be thinking of me!
As the moistened wind whispered tales
I could only cling on to your name.
I guess I can wait for another day,
But, still I wish you were here!
Still I find myself craving for the scent of you.
I guess I didn't think this through
When the raindrops were falling,
Caressing my skin, and I wished it were you!
Burning sticks keep me good company,
Twirls of smoke are all that I see,
But, they can't make you appear
Even though I wish you were here!
'Strains of some faraway strings',
The voices around mean nothing more.
Only yours is music to my ears,
That's why I wish you were here!
Everything here is the same, I don't need you
But I chose to breathe you
And right now I’m all out of air
So I guess I need you here!
Author notes
Option 1
Written September 2nd, 2006
A contest entry
- Buffet Of Options by JeannieD Hunter.
600 points, ended May 22, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Oh yes option +4!!! by your angers a gift.
390 points, ended July 30, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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the flow of this poem took me a while to get down...and still in some places its kinda of hard to make it go with the rest of the stanza...nevertheless your ending was amazing...I'm glad you have found someone that makes you feel this way...great write...thanks for entering and good luck
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yeah...well this poem isn't metered or in flow... it only rhymes...that too barely... it was written on spot and no changes made to the draft...so it's pretty raw...n i didn't want to change it...coz it was for a person...and it reflected exactly how i felt at that time...
ofcourse...as we all eventually come to learn...love is a crappy thing!!!...and burning sticks keep so much better company
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i say enter it...only under a different name so i can pretend its a fresh write
i dont mind if it doesnt fit the options
theyre just ideas
what i really wanted was something beautiful
but yeah
enter it
xx -
Very interesting and emotion filled write. The ending was well done in showing that we do need others when we think we don't. Thanks for entering and good luck.
Jeannie
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It starts strongly but the last couple of stanza's seem as though you lost your train of thought, unessecary use of exclamation marks unless you need the readers voice to go up every last line. The flow is a little static in places as if the rhyme is forced, rhyming is very hard to do throughout an entire poem, we tend to start using normal words like bed and said, through and blue..they become boring if overused.
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very nice work,must be nice to want somebody that much
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Everything here is the same, I don't need you
But I chose to breathe you
And right now I’m all out of air
So I guess I need you here!
I am really touched with the last line.. a great work indeed..
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I think the exclamation marks detract from the piece a bit but it's well described and an enjoyable read
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I liked this poem a lot. I think I would have ditched the last two stanza's, though. They seem like an afterthought. Other than this, it's a good solid write, in my opinion. Lane
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ah that third stanza is beautiful! simply written but i can feel the emotion! thank u for a lovely love poem
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great
This is a simlpe poem but with real emtions... you can feel the love for the person you write about and what its like to know that kind of love! Very well done!
Texas
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awwwww.. i like this..many people can relate to it..
well done! x -
This is fantastic. Leaving someone, losing someone, walking away... all we want to believe is that we don't want or need them but in truth we do. We miss the sights, scents, essence of that other person. This is beautifully written with such vivid wording. I can picture someone walking, almost stumbling along in this sad state of mind. Well done!
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I liked this piece alot. I loved the flow and the repetition. I do that in my work too, sometimes I am critqued about it, but I feel that it just makes the piece more mine when I do it that way...I guess you feel the same. It was a good story to the piece and one that I am sure many can relate to.
Thanks for sharing
Soulful Woman -
thanx a lot for the comment....i think u n i are in a similar position...with the guys...i'm sure there's some part of our intuition that's keeping us with them...let's hope it's not ruining us....but i know for sure as long as it's there...it's beautiful
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what a great love poem
someone is a very lucky person
you said so much with so little words...
great job!
Suzi -
Repetition is great but it conflicts with your rhymes. I liked the messege and how it shows feeling and truth. Great job conveying that to us all. I hope that your needs are fufilled.
-Nick -
Simply written but well done. I always do enjoy a good love poem and this is a great one. I liked the repetition of the lines. and the ryme is nice as well.
~KAtie -
great!!
wow!! honestly, it is a great poem, it really shows how you feel, shows your totally in love with this person, and that you cannot be with him... really liked it cause is something like the way i feel right now, as i got this boy that has me like a crazy girl, at his feet, whenever and wherever he wants me, im there... i know i shouldn't but,... i love him so much!!!
well, keep writing like this, cause it shows you have lot of talent and that you are a great artist, very creative!!
see my work, if you can...
kisses and good luck!!
(* pau
^^
... te amO
^^ -
great
I agree with sarah it is my favorite part as well, and thank you for opening your window for us to see inside. -
Still I find myself craving for the scent of you.
I guess I didn't think this through
When the raindrops were falling,
Caressing my skin, and I wished it were you!
That's my favorite part. But the whole thing is done very nicely, I think you did a great job on this poem. Thanks for sharing it.
Take care and God bless!
Sarah Beth -
thanx a lot except its the urge to have him n not her
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"Everything here is the same, I don't need you
But I chose to breathe you
And right now I’m all out of air
So I guess I need you here!"
This is a sweet love poem, I loved.
It is simple yet intense.
I loved the repetition, insisting on the need and the urge to have her there with you.
Keep up the good work.
~Hana~
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