If I could...
I would give you a world
where you would be safe.
A world where evil doesn't exist
and you would have no boundaries.
You would be free to fly
among the roots and the boughs.
The people you encounter are loving
and adore you as much as I.
But I cannot.
We live in a world
that isn't safe for anyone.
Where evil spins its deadly web
to capture unsuspecting victims.
Treachery lies in the shadows
and deceit hides in the light.
Predators, watching and waiting,
bring happiness to an end.
But I can...
Give you a place
where you will feel safe.
A place where together
we will soar to the heights of love.
A place you can go
whenever this world lets you down.
A place, in my arms.
Author notes
A father holding his Child.
Written April 17th, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- A contest only for moderators ,greeters and gold members ( a truthwriter's contest ) by sweethelper.
300 points, ended June 3, 2006, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - AP Family - MEN only by PoeticEmily.
560 points, ended May 31, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 49 of 49
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Wow. That was the first thing that popped into my head. This is amazing, honest and strong.. and touching.
Thank you for entering this
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wow, this is strong. straight-forward and honest. a bit cliche at times "evil spins its deadly web" - but there are some awesome moments:
"deceit hides in light" - WOWOWOW!
Very nice - made me smile inside. -
wooooooooow ! awesomely penned write ! thank you so much for the wonderful entry and best wishes in the contest !
thank you for your precious time and support !
yours
Truthwriter -
I thought this was a very "telling" write. It really allowed us a glimpse at the love to a child from his\her father. There are very few good fathers who love their children as much as this piece displays so it is truly nice to know there is at least one father out there that is like my own. Loving, and caring, who truly would give the world to keep his little girl safe, and happy.
Beautiful words. Thank you for sharing this with us all here at Allpoetry. Also, good luck with the contest!
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Oh how beautiful. All those dads who walked away and turned their backs should be forced to read this 1000 times as punishment. Bet it wowuld melt their hearts.
Best of luck in this contest.
Jan
Edited on Jun 01, 4:15 p.m. because ''. -
thi is really beautiful....it is such a powerful and touching poem! keep up the good work!
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This is beautiful, thankkyou
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no but thanks
David -
simple and sweet. nice! *tear ;[
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good!
very lovely sentiment and a sense of "provider" that is whooly unique and important, salkvation really is a haven from the world! Write on! -
I stand alongside all of the other judges that have stopped here and have to say that I agree with all of them on various points.
One specific thing that erked me in this piece was the definite overuse of the word "would".
A couple of times over a few stanzas is fine, but in every stanza....that can make a reader sad.
Overall your message does help to allow me as a reader to overlook the flaws, even though I am judging upon how the poem was written, content does come into consideration, even though it has no bearing on whether a poem moves ahead or wins.
I think this, as Ava Noire already mentioned, is not something you can entirely jump into right away or critique too heavily, for that matter.
Some poems are just better left being themselves, flawed or not.
Thanks for entering and good luck,
slaughter
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I find it hard to critique poetry written so deeply and heartfelt and of such a beautiful subject matter as this. I will just read and enjoy
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I agree with arien silverleaf
there is much solstice but there's quite the lack of imagery
I on the other hand enjoyed "if I could" "but I can't" and their placement was good as it was an interjection (literary device often misused or used ineffectively) done well! -
I believe that I'm sitting somewhere between jaunty pill and babybird on this one. I really like the uplifting message that I felt in your poem, and the tender optimism at the end of it. The recognition that although there are bad things in the world, it is more than entirely possible to move beyond those and still find good things. Your poem didn't have any of the sometimes annoying idealism of many poems like this; you recognized the darkness in the world and contrasted it with the light. This makes it a nice love poem.
I do agree with babybird on the note that I found it somewhat cliched. The "I can't but I can" kind of idea is somewhat overused. It didn't lessen my appreciation of the message, but I believe it does take away from the impact of the poem.
This is just a personal note, but I found the form of your poem to be somewhat less than thrilling. I don't really enjoy the two line stanzas, four collections of each separated by a one-liner. It just seemed... I'm not sure, perhaps too rigid is the phrase I'm looking for.
I think that some of your wordings were wonderful though. I particularly enjoyed the line "and deceit hides in the light." It was a mirror of the line before it, but not a cliche. I enjoyed that.
Thank you for your poem, and good luck!
Arien Silverleaf -
yes...now more than ever a child needs a safe place. I remember raising hell all over the neighborhood where I lived while growing up...no cares, no worries. We were all safe....no one would touch a child. So incredibly sad that that safety is a thing of the past. Thank God for Daddy's arms.
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hmm...I'm not really into this...the whole premise seems a tad clichéd, to be honest. "If I could", "but I can't". you know? i also can't find any imagery within the poem.
on the other hand, you do seem to have a very sweet message and heartfelt feeling here, and that is very nice. -
I do not know why , But I find solace in this poem. I relate well with my own father and I see myself often in the blood of my family. In the good and rotten fruit that hangs there. Everything I am. The ugly and the beautiful.
Your poem speaks a lot to me , Especially as a human being.
Now on to some of the little nit-picks I had....
I'm not one for capitalization's at the beginning of each line and stanza , Now that is completely opinion , But still something you might like to think about.
Also , I don't know if I like the overuse of the word " you "...It seems that some lines merely hang on that , Not really creating much more. Now " You " could be used perfectly one or two times , but I think in a poem this short and of this magnitude , Something better could have easily been used.
I don't like this line much at all:
" Where evil spins its deadly web
to capture unsuspecting victims. "
- It could be a variety of reasons , But the one that seems close to what bothered me was the way it sounded out loud. Stunted. It sounded a little too forced for my tastes , Almost as though it had been added after the finished version , Or a little too much description for such a poem.
Other than these few things you really do have a well-written poem here and I can relate to it. I guess relating is one of the things all writers hope to accomplish. Congrats on this one and good look in the contest.
Be well ,
James
Edited on Jun 26, 10:22 p.m. because 'because I can fucking edit my comment if I want!'. -
What a wonderful, wonderful image your words create here. I love it! This is awesome. We all want to be able to hold our children close and keep them safe, but it's not always possible. Great job! Good luck in the contest.
♥ Kimberly -
wow i love it and understand it
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awsome
"Where evil spins its deadly web
to capture unsuspecting victims.' I loved the imagery of this line
it just makes me think of spiders and flies being wrapped up and well this was a really good poem
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I would give you an applause but I don't have any left! This is a wonderful piece and I love it so! You did a wonderful job and I would like to wish you luck in this contest! I only have to say that this website has so much talent and so many poets that I believe have a chance to make a book and become famous because they can write things like this and they can envoke beautiful feelings and tears of joy! Best of Luck!
* KELLY * -
This is a very lovely message, Nike. I enjoyed this poem alot. It evokes warm thoughts of security. Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
Peace
doug -
i liked this so much that i sent it to my bf....i think its so sweet and i just wanna say keep the work up...
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This is beautiful. Your essence of love shines throught he words. We can't always shield our children from the world, but we can prepare them so that they know they never walk alone. Peace-
Toltec Warrior -
I'm not really a big fan of love poems but I think you really did an excellent job on this poem! Another thing is the word coloring is a bit hard to read, you may want to use a lighter color.
Edited on Mar 28, 9:35 because ''. -
This is so perfect ( especially in these times ) where everyone from the youngest child to the oldest senior needs to know that there is safety and love in the arms of someone that are always wide opened to offer solace and comfort and love and understanding , even if just for a little while . I do wish you the best of luck in this contest
Reenie
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Par excellence!
Comforting yet poignant poem. -
This is absolutely beautiful, nike! What more could someone want, then such a practical haven? It's what everyone is searching for, but so few people find .. whoever you're offering this one to is incredible lucky!
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this is awesome, a father's love for his son or daughter is a beautiful thing, and these days, it is few and far between, some mothers should be thinkful for the fathers that stay so involved in their kids lives..this poem reminds me of my boyfriend..his ex and him havent been together for over 3 years now and she does not seem no know how lucky the kids are to have such a involved and loving father..he would do anything for his kids and so would i
tanya -
keep on 'truckin'
A sensitive, simple poem, proposing a straight-forward point of view, but for me lacking in depth and considering the vast emotional possibilities, under-developed. A lot more work and revision would pay dividends. -
sounds like a great dad. the idea, i cant really grasp..but i like it. good job with writing this. enjoyed. good luck in the contest.
Blu -
I really like it. It expresses a lot of emotion. It's very good.
~ Holly -
Aww, this is sweet and touching. It's true about our world today. Sometimes I feel like I would do anything to change this and make it better for everyone, but I can't. Beautifully written. Short and sweet.
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"and deceit hides in the light." I like that, people think of evil as always being dark. Seems like now, evil is braver, and comes out into the light more. Hoping to tempt us I guess. Very nice write, very sweet of you to protect. well done.
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Accurate :-)
Yeah, where's the picture? lol I like the poem. So simple, yet so true, as love often is. And, I didn't think it was boring. Good job! -
Wow, what a nice thought, i wanna see this picture now, and read some of the others, then i can give my opnion, (not that you probably care!) xxxx
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BRAVO.......I would have never come to these thoughts from that picture, but as a father of four I can tell you your words are those of wisdom.
I think you have done a wonderful job. Good luck in the competition. -
Damn! I liked this poem because it was so comforting. While I read, I imagined that it was a poem written to me and it made me feel special...not to sound creepy or anything. But whoever this was written about should get to read it (if they already haven't)and they should feel really warm and fuzzy inside. If they don't at least look like they're going to cry, then they don't deserve it! Ok enough of my rambling...have a nice holiday.
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well, by all the commments on this poem it looks as if that Promote box really does work...I enjoyed this write. Tho, throught the whole poem....It made me think of my mom. My mom was and is always there for me and can make everything seem better..
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I read this earlier but didn't have time to comment so I thought I'd drop back in and let you know i'd been by.
I like the concept of finding safety and the father/daughter aspect as well. I saw this as me holding my daughter, keeping her safe so I could relate in a way to your message. -
Oh wow! I really liked the father/daughter idea in this. A lot of people were going for the lovers image, but you did well with the different spin.
Nice Job
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i just cant stay away from such a wonderful site... for reasons as of this before me... good work...
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My reaction is somewhere between that of Judge 2 and the other judges. I thought you have written better (and more creative) works in some of the other challenges. I didn't think this was bad, exactly, just not up to the level of your other work.
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uh-huh, yes. I don't think this is your best effort since being part of survivor and that will be taken into consideration when I vote. It just lacked the imaginative concoctions you've thus far managed, and I felt "bored" while I read this. Sorry. That's my impression. Good luck.
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Soft voice with a lot of emotion. The simplicity of this has a great effect because of the honest and sincere feelings that are conveyed. I think the last stanza could use one more line, but I like your one-liners in between the stanzas. A great job!
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Theres no place in your arms? Do you even have arms? Angelfish just gave me a mental image of you with no arms. Do you type with your toes?
Neat poem! I shoulda done a better poem.. this one is much better than mine.
Matt -
A simple and pleasing poem which works well,
I think the final line is very clever and lifts the poem nicely.
It would be nice to see another two lines in the last set just to balance each one and the final line seperated which could highlight it.
Very good poem. -
truely a profound wrie you have done here well put I would say great job
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I liked this a lot. It was very beautifully written. Too bad a place like you described really doesn't exict.
Anyways. excellent write.
Thanks for sharing!
*Amanda*
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