stripped; the harsh wind undoing my secrets until i break down and
give in, i fall into an illusion of … -
the sun pulls me in by my ankles
and smiles
burns my eyes when i stare
i blink
it won’t leave, it won’t go away but
the grass is dry now
summer has gone (and) my heart is set
alight by the colours, dancing
together
smiling, envious
their eyes do not blink
not like mine
they are numb to the burning
sensation but i
i cant open my eyes any longer –
i squirm and plead:
“leave me alone!”
and i feel the clouds gather around
my head, like a hand
soft and warm
i feel a hand of hope
on my eyes
as i crumble.
Author notes
i dunno.
i'll probably delete it sometime soon.
Written August 30th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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you're back with something that packs a punch
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Weird
For some reason, AP seems to believe I was too critical in my comment to bestow the gift of clappy Pac-Men. Here those are.
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Spiffy.
I can see you are a fan of cummings. Hard not to be, eh? I enjoyed this piece, and do think it is worth keeping. Navi is right about "refine," though. Please do not take offense at my review. When I have the time, I review everything like this, and it does not amount to a statement of the "good-ness" of this work as I see it. To the contrary, I have a selfish motive in doing so, because articulating my own impressions teachs me to write better. I am not a writer by trade; please interpret all of what follows as an attempt to offer useful suggestions for you to use or discard as you see fit. I will note also that I wouldn't expend this level of effort in criticism of your poem if I did not feel it was plenty good enough to deserve the attention. Hopefully that will suffice qua discliamer.
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Just my opinion, but the best way to improve this piece would roughly amount to the least common denominator of what all my favorite poets have recommended to me when I have asked them to clobber my own work. (Feel free to do so, by the way; I have no ego whatsoever, and will thank you for anything you dig up.) [ANOTHER disclaimer!
] Now that I've proven I'm the Buddha, I'll actually say something:
You use the personal pronouns "I" and "they" more often than necessary.
There are some filler words which, if excised, would leave your poem to flow more freely, and thus jump more readily out of the page.
More than anything else, though, I'd like to see this piece lose its passive voice. Use of past/present participles (especially before their respective subjects are clear) obfuscates--perhaps even nullifies what is nifty about the images you have written between the "-ing"s and "-ed"s.
For example, your first five words, "stripped; the harsh wind undoing" are all passive, and I don't know whom you're talking about till I reach the second half of the line.
Who breaks? "i" does. Who undoes "i"'s secrets? "the harsh wind." ("Harsh" might be extra there, too.)
Give your subjects their power back, and this will read better.
the summer has gone (and) my heart is set
alight by the colours, dancing
Underlined portion is strong, despite that "heart" is a very tired word in poetry. I thought the double meaning rendered by "(and)" was perhaps tied with your last line as this poem's strongest showing.
Once again, though, I'd love to see the "colours" get full credit for their initiative to begin "dancing."
together
smiling, envious [Don't understand this.]
theirs eyes do not blink
not like mine [This is made obvious later.]
they are numb to the burning
sensation but i
i cant open my eyes any longer-
i squirm and plead:/"leave me alone!"
and i feel the clouds gather around
my head, like a hand
soft and warm
i feel a hand of hope
on my eyes
as i crumble
You use "hand" twice here. Is it not the same hand?
If you can treat it that way, you can write this with fewer "they"s, which can require the reader to back-track to figure out who "they" is. Based on your spacing, "dancing" seems like a dangling participle that way.
This whole bit would be stronger if condensed. "but i/i [verb]" is indeed an effective tonal accent in a lot of cases. Judgment call, but I wonder if it really belongs here.
How about:
"...colors
who dance together,
envious eyes, numb to the burning sensation, unblinking
mine won't open any longer
leave me alone
...
I won't re-write your poem in my preferred style, because it's your poem. I like to whine a lot, though, so I'll include all that, just on the off-chance that you might find any of these ideas useful (which is by no means assumed).
"i feel" almost always seems unnecessary to me in first-person perspective. To bring the reader in, describe.
3 references to "eyes" will always get noticed, particularly since visible imagery so often predominates in poetry, and begs their mention.
Don't your eyes feel the "soft and warm," rather than the clouds? Clouds/hand is a cool image, and I believe you could exploit it more fully if you use metaphor versus simile to directly identify the clouds as a hand, and then describe the experience of your eyes as wrought by said hand.
Definitely keep your last line as it is.
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Moreover, a thoughtful write with a consistent tone and a punchy ending. You plainly have a talent for communicating sense through image; I always appreciate that in a poem. Hope I've been helpful. You're favorited, by the way.
~Morgan -
cool
i thought it was good actually
im nat btw
good write xxx
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I think this is a wonderfull poem the imagery was vivid and the content quite powerfull i really liked the line,
the sun pulls me in by my ankles
and smiles,
the whole poem from start to finish was great.
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*hugs* this is beautiful with a twinge of sadness a truly great write once again from your cyber pen my friend you should be proud
Danny
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thanks leander
--lana. -
I really have no idea why you would delete this sometime soon hunny... it's very well done so I'm pretty sure you can let it show
it's been quite a while since I saw something of you and I'm very happy that the time has finally come great job sweety 
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Thank you Some suggestions are welcome, if you have any
Thanks again.
--lana. -
Potential, potential, potential
Delete it?!
Far better to refine it
For in these chaotic words I see the nascent ore of gold! -
Thank you Gram
--lana. -
Dear bugs, LOL You are pulling my heartstrings with this one, my sweet girl. What a poetess you are. "the sun pulls me in by my ankles and smiles..." terrific imagery here. Your talent is blooming. Gram
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i feel a hand of hope
on my eyes
as i crumble.
wow that really kool nice work.
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